Trump Names Melania His Secretary of State

In a surprise announcement, President-elect Donald Trump has announced that his wife, Melania, will become his Secretary of State. “Her statements on bullying convinced me that she’s the strong person the country needs. She’ll be able to sand up to foreign governments that threaten us with their aggression. It’s a win-win decision for the United States. Win-win. Win.”

The announcement came as no surprise once his followers learned of Trump’s preference for family members as members of his Cabinet, along with the added value of the Trump name and its focus on monetizing its potential. Mrs. Trump will serve without pay in order to avert nepotism laws.

Some of the other candidates considered for the position were less than sanguine about the decision. Rudy Giuliani muttered, “She’s got a great international perspective. After all, she’s been a successful model on two different continents and has experience as an undocumented immigrant.” Political pundits observed that Melania’s experience is stronger than Sarah Palin’s gazing at Russia from her front porch.

Trump watchers—initially surprised by family members being given important positions in his administration—learned over the weekend one likely reason for these decisions. In a leaked email on Wikileaks, Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, revealed that Donald Trump is dyslexic and that he cannot read. “We read all documents aloud to him and then he makes his decisions based on what he has heard. It’s a remarkably successful process that has always worked getting him the greatest business deals.”

When Jared was asked about his own clearance to sit in on national security meetings, he confessed that the reason was related to his father-in-law’s learning disability. “But don’t worry about that. Melania can read Slovenian. And we’re thinking about getting a clearance for Barron, who will be sitting in on the meetings anyway and drawing.”

Speaking for the left, Elizabeth Warren remarked about all of the developments of the Trump transition team, “What do you expect from a kakistocracy?”

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Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C. Email = clarson@american.edu. Twitter @LarsonChuck.

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