It’s ironic, or perhaps it’s utterly fitting, that we kick off Women’s History Month 2016 with an impassioned national conversation about male members.
Yes, the Grand Old Party’s mighty contenders have taken the U.S. presidential debate below the belt, contesting penis size or, more specifically, hand size, which is said to be correlated to penis size, though scientific studies of this anatomical urban legend say otherwise.
Whether or not such measurements are meaningful in matters of governance or one’s lover’s pleasure, the size of Donald Trump’s hands, and more specifically, the shortness of his fingers, have been a major topic of political discussion and media attention, shoving economic issues, perma-war, world affairs, environmental degradation, health care and poverty off the table with one firm slap. Call it a political “bitch slap,” if you will, but here we are, smarting.
Truth be told, if truth is ever told where a Trump is involved, Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter first called the Republican frontrunner a “short-fingered vulgarian” in crafty old Spy Magazine over 20 years ago, apparently cracking Trumpty Dumpty’s eggshell ego, as ever since the remark was made, the disturbed billionaire has regularly sent Carter pictures of his expensively manicured digits encircled in gold Sharpie, with captions like “See, not so short!”.
Little Marco Attacks Trumpty’s Short-Cummings
The exhibitionist finger pix also makes the big Agent Orange-haired hulk fair game for all (not that he ever wasn’t). Last week, desperately trying to attract attention to his own limp and shriveling campaign, Marco Rubio, aka. “Little Marco” (so named by Mr. Short-Fingers) resurrected the meme and used it to attack Trump, the frontrunner you love to hate, the walking squawking poster boy for hypocrisy, greed and brutishness so loathed by Rubio supporters and other Old-Guard Establishment Repubs… even though the GOP has always been the party of hypocrisy, greed and brutishness, just not in such a vulgar short-fingered fashion.
Little Marco was practically drooling as he tossed his meme meat into the gaping maw of the gossip-hungry press: “He (Trump) is like 6’2,” squeaked Little Marco, “which is why I don’t understand why his hands are the size of someone who is 5’2. And you know what they say about men with small hands? You can’t trust them.”
Will this incisive political conclusion cause Trumpty Dumpty to fall off his wall… or at least get egg on his face? Or does it just reveal that Little Marco is a Size Queen?
Republican Sex Therapy
Because there’s something else “they say about men with small hands,” which Trumpty himself spelled out (almost) when he squealed like a smashed egg might, if a smashed egg could squeal. “He hit my hands! Nobody has ever hit my hands. I have never heard of this. Look at those hands. Are they small hands?” Trump practically cried big egg-yolky tears right there on the Motor City Fox Theatre stage.
Then with a mighty effort and a great showing of hands, Trumpty oratorically pushed aside the broken pieces of his shell, pulling his Confidence Man act out of the slimy fetal mess, to boast, “And he referred to my hands, if they are small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there is no problem. I guarantee.”
These “debates” are starting to sound like one of my sex therapy sessions.
Try Penis-Fencing, the Bonobo Way
But the proof is in the pudding or, in this case, the pants. So come on, boys—Trumpty Dumpty and Little Marco, Creepy Ted and the rest—quit talking with your hands (and out your ass), just whip out your weapons, and penis-fence already. You know you want to!
It’s what male bonobos do. And it’s actually not as silly—or “dirty”—as your so-called debates and certainly not as dangerous to the populace as your warmongering, your gun fetish, your military adoration and your romance with bigotry. In fact, the fine art of penis fencing is one reason why bonobos have never been seen killing each other in the wild or captivity. I call it The Bonobo Way of peace through pleasure.
America’s Self-Love Affair with Its Own Dicks
As a sex therapist, I’ve often thought about America’s self-love affair with its own dicks, especially since that ultimate American castration, the cutting down of the quintessentially phallic Twin Towers, Big Dick I and Big Dick II, epitomizing American humiliation in a fiery, fuming emasculation, shown ‘round the world to friends and enemies, over and over again. Maybe I’m just a little cock-crazy myself, because then in 2002, Bush’s threat to invade Iraq, coupled with Saddam’s boasting about the WMD he didn’t have, seemed to me to be just a big “Cockfight in the Baghdad Corral.”
It’s too bad that those two political dickheads didn’t conduct a real cockfight (or better yet, penis-fencing) to solve their differences. Instead, Bush, on the advice of that other dangerous Donald (Rumsfeld), invaded Iraq with a “Bukkake Bombing Crusade” followed by the devastating Anglo-American “Rape of Iraq” from which the Cradle of Civilization still hasn’t recovered. No doubt, penis-fencing—or some form of bonoboësque resource-sharing diplomacy—would be far better for the 99% than all this perma-war. Make sperm wars, not real wars!
In any case, Trumpty’s junk is not going away. He probably won’t accept Larry Flynt’s offer to have his doctors examine it to determine if he’s as “big” a guy as his “guarantee” implies. Though we might look forward to Melania or one of the previous wives making some sort of playful endorsement of the teetering Trump Tower.
Is Bigger Always Better?
That being said, the question remains: Does size matter—in sex or politics? In terms of sex, there are studies that say that women feel penis size matters (such women usually prefer bigger guys for one-night-stands, while opting for smaller sizes for relationships), and then there are studies that say size doesn’t matter to most women. It certainly isn’t required to give a woman an Earth-shattering orgasm, as that usually takes external clitoral touch or perhaps G-spot stimulation. The G-spot being located about an inch or two inside on the roof of the vaginal cave, it is most easily reached with a clever crooked finger, not a big penis.
Nevertheless, many people, most of whom are men, are obsessed with penis size as a *potent* symbol of manhood, in which case it does matter… a lot. And that could deeply and profoundly affect your sexuality, your politics, or just your sense of proportion… especially if you have no sense of humor.
For instance, it has been recently reported that in the land where Trump’s forebears went by the surname “Drumpf” (making him Trumpty Drumpfty?), a certain Adolf Hitler suffered from “a rare condition called penile hypospadias (a birth defect) in which the urethra opens on the underside of the penis.” Not only did hypospadias leave Der Führer with a “micropenis,” but it also caused him to urinate from a hole on the shaft as opposed to the tip. Did genital deformity contribute to Adolf’s genocidal rage and jack-booted fury? Seems likely. But a small or even a deformed penis alone does not Der Fuehrer make. Not every kid who gets bullied on the playground becomes a mass murderer. It’s got a lot to do with attitude.
What’s the attitude of Trumpty Drumpfty (said by ex-wife Ivana to have kept Hitler’s speeches by his bedside, with eerie similarities to his own, as pointed out by Bill Mahr)? Aside from his “Me first, and the hell with everybody else,” point of view, it’s the American credo of capitalism: bigger is better.
Aside from the size of our dicks (which are, internationally speaking, a little below average), in what ways are we bigger, and is it better? America still has the world’s biggest economy, though China is expected to surpass us soon. We also have the biggest Military-Industrial Complex, and the biggest Prison-Industrial Complex, with the most people in prison, many locked up for non-violent crimes. We have massive over-population and an obesity epidemic. These are some ways in which we are bigger. Is that better?
Sometimes, it’s better to be small.
Happy Women’s History Month!