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Kaine the Weepy Executioner

“Why are you crying, Little Timmy?”

“I had to do it. I’m upset”

“Now, now, Little Timmy. You know you didn’t have to execute those eleven defenseless prisoners. You really can’t say you were forced to do it.”

“But if I didn’t kill them, the people of Virginia would think I was weak and might not like me anymore.”

“Timmy, you spared one prisoner scheduled for execution, so everybody knows you had the power to stop them all.”

“Now you’re making me upset all over again.”

“Timmy, you know capital punishment is barbaric and a human rights violation, but you let the executions proceed anyway.”

“I’ve said that killing prisoners is a bad thing many times. Isn’t that enough?”

“Now, Timmy, just because you say one thing, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to do the exact opposite. You know capital punishment in the United States is an abomination. Yet you executed six black prisoners. Six out of a total of eleven executions means you are carrying out a racist policy. Your saying you’re sorry is like when the axeman asks the person he’s about to behead for forgiveness. It really doesn’t mean anything.”

“But I say I’m opposed to racism.”

“Little Timmy, don’t you know that your words don’t mean anything when you do the bad thing anyway? You can’t say you don’t like killing puppies while at the same time you’re killing puppies. You can’t say I hate killing defenseless people while you’re killing defenseless people.”

“You mean you don’t believe me when I say I’m opposed to capital punishment?”

“Little Timmy, don’t you know that your actions speak much louder than your words? If you say you’re against something and then kill eleven people, well, just by your actions you’re calling yourself a liar. And adding to the fact that you proportionately killed so many black Americans, well, I can’t imagine how anyone with a rational mind can believe anything you have to say on the subject.”

“The Clintons like me. Isn’t that enough?”

“Well, Little Timmy, Hillary Clinton says she supports capital punishment when the people being killed are the ones she thinks should be killed. And some of us remember how when Billy Clinton was running for President he raced back to Arkansas for the execution of a mentally damaged black man. People like that will probably forgive your two-faced bullshit when it comes to committing racist human rights violations. But with those people who don’t support racism and capital punishment, you might not find a great deal of support.”

“But I’m still better than Donald Trump.”

“I’m sorry, Little Timmy, but I can think of eleven families who probably don’t believe that. It’s one thing to present yourself as a vicious, cruel animal and actually be one. It’s another to say you’re opposed to a human rights violation and commit it eleven times. Donald Trump might eventually get blood on his hands, but you’re swimming in it.

“Besides, being better than Donald Trump is such an extremely low bar even the rest of the kids in your class will probably laugh you out of the room.”

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