FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

New Research into Grizzly Bears and Homo Sapiens Pataguccus Cuntus

After long study, courtesy of funding from the Pew Charitable Trusts and the Ford Foundation, I have concluded that a new species of Homo sapiens, distinguished by class, race, education, and with special credit given to fashion sense, should be eaten by grizzly bears.

Supported by Pew and Ford, I don’t come to this conclusion lightly or with anything less than a profound sympathy for the consumption of raw humans in ecosystems.

It has been a long and painful process of arranging studies so that some of my richest, most influential, and least intelligent friends at Pew and the Greater Yellowstone Coalition (GYC), of which there are many, could be mauled and eaten.  I know that naysayers, aware of my research over the last year, have criticized my approach, including the use of bacon and honey affixed to the backpacks and genitalia of research subjects.

There is also the issue of anal penetration of subjects by bears’ claws and tongues, which male Homo subjects have clamored over, demanding participation repeatedly, and which will be addressed in a separate forthcoming study.  I know that such close and intimate engagement with the animals has heretofore been anathema at the GYC, though given enough money the group’s members appear willing to drop all ethical or moral misgivings concerning just about anything.

Let me first elaborate the most important of our broad findings: grizzlies prefer to kill, with extreme prejudice, highly educated white males accompanied by sheepish yet manly white females wearing Patagonia, or alternately Patagucci, fleece with Marmot, North Face, or other wild-couture flare as an accompanying accent.

The killing is especially vicious, and delicious, when the female component of the meal is bitching at the male about their perceived level of affluence at the moment immediately prior to being consumed.  Observation of this behavior has resulted in the unfortunately sexist designation of a subspecies, Homo sapiens pataguccus cuntus.

Apparently this increased attraction of pataguccus cuntus flesh is due to the flooding of the human body with the bitter yet attractive toxins of envy, resentment, and ambition, which grizzlies like to eat as an exotic.  It represents a meat state almost totally alien to anything found in their usual prey selection.

This is in fact key to understanding grizzly diet dynamics in recent years.  The more bitching and moaning and whining between the affluent white male and female, the latter of which researchers refer to as the “cunt,” the more terrific the assault by grizzlies on the consumed prey.

It has been documented repeatedly that the louder the audial complaints of the cunt just prior to being eaten, for instance the louder her statements about the quality of the service industry in Jackson Hole and other centers of Homo sapiens affluence, the more ferocious the tearing apart of the face, breasts, stomach, legs, and especially the mouth of both her and her male counterpart.

This cunt preference among grizzlies in the Greater Yellowstone Ecosystem (GYE) is a notably new phenomenon, according to researchers.   It has been largely driven by an influx of male Homo sapiens in necrotic symbiosis with willing female partner-servants and in the pattern of settlement that sociologists have described as “gentry-aristocratic softening.”

Grizzlies like this softening, and want more of it.   The original Euro-American settlers, termed whitetrash-imbecile in recent studies, were not as well-dressed or intellectually satisfying to eat as this latest round of prey of Ursus arctos.  And whitetrash-imbecile was dangerously armed.  The cresting wave of Homo sapiens pataguccus cuntus, with its educated mind, soft flesh, delicate hands, expensive tastes and stupid pronouncements, promises a new protein source for the grizzly that could last well into mid-century.

More articles by:

Christopher Ketcham is the author of the forthcoming “This Land: How Cowboys, Capitalism and Corruption are Ruining the American West,” out next year from Viking-Penguin.  He can be reached at cketcham99@mindspring.com.

Weekend Edition
November 16, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Jonah Raskin
A California Jew in a Time of Anti-Semitism
Andrew Levine
Whither the Melting Pot?
Joshua Frank
Climate Change and Wildfires: The New Western Travesty
Nick Pemberton
The Revolution’s Here, Please Excuse Me While I Laugh
T.J. Coles
Israel Cannot Use Violent Self-Defense While Occupying Gaza
Rob Urie
Nuclear Weapons are a Nightmare Made in America
Paul Street
Barack von Obamenburg, Herr Donald, and Big Capitalist Hypocrisy: On How Fascism Happens
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: Fire is Sweeping Our Very Streets Today
Aidan O'Brien
Ireland’s New President, Other European Fools and the Abyss 
Pete Dolack
“Winners” in Amazon Sweepstakes Sure to be the Losers
Richard Eskow
Amazon, Go Home! Billions for Working People, But Not One Cent For Tribute
Ramzy Baroud
In Breach of Human Rights, Netanyahu Supports the Death Penalty against Palestinians
Brian Terrell
Ending the War in Yemen- Congressional Resolution is Not Enough!
John Laforge
Woolsey Fire Burns Toxic Santa Susana Reactor Site
Ralph Nader
The War Over Words: Republicans Easily Defeat the Democrats
M. G. Piety
Reading Plato in the Time of the Oligarchs
Rafael Correa
Ecuador’s Soft Coup and Political Persecution
Brian Cloughley
Aid Projects Can Work, But Not “Head-Smacking Stupid Ones”
David Swanson
A Tale of Two Marines
Robert Fantina
Democrats and the Mid-Term Elections
Joseph Flatley
The Fascist Creep: How Conspiracy Theories and an Unhinged President Created an Anti-Semitic Terrorist
Joseph Natoli
Twitter: Fast Track to the Id
William Hawes
Baselines for Activism: Brecht’s Stance, the New Science, and Planting Seeds
Bob Wing
Toward Racial Justice and a Third Reconstruction
Ron Jacobs
Hunter S. Thompson: Chronicling the Republic’s Fall
Oscar Gonzalez
Stan Lee and a Barrio Kid
Jack Rasmus
Election 2018 and the Unraveling of America
Sam Pizzigati
The Democrats Won Big, But Will They Go Bold?
Yves Engler
Canada and Saudi Arabia: Friends or Enemies?
Cesar Chelala
Can El Paso be a Model for Healing?
Mike Ferner
The Tragically Misnamed Paris Peace Conference
Barry Lando
Trump’s Enablers: Appalling Parallels
Ariel Dorfman
The Boy Who Taught Me About War and Peace
Binoy Kampmark
The Disgruntled Former Prime Minister
Faisal Khan
Is Dubai Really a Destination of Choice?
Arnold August
The Importance of Néstor García Iturbe, Cuban Intellectual
James Munson
An Indecisive War To End All Wars, I Mean the Midterm Elections
Nyla Ali Khan
Women as Repositories of Communal Values and Cultural Traditions
Dan Bacher
Judge Orders Moratorium on Offshore Fracking in Federal Waters off California
Christopher Brauchli
When Depravity Wins
Robby Sherwin
Here’s an Idea
Susan Block
Cucks, Cuckolding and Campaign Management
Louis Proyect
The Mafia and the Class Struggle (Part Two)
David Yearsley
Smoke on the Water: Jazz in San Francisco
Elliot Sperber
All of Those Bezos
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail