After long study, courtesy of funding from the Pew Charitable Trusts and the Ford Foundation, I have concluded that a new species of Homo sapiens, distinguished by class, race, education, and with special credit given to fashion sense, should be eaten by grizzly bears.
Supported by Pew and Ford, I don’t come to this conclusion lightly or with anything less than a profound sympathy for the consumption of raw humans in ecosystems.
It has been a long and painful process of arranging studies so that some of my richest, most influential, and least intelligent friends at Pew and the Greater Yellowstone Coalition (GYC), of which there are many, could be mauled and eaten. I know that naysayers, aware of my research over the last year, have criticized my approach, including the use of bacon and honey affixed to the backpacks and genitalia of research subjects.
There is also the issue of anal penetration of subjects by bears’ claws and tongues, which male Homo subjects have clamored over, demanding participation repeatedly, and which will be addressed in a separate forthcoming study. I know that such close and intimate engagement with the animals has heretofore been anathema at the GYC, though given enough money the group’s members appear willing to drop all ethical or moral misgivings concerning just about anything.
Let me first elaborate the most important of our broad findings: grizzlies prefer to kill, with extreme prejudice, highly educated white males accompanied by sheepish yet manly white females wearing Patagonia, or alternately Patagucci, fleece with Marmot, North Face, or other wild-couture flare as an accompanying accent.
The killing is especially vicious, and delicious, when the female component of the meal is bitching at the male about their perceived level of affluence at the moment immediately prior to being consumed. Observation of this behavior has resulted in the unfortunately sexist designation of a subspecies, Homo sapiens pataguccus cuntus.
Apparently this increased attraction of pataguccus cuntus flesh is due to the flooding of the human body with the bitter yet attractive toxins of envy, resentment, and ambition, which grizzlies like to eat as an exotic. It represents a meat state almost totally alien to anything found in their usual prey selection.
This is in fact key to understanding grizzly diet dynamics in recent years. The more bitching and moaning and whining between the affluent white male and female, the latter of which researchers refer to as the “cunt,” the more terrific the assault by grizzlies on the consumed prey.
It has been documented repeatedly that the louder the audial complaints of the cunt just prior to being eaten, for instance the louder her statements about the quality of the service industry in Jackson Hole and other centers of Homo sapiens affluence, the more ferocious the tearing apart of the face, breasts, stomach, legs, and especially the mouth of both her and her male counterpart.
This cunt preference among grizzlies in the Greater Yellowstone Ecosystem (GYE) is a notably new phenomenon, according to researchers. It has been largely driven by an influx of male Homo sapiens in necrotic symbiosis with willing female partner-servants and in the pattern of settlement that sociologists have described as “gentry-aristocratic softening.”
Grizzlies like this softening, and want more of it. The original Euro-American settlers, termed whitetrash-imbecile in recent studies, were not as well-dressed or intellectually satisfying to eat as this latest round of prey of Ursus arctos. And whitetrash-imbecile was dangerously armed. The cresting wave of Homo sapiens pataguccus cuntus, with its educated mind, soft flesh, delicate hands, expensive tastes and stupid pronouncements, promises a new protein source for the grizzly that could last well into mid-century.