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The Good TPP

So Baby DonDon was reading all these stories about how Russia hacked the email system of the Democratic National Committee and this led to the ouster of DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz. And I got nervous.

You see, last year I wrote a 40-page email to Vladimir Putin about his manly chest. I used the word “manly” 112 times and the word “powerful” 207 times. I called him “Tyrannosaurus Pecs” and I didn’t use the words “man boobs” even once. But if this went public, it could be embarrassing. So I called Vlad the Manly yesterday and, after sharing ideas about how to deal with journalists, we reached an agreement after a few hours of lively blackmail. If I’m elected, he will serve as our secretary of state.

So our ticket is now TPP (Trump/Pence/Putin) and we can contrast our great TPP with the horrible TPP trade deal President Obama is trying to force down our throats.

Can we do this? Of course. Many cabinet officers have been born outside the U.S., including two secretaries of state, Henry Kissinger and Madeleine Albright, and several Treasury secretaries, among them—wait for it—Alexander  Hamilton. Our musical comedy staff is already hard at work on a new version of “Putin on the Ritz.”

Folks, is this thinking bigly or what?

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines that Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump (www.missinglincoln.com).

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