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Cell to Cell Communication: On How to Become Governor of Puerto Rico

by

The clear frontrunner in the upcoming election for Governor of Puerto Rico is the youngest son of a former Island Governor.

He is 37 years old and holds a PhD in Biomedical Engineering from the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.

He believes in science, technology and statehood for Puerto Rico.

His dissertation is on cell to cell communication.

He is notorious on social media for his inability to communicate his ideas regarding public policy.

This much is clear however: He believes the Puerto Rican Government can and should pay all its debts.

At present, the Puerto Rican Government owes 73 billion dollars.

At present, he is a college professor on leave and has never held public office.

At present, he is living off of a family inheritance.

Local financial experts and political pundits like to speak of Puerto Rico’s debt as inherited.

He is the author of a book on Puerto Rico’s socio-political future.

At present, Puerto Ricans’ socio-political future looks so bleak, the people of the future will likely consider it a crappy inheritance.

To become his party’s nominee he beat out the current Resident Commissioner of Puerto Rico in Washington DC.

The current Resident Commissioner of Puerto Rico happens to be the brother in law of the President of the federally appointed and imposed Fiscal Control Board, created under PROMESA.

At present, the Fiscal Control Board has taken control of all major governmental entities, agencies and public corporations, including the University of Puerto Rico.

He believes in working with the board in order to…

Unfortunately, this is not very clear.

He is a democrat.

Exactly what it means to be a democrat in an unincorporated territory, whose inhabitants cannot vote for candidates of any U.S. political party, is unclear.

He is against LGTTQ* rights and caters, rather enthusiastically, to the Christian right.

Exactly how the Christian right relates to the study of cell to cell communication is unclear.

His father is also a democrat.

Whether or not this was communicated to his son on a cellular level is also unclear.

What is clear is that governors on the Island are born and bred.

The same could be said to apply to presidents of federally appointed and imposed fiscal control boards.

Science has shown that in Puerto Rico powerful people—whether democrat or republican—marry, give birth and marry off their children in such a way so that their cells communicate effectively across generations to secure a future for their kind only.

His supporters consider him to be a scientific expert.

His dissertation, in part, is dedicated to his parents.

Are governorships dedicated in the same way?

Dedications, in a way, are admissions of being indebted to something or someone.

It is presumed that a considerable portion of Puerto Rico’s debt is illegal.

Many in Puerto Rico have called for the debt to be audited.

He does not agree, for he believes Puerto Rico can and should pay all its debts because…

Unfortunately, this is not very clear.

What is clear is that he is his father’s son and he’s 37 years old and he’s already got a PhD and a book and an inheritance. But he’s never held public office so…

The dedication of his dissertation reads: “To my beloved mother and father for never telling me how to live; but living and letting me watch.”

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