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The 1040 You’ll Never See

Filing Status—Huge

Agriculture—My golf courses receive tax breaks for agricultural use. If a goat craps on your New Jersey property you can be designated a working farm. Hey, we’re real farmers at Trump Golf. We raise greens fees. Ha! Our government is so stupid.

Health savings account deduction—Can we talk about Obamacare? It’s a disaster. It makes me sick. (Hmm, good one!)

Student loan interest deduction—I went to the best college in America. Ask anyone. Go on, ask them. I can wait.

Domestic production activities deduction—What the fuck is this? Oh, you get it for building things? I used to do that. Never mind.

Other taxable income—I don’t know what gets into the heads of these stupid, foul-smelling foreign leeches, but visiting dignitaries keep bringing me livestock. Don’t they know I live on Fifth Avenue and not in the freakin’ Congo? My accountant says I have to count the 16 goats and 11 oxen as “tip” income. Me, tip income. Really. Okay, you blood suckers–$14,400 (All I know is that when I visit France as president the gift I’m bringing is soap.)

Adjusted gross income–$400,014,400

Nontaxable combat pay election—Yeah it’s real and I’m using it because I took heavy andrewfincoming from Ted Cruz—Lyin’ Ted, I call him Lyin’ Ted ‘cause he lies like a dog, only now he’s more like Cryin’ Ted or Goodbye-in’ Ted. And speaking of combat, which I feel I endured at military school, definitely worse than what most people saw in Nam, I want to remind you I love our vets. And I will take care of our vets, our vets who were never captured, our military school vets, even though I’ve done diddly for them so far, but I will someday, if I can get someone to pay for it. Still, I’m very proud to have made it through military school without getting captured. It was an honor.

Itemized deductions

Landscaping and hair care; mulch; hairspray; shellac; clementine/persimmon Spray Tan–$14,000,000

Briefing papers–$6

Corporate filing fees to pretend Trump Steaks still exists–$1,200

Subscriptions (National Enquirer; Conspiracy; Conspiracy Daily; Conspiracy Weekly; Daily Conspiracy; Conspiracy Monthly; Treachery; INtrigue; Loose Canon; Paranoia: The Conspiracy Reader; Collusion; Plots; You Could Just Plotz; Treason, Perfidy and Sedition Online; The Grassy Knoll; Wingnut Weekly; The Great White Way; Truther Dare, etc.)–$1,800

Endangered Livestock Recovery Act (deduction for caring for rare breed of tailless oxen)–$100,000

Public relations (payments to John Miller; John Barron; Barron Miller; Miller Barron; Baron von Miller; Baron von Barron; Baron, Miller, Barron, Miller, Miller, Barrin and Lefkowitz)–$26,000,000

Ethnic Eviction and Rent Roll Cleansing Services (“You Choose ‘Em, We Lose ‘Em”)–$12,000,000

Acquisition of black friends–$8,450,000

Acquisition of Hispanic friends—(“I love the Hispanics.”)–$9,545,000

Say Hey Asians!–$350,000

Entertainment (Hangin’ with the Homies Night, Taco Bowl Night, Groovin’ with the Greeks, Swingin’ with the Serbs, Czech Mates, The Pole Dance, etc.)–$51,000,000

Legal fees (to defend the good name of Trump University, the second-best school in the United States, if it were open)–$44,000,000

BooksMy Rise and Fall by Benito Mussolini (first half much more enjoyable than second half) and 9-11 Descent Into Tyranny: The New World Order’s Dark Plans to Turn Earth into a Prison Planet by Alex Jones (Jones, who has proven that Michelle Obama is transgender and murdered Joan Rivers to keep her secret, is a master of trenchant understatement)–$38 paid to noted tax-evader and pissant press lord Jeff Bezos, who’s gonna fall like Humpty-Dumpty—with a nice push from Trumpty-Dumpty—mark my words. With me as president the first amendment will be the Second Amendment.

Non-cash charitable contributions (Regifted goats after they were rebranded.)–$4,000,000; Surplus guacamole from Taco Bowl Night–$3,750,000; Eleven surgically-removed oxtails given to Jamaican Cultural Festival in Brooklyn ($55,000, including fee for veterinarian); signed briefing papers to Wharton School ($5,000,000); goat semen to Brigham Young School of Animal Husbandry ($2,000,000; Collecting the semen was an honor. And, may I say, is anyone better than the Mormons? I don’t think so. On Saturday, I always think latter-day.); 396 rounds of golf–$158,400; four rounds of golf given to my pioneering Golfing for Cripples program (I’m so proud to be a part of this wonderful charity, so honored)–$1,600; 12 rounds of golf with me (Oh, gee, what do you think that’s worth? I will take a stab at it and figure each round would come to, say, $16,299,285.17)–$195,591,422.

Cash contributions to charity—Well, you got me. The answer is zippo. A big nothingburger, the proverbial goose egg. Way I see it, I give of myself, which is much more valuable than mere money. Lots of people have money, and there are so many billionaires who will give a sackful of cash just to see their name up in big letters on a building (what’s with that?), but who else can give ME? I transcend cash.

Total deductions–$400,014,400

Taxes paid—In a word, no.

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Andrew Feinberg is the author of Four Score and Seven, a novel that imagines that Abe Lincoln comes back to life for two weeks during the 2016 campaign and encounters a candidate who, some say, resembles Donald Trump (www.missinglincoln.com).

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