A To-Go Order For His Satanic Majesty

Because Hillary Clinton’s official policy is armageddon and nuclear war with Russia, I recommend that all Americans check out the NUKEMAP. The NUKEMAP lets us destroy various cities with warheads ranging from Fat Man (Nagasaki) and Little Boy (Hiroshima) all the way up to China’s Dong Feng-5 which will radiate you “Over and Over” and leave you in “Bits and Pieces.” Americans should be more concerned about our immediate area rather than what can be bombed in Russia. That’s because Russia has told anyone who’s listening (i.e, not Killary) that they will not fight another war on Russian soil. If we directly attack Russia, they aren’t going to play fair and bomb some Baltic shit hole and leave the beautiful US mainland exceptionally alone. Incredibly thoughtful, the NUKEMAP shows various kiloton yields, the degree of burns, plus the psi and ionizing radiation needed for maximum damage. No matter what bells and whistles are added, we automatically get the “fireball radius,” the “radiation radius” and the “thermal radiation radius.” And to give us that presidential feeling, there’s a nice big red “Detonate” button which starts the casualty counter running.

Basically, with the NUKEMAP, we can put in — ha ha ha — our order to Vladimir Putin about which areas of the US we have a preference for obliterating. Based on 9/11 and creating worldwide enmity through non-stop wars, we know that the US government isn’t going to protect us from anything but there will undoubtedly be underground bunkers for war criminals and Wall Street bankers. By putting in a request to Putin about what to bomb, we Americans might get some satisfaction in the last moment of our lives when many millions have gone whole lifetimes without any satisfaction — no healthcare, no decent housing or schools, no job security, plenty of mass incarceration and police executions and brutality, generations of poverty in the land of unimaginable wealth and waste, deteriorating living standards, crumbling infrastructure, debt peonage, austerity, insecurity, shortened lifespans and the nonstop 24/7 destruction of other nations instead of building America.

I think that we shouldn’t take the easy way out of choosing Wall Street and Washington DC (unless we happen to live there) but be willing to step up and sacrifice something in our own immediate area. I also don’t think it’s very sporting to choose thousands of warheads that would indiscriminately destroy everything. I think we should limit our choices to one bomb and make our case. I think we should make the “hard choices” that Obama always prides himself on when he’s killing innocent people while his hypocritical liberal base ignore his crimes. (We also need a new word for the people who support Obama and Killary. They aren’t really liberals or progressives or leftists. What should we call people who silence the class struggle, elevate identity politics and support mass murder as long as the right colored or sexed or partied politicians are doing it? I’m open to suggestions — just make it catchy. Don’t submit mouthfuls like “revolting irrelevant vacuous weak-ass pricks and cunts.”)

Everyone should write up their bombing preference and mail it to: His Satanic Majesty, Kremlin, Moscow, Russia 666. The funny thing is, I bet he will get it. Why let Putin choose the targets when we Americans know best where all the bodies are buried and who really needs bombed? Sure, Putin knows about us overthrowing the Ukrainian government to jump-start some neo-Nazis, but what does he know about the hell of calling up Time Warner Cable and trying to get some satisfaction? And now that they’ve been bought by AT&T, imagine all of the low-cost efficiency that we are about to receive from the free market!

On the NUKEMAP, I was completely astounded that Hollywood isn’t one of the default choices in the drop down box. Gratuitously, Philadelphia is a choice. Philly never even rebuilt Osage Avenue after another black role model, Wilson Goode, bombed the shit out of his own people back in 1985. Fallujah and Aleppo will get rebuilt before Osage Avenue. Palmyra, Syria is already being rebuilt. Amazing — if you want a city destroyed most effectively — don’t call ISIS, call Wilson Goode. Many Americans get cancer and heart disease but — fuhgeddaboudit — they die of irony.

So many choices on the NUKEMAP… If you believe that Hillary will continue to be a real fuck-up you can even have her “mistakenly” erase 30,000 deplorables with a Minuteman missile in an American city of your choice. I suppose she would bomb Portsmouth, Ohio for world peace. Or maybe she would just target wherever Anthony Weiner is. She came, she saw, and Weiner Instagrammed his glowing nuclear-tipped fool rod to some teenage girl as his final statement. Just before Huma could take him back again. Life is so sad.

I live on LA’s west side so when I go to the NUKEMAP, I always choose Russia’s “Tsar Bomba” 100 megaton. Now I don’t have anything against the Pico Robertson area of LA, but I make it ground zero because the fireball radius encompasses most of Hollywood and Beverly Hills. (To my friend, Denise: sorry, but sometimes we get triangulated out of life itself — this is the only realistic thing that can be done about your greedy malignant landlord.) My choice doesn’t cover most of the studios but it probably gets most of the areas where the studios’ movers and shakers actually live. I’m pleased that this whole area has been very understanding of the concept of “collateral damage” when Israel applies it to Palestinians and Obama applies it to Iraqis, Syrians and Somalis etc.

The NUKEMAP says that in the thermal radiation radius that your skin would be on fire but you won’t feel any pain because all the nerves would be dead. (The body is so amazing!) And that’s — finally! — a reason to move to Palmdale. Speaking of Palmdale, my choice leaves all of their boring street signs intact — like E Ave. R-4 — but now the lazy unimaginative fucks who (used to) live there have a good reason for not thinking up some real names. Looking at Palmdale and Lancaster on the NUKEMAP, you’ll note that I believe that Hollywood and Beverly Hills are a greater threat to world peace than Edwards Air Force Base which is well outside of my thermal radiation radius.

I would escape the immediate fireball area but I would be right in the heart of the radiation radius… So why did I choose this?

Well, I live in a really bad area where there’s lots of troublemakers. And I don’t know of any way to get rid of them short of a nuclear bomb. The west side of LA is Zionist Central for America. Israeli Defense Forces (sic) t-shirts are so common that they’re in Goodwill stores and worn about downtown Santa Monica like hunters carrying around antlers: “I’m a land and water stealing racist genocider and goddamned proud of it!” This is the area where Obama and Hillary got their black belts in Jew-dough. (This is the reason that, for eight solid years, our traffic has been jammed up more than usual with freeways and major streets being shut down for hours for “security” because Obama has to shake down the west side again. Not to mention when real royalty, like Benjamin Satanyahoo, visits Malibu.) Westsiders are big drivers of America’s wars to destroy the Middle East for the benefit of Israel which has cost trillions of dollars and millions of lives. These are also the people who make the movies (“reality” in the vernacular) that glorify Israel and vilify Muslims, Arabs, Palestinians and Russians. Like the media and government, Hollywood needs de-Zionized. The west side money men and women make it impossible for any dissenting view on Israel to get raised at any level of government. I’m sure the squeeze has been put on every dog catcher in South Central to have the correct opinion on the West Bank. (See how it works here, according to the late Tom Hayden.)

The westsiders of LA are more of a threat to humanity than even Wall Street and the Pentagon. Wall Street people know that the world can, indeed, be destroyed because they do it all the time. The Pentagon knows the same thing, as Gen. Joseph Dunford recently tried to warn Congress critters who were gung-ho about imposing a no-fly zone over Syria. (They didn’t understand that this would mean a shooting war with Russia.) Westsiders, on the other hand, could never imagine that God, the universe or AIPAC would ever let anything bad happen to them. It’s always 75 and sunny in Izzy on the Pacific. No country would be so mean as to drop a nuclear bomb on the Santa Monica boardwalk or the Hollywood Walk of Fame — that would be so cruel and pointless! They never did nothin’ to nobody! They do, however, believe that there is a point in slaughtering millions of people in the Middle East for Israel. The smugness, confidence and “exceptionalism” of the westsiders make them extremely dangerous.

Television and billboard advertising is so expensive in LA that AIPAC has taken to donating sandwich boards to homeless people with various messages printed on them: “Palestinian Blood Makes The Desert Bloom!” “Will Work For Racist Genociding — Any Cluster Bomb Helps — God Bless!” “Help A Settler Have A Happy Housewarming Party!” “Sister Tent City To Har Homa!” “Lost My Job To A Palestinian Refugee — Damn Them! God Bless!” “Make America Israel Again And Again And Again!” “Honk To Save America’s Heritage — Custer Bull Conner Israel!” “If I Can Sleep Outside Why Can’t Gazans — #CampGaza #StopWhiningGaza!” ”Please Give — Need To Make Aliyah To The Bus Station!”

I’m sparing Santa Monica from the fireball area because, it may surprise you to learn, every year the city of Santa Monica funds a production of my play, “The Merchant of Venice Beach.” This has the famous soliloquy which is taught in every high school in America:

“I am Palestinian. Hath not a Palestinian eyes for blinding with white phosphorus? Hath not a Palestinian organs for you to cut out and sell on the black market? Hath not a Palestinian olive trees for you to bulldoze? Hath we not our keys to the very houses that you stole and live in? If Palestinian children play soccer on the beach are they not shelled from your gunships? If you starve us with blockades and bomb our water plants do we not get sick and die? If you give us a ‘Palestinian hanging’ do our limbs not get ripped apart? Are we not your lab subjects to test your weapons and surveillance to facilitate the Israelification of the entire world? If you poison Arafat does he not die? And if you wrong us, do we not revenge? If we are like you….No, actually, we’re not like you at all, you motherfuckers, because we never committed genocide. We’re much better than you Zionist assholes. We never erased your history —  the renamed towns and streets, the paved-over cemeteries. We never drove 750,000 of you out of your homes with rape, terror, torture and mass executions and scattered you in refugee camps all around the world so your children and grandchildren will live in poverty and hopelessness. We were never so weak and immoral as to have turned an unspeakable atrocity into a decades-long psychodrama where the wrong lesson was happily learned: suffer abuse, then ‘grow up’ to identify with the victimizers instead of the victims. ‘Never again’ — but for yourselves only. We would never use an atrocity to try to silence others who seek redress for grievances. No, you’re some fucked up people. And the more the world learns about you, the less it likes.” Students, demand your right to stage “The Merchant of Venice Beach”!

It’s a shame but we’re coming to the end of Obama’s quite successful post-racial society and, as the Ice Woman Cometh, we’re about to ring in the post-sexual society (everybody’s going to be turned off for four years.) As America checks off another box in the Light-Unto-the-World sweepstakes, I’ll be singing along with Pootie Goes to Hollywood: “Relax — shoot it in the right direction — hit me with your laser beams!”


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Dan De Leon was once at a vegan picnic in Culver City’s Rancho Park with a dozen other people when the US Secret Service walked up to the picnic table and said the group would have to leave because POTUS was in the area. The agents’ training enabled them to recognize immediately that a bunch of broke-ass vegans were grotesquely out of place.   

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