After meeting many people from Seattle and Portland who have moved to Los Angeles, I’ve created an online dating site for people from California, Oregon and Washington. These are the people who don’t swipe “Right” — or, at least, think they don’t. Check the boxes below and find your agave.
___Trump — I’d rather put a gun barrel in my mouth.
___Trump — I’d rather put a gun barrel in — “US Secret Service, may we speak with you?”
___Trump — Sarandonista: It has to get worse before it gets better.
___Trump — More a difference in degree than kind.
___Trump — Hell yeah, drain my swamp, baby!
___I’m 8 in dog years though, strangely, my dog is still more mature.
___My chronological age is 52 but my chakra vibrates at a jailbait-y 16.
___It’s just a number — a number you’re not going to like.
___Don’t trust anyone over 30 — young Abbie Hoffman.
___Don’t trust anyone under 30 — older Abbie Hoffman.
___Lost the kids in the divorce over the 2016 election.
___Let’s get busy and create some Chelseabots.
___Heather has two mommies — and they both have dicks.
___Cats — Bow down to your masters.
___Dogs — Bow down to your slaves.
___Sorry, I’m allergic to every living thing. I’m gluten-free too, just so you know.
___Rooted in the dirt
___Dangling from a tree
___Anything that moves
___Bovine mammary secretions
___Too ridiculous to even have a name
___I’m creating the next diet fad right now but I haven’t trademarked it yet
___Fasting until I find someone
___Eating everything in sight until I find someone — then I’ll shape up
___Little Bo Peep — Can’t find my peeps.
___Black Sheep — Little Bo Peep talks a good game but she doesn’t like me either.
___Trump Bo Peep — Polyhatefulous, a swinger, married but open to fucking everybody. I’ll start with the Black Sheep, bloody rare. Then I’ll have Little Bo Peep as the entree. How are the wombs tonight? Grab us a few of those for dessert. Donnie, Eric — put those rifles down — everything’s dead already! Ivana did a really, really bad job of raising you two! I didn’t fire her soon enough! Sad!
___Yes — but only to Seattle if it stops raining.
___Yes — but only to LA if cars are banned.
___Yes — but only to Portland if it stops raining freaks.
___No way — nothing exists east of Pasadena, Portland or Seattle.
Sex and religion:
___Shia Islam: You can flog me on the pilgrimage. Fifty Shades of Shia. Safe word: “Nasrallah!”
___Sunni Islam: S and M OK, but only with the CIA.
___Judaism — Is it cheating if I fuck Palestinians forever?
___Hinduism — It’s true, baby, I have fucked around a lot. But it’s only because next time I’m coming back as a rock. Where’s your compassion?
___Jainism — I’d fuck you — but some of my sperms would die.
___Buddhism — Actually, I reach transcendence whether you get off or not.
___Christian — Let’s hate sex because it will be more of a turn-on when we do it. Let’s kill people all over the world to share the good news.
Special segregated religious/political section:
___Orthodox Jew — It’s nothing to do with me. It says right here in the Torah to make dying Palestinians wait at the checkpoint for at least 6.5 hours.
___Secular Jew — Let’s fight against racism, sexism and speciesism — and make those Palestinian cockroaches wait at the checkpoint for eight hours!
___Self-hating Jew — Racism, sexism, speciesism and Israeli apartheid are wrong.
___I sat on my ass for the last eight years, maybe it’s time to do something.
___Does throwing Molotov cocktails burn many calories?
___I like to hike to the top of the mountain and take selfies while looking into the deplorable abyss between NYC and LA.
___ I’ve been running from capitalism my entire life but the only weight I’ve been able to shed is jobs, houses, spouses, savings, pensions and health.
___Aries — Baby, we need to make a change. So far our relationship has been 98% about me. Is there a good reason I can’t have that last 2%?
___Taurus — Come on in. You probably saw the Ferrari in the driveway. Let me show you my other possessions: the Bose, the spouse and kids, rugs from the Andes, some chunks of Palmyra. After dinner, we’ll roll out my degrees, vacations and values. Is there anything better, any higher calling on earth than owning?
___Gemini — “The Three Faces of Eve” isn’t the half of it. Is it a deal-beaker if I’m going through the “change of life” my entire life? Tell me quickly because I’m already getting bored. If I have six to ten personalities, it seems only fair that they each have a different lover. Would you deprive someone/s of loving completely and fully? Think of me as an ambulance chaser of the heart.
___Cancer — Let me talk to you for a couple hours about people you don’t know and shit you don’t care about. Let’s go down every capillary of who’s cheating on who, who got sick and went to the hospital and thought they were gonna die but, miraculously, didn’t and every dangerous thing that almost happened to the cat of your cousin’s best friend’s uncle but, thank God, didn’t.
___Leo — Now, now, baby, of course I know the difference between the power of love and the love of power. I always come down on the right side of that… You know, come to think of it… we shouldn’t take anything off the table.
___Virgo — I’m gonna take some insignificant thing and beat it to death for a few hours. You can extend this by trying — unsuccessfully — to cheer me up.
___Libra — Some people think I’m transparent, phony, shallow, condescending, can’t make decisions, placate others continually and back off from taking strong stands. I say it takes a lot of integrity and honesty to openly show my shallowness, phoniness and condescension — it’s real. People know exactly where I’m coming from. Win-win. Can’t we agree on that?
___Scorpio — If I can’t start a fight with you in the morning and call you at work while you’re doing open heart surgery and tell you we’re breaking up, I’m changing the locks, the kids hate you and they all attempted suicide today and then, later, we make up by fucking all night and then do it all again two weeks from now — what’s the point of life? Where’s the realness, the genuineness? I hate phony people! Phony people tire me out!
___Sagittarius — Of course I can get this done in time. Not only that but I’m going to make it bigger and better and more comprehensive — I’ve got all kinds of ideas. Let’s go out, 90% of this is done, let’s celebrate, live a little… Oh, shit, time got away from me — you know how it is. Yeah, I know it’s wrong and I missed a few things but there’s nothing that can’t be fixed. I’ll stay all night if I have too. Just let me call home. “Honey, I have to work late tonight — some brand new problems came up. People don’t know what they’re doing around here and I have to clean up the mess — you know how it is. Jesus, the Buddha and Chairman Mao would have had trouble getting this done on time — they know how it is. Don’t wait up. Goodnight.” It’s cool, let’s go out for a drink. I hear music playing. I’ll come back later and finish this.
___Capricorn — I worked long and hard to climb this mountain. It’s kind of lonely and boring up here. What’s so special about this mountain? I think I’ll blow up this mountain.
___Aquarius — Our family is very progressive. Movers and shakers, that kind of thing. For instance, I’m giving a talk today at the local college about my latest book on fifth-wave feminism. I’m going to be late, though, because my stupid cunt wife says she didn’t have time to launder my shirts. She’s an Aquarian also and she was too busy packing to fly to Europe — going to protest climate change. Everybody tells us we’re in the vanguard of whatever we’re going. All of our six kids are vegan. Still, you can’t force your beliefs on people — all you can do is set a good example. Self-awareness is like Godliness to me, if I believed in God. But I believe in people like me. Not the Age of Aquarius, I like to say, but the Age of Awareness.
___Pisces — I’m not sure whether it’s better to float aimlessly through life on a stream, a river, a lake or an ocean. I’m gonna try them all! Wanna come with me? It’s OK, we’re safe, none of these bodies of water have drains to go down.
Check the ones that best describe you:
___Seeking someone to explore the beauty of America with — before Trump drills and kills it all.
___I think all of our anti-Trump protests should funnel us down the chute to the Democratic Party’s kill floor where Cory Booker and Liz Warren wait with some really dull knives.
___Democrat grassroots organizer: “Hey Cory, this is Alex of Progressive Pulse in West Hollywood. Soros just gave us $100,000 to put a team of super-savvy social media mavens — all 22-year-old Asian girls — on the ground in Cleveland, Milwaukee, Detroit and Dayton to find out what’s up out there. We are so stoked about 2020!”
___Whenever I go to exotic places I have an unknown/unnamed photographer take glamorous and intimate pictures of me so I can post them on social media. But I’m single. I have no idea why. Sometimes I think people don’t like me. Haters gonna hate.