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Agriculture—My golf courses receive tax breaks for agricultural use. If a goat craps on your New Jersey property you can be designated a working farm. Hey, we’re real farmers at Trump Golf. We raise greens fees. Ha! Our government is so stupid.
Health savings account deduction—Can we talk about Obamacare? It’s a disaster. It makes me sick. (Hmm, good one!)
Student loan interest deduction—I went to the best college in America. Ask anyone. Go on, ask them. I can wait.
Domestic production activities deduction—What the fuck is this? Oh, you get it for building things? I used to do that. Never mind.
Other taxable income—I don’t know what gets into the heads of these stupid, foul-smelling foreign leeches, but visiting dignitaries keep bringing me livestock. Don’t they know I live on Fifth Avenue and not in the freakin’ Congo? My accountant says I have to count the 16 goats and 11 oxen as “tip” income. Me, tip income. Really. Okay, you blood suckers–$14,400 (All I know is that when I visit France as president the gift I’m bringing is soap.)
Adjusted gross income–$400,014,400
Nontaxable combat pay election—Yeah it’s real and I’m using it because I took heavy incoming from Ted Cruz—Lyin’ Ted, I call him Lyin’ Ted ‘cause he lies like a dog, only now he’s more like Cryin’ Ted or Goodbye-in’ Ted. And speaking of combat, which I feel I endured at military school, definitely worse than what most people saw in Nam, I want to remind you I love our vets. And I will take care of our vets, our vets who were never captured, our military school vets, even though I’ve done diddly for them so far, but I will someday, if I can get someone to pay for it. Still, I’m very proud to have made it through military school without getting captured. It was an honor.
Landscaping and hair care; mulch; hairspray; shellac; clementine/persimmon Spray Tan–$14,000,000
Corporate filing fees to pretend Trump Steaks still exists–$1,200
Subscriptions (National Enquirer; Conspiracy; Conspiracy Daily; Conspiracy Weekly; Daily Conspiracy; Conspiracy Monthly; Treachery; INtrigue; Loose Canon; Paranoia: The Conspiracy Reader; Collusion; Plots; You Could Just Plotz; Treason, Perfidy and Sedition Online; The Grassy Knoll; Wingnut Weekly; The Great White Way; Truther Dare, etc.)–$1,800
Endangered Livestock Recovery Act (deduction for caring for rare breed of tailless oxen)–$100,000
Public relations (payments to John Miller; John Barron; Barron Miller; Miller Barron; Baron von Miller; Baron von Barron; Baron, Miller, Barron, Miller, Miller, Barrin and Lefkowitz)–$26,000,000
Ethnic Eviction and Rent Roll Cleansing Services (“You Choose ‘Em, We Lose ‘Em”)–$12,000,000
Acquisition of black friends–$8,450,000
Acquisition of Hispanic friends—(“I love the Hispanics.”)–$9,545,000
Say Hey Asians!–$350,000
Entertainment (Hangin’ with the Homies Night, Taco Bowl Night, Groovin’ with the Greeks, Swingin’ with the Serbs, Czech Mates, The Pole Dance, etc.)–$51,000,000
Legal fees (to defend the good name of Trump University, the second-best school in the United States, if it were open)–$44,000,000
Books—My Rise and Fall by Benito Mussolini (first half much more enjoyable than second half) and 9-11 Descent Into Tyranny: The New World Order’s Dark Plans to Turn Earth into a Prison Planet by Alex Jones (Jones, who has proven that Michelle Obama is transgender and murdered Joan Rivers to keep her secret, is a master of trenchant understatement)–$38 paid to noted tax-evader and pissant press lord Jeff Bezos, who’s gonna fall like Humpty-Dumpty—with a nice push from Trumpty-Dumpty—mark my words. With me as president the first amendment will be the Second Amendment.
Non-cash charitable contributions (Regifted goats after they were rebranded.)–$4,000,000; Surplus guacamole from Taco Bowl Night–$3,750,000; Eleven surgically-removed oxtails given to Jamaican Cultural Festival in Brooklyn ($55,000, including fee for veterinarian); signed briefing papers to Wharton School ($5,000,000); goat semen to Brigham Young School of Animal Husbandry ($2,000,000; Collecting the semen was an honor. And, may I say, is anyone better than the Mormons? I don’t think so. On Saturday, I always think latter-day.); 396 rounds of golf–$158,400; four rounds of golf given to my pioneering Golfing for Cripples program (I’m so proud to be a part of this wonderful charity, so honored)–$1,600; 12 rounds of golf with me (Oh, gee, what do you think that’s worth? I will take a stab at it and figure each round would come to, say, $16,299,285.17)–$195,591,422.
Cash contributions to charity—Well, you got me. The answer is zippo. A big nothingburger, the proverbial goose egg. Way I see it, I give of myself, which is much more valuable than mere money. Lots of people have money, and there are so many billionaires who will give a sackful of cash just to see their name up in big letters on a building (what’s with that?), but who else can give ME? I transcend cash.
Taxes paid—In a word, no.