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Breaking News: Melania Trump’s Original Speech Was Even Worse

Dissident sources within the Trump campaign have provided me with amazing, surreptiously-taken cellphone video of the “dress rehearsal” of Melania Trump’s plagiarized speech last night. Incredibly enough, it seems that before the final edits were done on it, one or two other small bits of plagiarism almost slipped through the cracks. Here is one typical passage, as phonetically transcribed from the video, in great haste. (Note: she actually read the stage directions aloud, which is why they appear in the transcript.)

“In the beginning, dere vas the vord…and dat vord was…Duhnald Trump! Now some people say dey are afraid of my hussbin being President. Vell, I haff bin wit’ Duhnald, in various capacitees, for over 18 years, and I can tell you dis: dere is only vun sing about my hussbin dat you haf to fear…and dat iss fear itself!  (HOLD FOR APPLAUSE.)   Now, let’s face it: duh vurld vill little note, nor long remember, vuht ve say here in Cleveland Ohio, but vehn my hussbin Duhnald look at Hillary Cleen-ton, you know vuht he like to say?: “To zeh moon, Alice!” (HOLD FOR APPLAUSE UND LAUGHTER.) Thank you…Now, you know how duh lying media like to make duh fun of Duhnald, and now even zey stoop so low to make duh fun of me too. Vell, you know vuht I say to dat? Tonight, I consider myself…duh luckiest man…on duh face of duh earth! (STEP BACK FROM PODIUM TO ACKNOWLEDGE BEEG OVATION.)”

At that point in the video, a very large man—who appears to be Chris Christie—rushes into the frame, knocking over the podium and completely blocking Ms. Trump, amid a series of spluttering noises, grunts, and confused obscenities; then the screen goes completely dark. Today, Christie stunned reporters with his fatuous defense of Ms. Trump’s plagiarism, saying that” 93% of it” was original. But this transcript makes it very clear that if it wasn’t for some hawk-eyed literary experts on Trump’s crack staff, the percentage of original material would have been much, much lower.

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John Eskow is a writer and musician. He wrote or co-wrote the movies Air America, The Mask of Zorro, and Pink Cadillac, as well as the novel Smokestack Lightning. He is a contributor to Killing Trayvons: an Anthology of American Violence. He can be reached at: johneskow@yahoo.com

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