FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

The Revenge of FrankenStalin and Other Russiagate Folktales

In an attempt to understand the rich and mysterious folk-culture of American corporate newsmedia, I have begun to collect fables from that fascinating world. I will present these folk-tales without judgement, followed by insightful, smart-guy analysis of each one, like you see in books by serious intellectual chrome-domes.

This popular folktale, an Origin Myth called “How We Fell,” has been observed as far “left” as The New York Times and MSNBC, and as far “right” as The New York Times and MSNBC. The telling of the folktale on TV is often accompanied by the sudden appearance of scary Cyrillic type-fonts and the hypnotic droning of “ex-spooks.” The hypnotic droning of the spooks and the foreboding non-English type-font combine to create an aura of profound and unsettling menace.

Nonetheless, among members of “The Resistance,” this tale is often told as a bedtime story, or to comfort troubled elders.  Its long-term effectiveness is unknown. It is never to be shared with outsiders, and a death-curse has been placed on me by Debby Wasserman-Schultz for even daring to share it. (The version below is a loose translation from the original MSNBC.)

HOW WE FELL: AN ORIGIN MYTH

Way back in the year of 2016, America made sense,
and except for a few minor quibbles
Americans were united
in pursuit of a common good–
And then Russia had to go and invent dissent!
And this is how it happened.
On a black and frigid Communist night in Red Square,
at the stroke of midnight, in a raging Soviet blizzard,
Joseph Stalin himself—
electrically re-animated by Kremlin scientist-ghouls—
sat bolt upright in his crypt,
his evil Communist eyes a-gleam
and his Soviet hair all Bride-of-Frankenstein-y…
it was a fearsome sight.
But the Communist worst was yet to come!
All of a sudden, this electrically-reanimated monster dictator–
this FrankenStalin, if you will–
terrified even his bloodless, robotic Soviet scientists
by smashing his way, hammer-and-sickle style,
out of that cold, cold grave;
and then the hulking FrankenStalin,
his genocidal moustache studded with gravestone pebbles,
stalked Red Square, moving all Frankenstein-stiff;
and in a voice like a thousand electrocuted crickets
he commanded his thousands of Comsymp minions
to run to their substandard Moscow computer terminals
and start attacking Hillary Clinton
with 17-cent Facebook ads.
Why?  Come on!  You know why!
To keep the glass ceiling intact!

INTELLECTUAL SMART-GUY ANALYSIS OF FOLKTALE:

Yes, 2016–that’s when America really lost its innocence. Putin took it from us, and we’ll never get it back.  Fucking Leninist bastard.  Of course, if you want to nitpick, America had already lost its innocence a good twenty or thirty times before this whole Russian invention-of-dissent thing; actually, the USA is constantly paying cosmetic surgeons to restore its maidenhood, so that it can flirt with the world in the guise of a blushing virgin. We lost our innocence at Gettysburg; then we visited the cosmetic clinic for a quick zip-up; then we lost it again at Wounded Knee; more surgical repair; then the JFK assassination, and….Well, long story short–My Lai, etc.–who can remember every lost virginity, for crying out loud?–we’ve made those cosmetic surgeons very rich.

But they still prefer to be called “the news media.”

More articles by:

John Eskow is a writer and musician. He wrote or co-wrote the movies Air America, The Mask of Zorro, and Pink Cadillac, as well as the novel Smokestack Lightning. He is a contributor to Killing Trayvons: an Anthology of American Violence. He can be reached at: johneskow@yahoo.com

June 18, 2018
Paul Street
Denuclearize the United States? An Unthinkable Thought
John Pilger
Bring Julian Assange Home
Conn Hallinan
The Spanish Labyrinth
Patrick Cockburn
Attacking Hodeidah is a Deliberate Act of Cruelty by the Trump Administration
Gary Leupp
Trump Gives Bibi Whatever He Wants
Thomas Knapp
Child Abductions: A Conversation It’s Hard to Believe We’re Even Having
Robert Fisk
I Spoke to Palestinians Who Still Hold the Keys to Homes They Fled Decades Ago – Many are Still Determined to Return
Steve Early
Requiem for a Steelworker: Mon Valley Memories of Oil Can Eddie
Jim Scheff
Protect Our National Forests From an Increase in Logging
Adam Parsons
Reclaiming the UN’s Radical Vision of Global Economic Justice
Dean Baker
Manufacturing Production Falls in May and No One Notices
Laura Flanders
Bottom-Up Wins in Virginia’s Primaries
Binoy Kampmark
The Anguish for Lost Buildings: Embers and Death at the Victoria Park Hotel
Weekend Edition
June 15, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Dan Kovalik
The US & Nicaragua: a Case Study in Historical Amnesia & Blindness
Jeremy Kuzmarov
Yellow Journalism and the New Cold War
Charles Pierson
The Day the US Became an Empire
Jonathan Cook
How the Corporate Media Enslave Us to a World of Illusions
Ajamu Baraka
North Korea Issue is Not De-nuclearization But De-Colonization
Andrew Levine
Midterms Coming: Antinomy Ahead
Louisa Willcox
New Information on 2017 Yellowstone Grizzly Bear Deaths Should Nix Trophy Hunting in Core Habitat
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: Singapore Fling
Ron Jacobs
What’s So Bad About Peace, Man?
Robert Hunziker
State of the Climate – It’s Alarming!
L. Michael Hager
Acts and Omissions: The NYT’s Flawed Coverage of the Gaza Protest
Dave Lindorff
However Tenuous and Whatever His Motives, Trump’s Summit Agreement with Kim is Praiseworthy
Robert Fantina
Palestine, the United Nations and the Right of Return
Brian Cloughley
Sabre-Rattling With Russia
Chris Wright
To Be or Not to Be? That’s the Question
David Rosen
Why Do Establishment Feminists Hate Sex Workers?
Victor Grossman
A Key Congress in Leipzig
John Eskow
“It’s All Kinderspiel!” Trump, MSNBC, and the 24/7 Horseshit Roundelay
Paul Buhle
The Russians are Coming!
Joyce Nelson
The NED’s Useful Idiots
Lindsay Koshgarian
Trump’s Giving Diplomacy a Chance. His Critics Should, Too
Louis Proyect
American Nativism: From the Chinese Exclusion Act to Trump
Stan Malinowitz
On the Elections in Colombia
Camilo Mejia
Open Letter to Amnesty International on Nicaragua From a Former Amnesty International Prisoner of Conscience
David Krieger
An Assessment of the Trump-Kim Singapore Summit
Jonah Raskin
Cannabis in California: a Report From Sacramento
Josh Hoxie
Just How Rich Are the Ultra Rich?
CJ Hopkins
Awaiting the Putin-Nazi Apocalypse
Mona Younis
We’re the Wealthiest Country on Earth, But Over 40 Percent of Us Live in or Near Poverty
Dean Baker
Not Everything Trump Says on Trade is Wrong
James Munson
Trading Places: the Other 1% and the .001% Who Won’t Save Them
Rivera Sun
Stop Crony Capitalism: Protect the Net!
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail