And The Oscar Goes To: Petty Russian Crimes

Were you looking to escape the barrage of anti-Russia hysteria on Sunday night? You might have turned on the Oscars. Think again! Other than a beautiful set design, these Oscars, led by the all too folksy Jimmy Kimmel, were a complete drag. The award for best documentary went to Icarus, a film about the Russian doping scandal in the Olympics. This documentary was to me a largely dramatized fear-mongering account. A much more relevant choice for this category would have been Chicken & Egg’s thoughtful film Strong Island, a piece about Rodney King and police brutality. I imagine a showdown between a “woke” Hollywood star and a middling deplorable would go something like this:

WOKE: Hello viewer. I imagine you thought tonight wouldn’t be about politics. Hey, this is just the movies after all, you thought. Or is it? What if I told you that Vladimir Putin not only interferes in our elections, but he interferes in our very way of life.

DEPLOR: Did he steal my health care?

WOKE: No, not exactly, but he is a threat to American democracy and the health of this great nation. By the way have you remembered to thank Barack for your healthcare this week?

DEPLOR: Oh, uh, I can’t afford health insurance. ObamaCare is too expensive for me.

WOKE: Sure, yeah, back to the point. Russia is threatening this great democratic nation….

DEPLOR: Oooh, I got it! Russia evicted me from my home!

WOKE: Oh, well, it’s possible, I suppose, we need to do more research, I’ll call the New York Times to see if they can connect those dots…

DEPLOR: Oh, this is it! He made my water brown!

WOKE: Well he did take a giant shit on everything America stands for, if that’s what you mean…

DEPLOR: Oh, why didn’t I think of this earlier, Putin is taking my guns!

WOKE: This is why Trump wins! We continue to have a stupid, uninformed electorate who believes anything they hear from the NRA.

DEPLOR (thinking): Good thing I voted for Trump. These guys are assholes.

WOKE: Ok I know you country folk take a little while to pick up on things. I’ll tell you. The Russians not only rigged our elections, they rigged our Olympics, or I mean the Olympics. They are interfering in our way of life, can’t you see that? You like sports, don’t you common man?

DEPLOR: (thinking) Well, if this is arts, then I’m on Team Sport!

WOKE: You know they had a great line in the trailer. One of our brave Americans was wondering, why would I watch an event that is fixed?

DEPLOR: That’s true! That’s why I don’t watch politics.

WOKE: (thinking) That explains a lot. (saying) I think you are forgetting Mr. Deplorable, we live in a democracy. Putin can’t take that from us. Justice will be served!

DEPLOR: Who cares? Aren’t all the politicians bought anyways?

WOKE: Bought? Oh no, campaign contributions are a matter of free speech. You know they don’t have free speech in Russia. Putin is a dictator. He can do whatever he wants to his people.

DEPLOR: So do you think he is going to kill Edward Snowden?

WOKE: Gosh, I hope so! But, no, he won’t do that. He is at war and Snowden is on his side. He declared war when he rigged our election.

DEPLOR: Oh, ok, war! That sounds exciting!

WOKE: It is! I am guided by the beauty of our weapons! 

DEPLOR: So, where is this war?

WOKE: It’s everywhere, don’t you see? It’s in our ballot boxes, in our media, it comes from socialists, you saw Bernie Sanders collusion with Australia? It is now in our sports, in our movies. Nothing is real anymore. We live in a world of fake news.

DEPLOR: Who can I trust then?

WOKE: Make sure it comes from established, well-respected news sources, you never know where Russia will infiltrate. Have you heard the tale of Alice Donavan?  The Russians are everywhere. They are in with Black Lives Matter, Breitbart, Jill Stein. The Russians are coming.

DEPLOR: Did the Russians rig the Oscars too?

WOKE: Impossible!

DEPLOR: But they rigged the elections, they rigged the Olympics, why couldn’t they rig the Oscars?

WOKE: Trust me, the best films won.

DEPLOR: But why didn’t Get Out, a timely film depicting race relations in liberal America from a black perspective not beat out The Shape of Water, which is the story of a dehumanized specimen from South America being embraced as the “Other”? As much as liberal Hollywood may fawn over this movie, isn’t the South American still an amphibian? Tell me if I’m wrong but it seems that making an amphibian into a South American only to accept this creature into society as “he is” seems like the most self-serving xenophobic narrative to come out of Hollywood this year. Is this movie not just saying that South Americans are inhuman, but liberals are so woke they accept them anyways?

WOKE: In case you haven’t noticed Hollywood has been at the forefront of social causes. Without our activism and charity, you people wouldn’t even be able to live in a democracy! Not that I think it does so much good anyways, with all this foreign meddling. I mean half this country voted for Trump! If you don’t do your research, you shouldn’t vote at all. I mean really, if your opinions are so stupid, well, you deserve what is coming to you.

DEPLOR: Mr. Woke, I have something to tell you.

WOKE: Sure, what is it sport?

DEPLOR: I voted for Trump.

WOKE: You sexist pig! You people are the reason this country is going to hell!

ALERT FLASHES ACROSS MR. WOKE’S BRAND NEW IPHONE: Mr. Woke, respected actor and philanthropist has been accused by seven women of sexual misconduct.

WOKE: Shit, I got to go. Those damn Russians are on a witch hunt!


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Nick Pemberton is a student at Gustavus Adolphus College. He is currently employed by Gustavus Dining Services. Nick was born and raised in St. Paul, Minnesota. He can be reached at pemberton.nick@gmail.com

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