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Do You Really Want to be LinkedIn with Me?

Every couple weeks someone asks me to get LinkedIn with them. I always end up assenting because I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

But I do wonder about you people who think being associated with me is going to help your career.

Did it get past you that I hunger for the death of America? That I want this ugly bitch of a country going down in flames until it’s unrecognizable. That I want the rich people of America howling into the void, screaming how good and right and innocent they are when the time comes to happily mow them down.

Is it cool to touch me with that eleven foot pole? Are you down with this:

America pours itself like a poison into every nook and cranny on the planet, intervening, bribing, bombing, blackmailing, always working for the capitalist parasites, always corrupting and co-opting, always slaughtering the poor, starving them with blockades and sanctions, destroying their homes, turning them into refugees and stealing the resources. The current CEO, Obama, uses Nazis in the Ukraine, death squads in Colombia and Honduras, and takfiri fanatics everywhere to advance the American empire’s interests. His vacuous liberal supporters know all the crazy minutia expounded by Huckabee Hound or some grotesque pig fucker like Chris Christie but they never know about Obama currently murdering thousands of Yemeni civilians by refueling Saudi bombers, providing the Saudis with satellite targeting information and selling them the cluster bombsthat they drop. Those dead Yemeni children are so damned lucky to have Obama kill them instead of a barbarian like Donald Trump!

Now that you’ve brought the subject up, I’ve been thinking about updating my own LinkedIn profile and adding Hassan Nasrallah of Hezbollah and Alexander Zakharchenko of the Donetsk People’s Republic. Thanks for the inspiration! I’ll tell any prospective employer of yours that Hassan recommends you too — may more mind-numbing soul-killing earth-wrecking jobs be upon you!

It’s possible that I’ve been too negative on this “networking” thing. Maybe one of your connections would like to pay me a living wage to write things like this:

Recently, a (married) couple of apparent ISIS lone wolves killed 14 and wounded 22 others in San Bernadino. There’s no way to stop attacks like this except for the American people to rise up (i.e., lie down and go on a work strike) and demand that the US government stop attacking and invading countries across the globe. No amount of gun control or totalitarian surveillance will stop this. The American people should be rioting in the streets because “their” government guarantees that they will be prime targets of hatred and violence in perpetuity, heads should be rolling here but the American people have no class consciousness and are too alienated from each other to unite against the capitalist tapeworms. Nothing makes an impression on them or difference to them. Decade after decade, Americans go blissfully about their iBusy days while, through taxes, they pay for the murder of millions of innocent people in other lands. Americans lead more inauthentic lives than anyone in any nation, they’re the most defeated and inconsequential working class on earth.

Perhaps you have connections in Hollywood. Maybe a studio would like to buy my most recent screenplay — it’s called The Cali-fake.

A Billy Wilder meets Quentin Tarantino farce, The Cali-fake is about 30,000 little shits running ad campaigns for Nike and Toyota in the world’s deserts. Between montages of decapitations, burnings, drownings, electrocutions and human kidney kabobs, they do really weird things like verbally hate on Israel but never attack Israeli interests anywhere in the world. Instead, this roving army for hire attacks the countries and groups that America and America’s allies (Israel, Saudi Arabia, Turkey) can’t defeat. They attack the nationalistic Houthis in Yemen and the nationalistic Taliban in Afghanistan. They attack the secular Assad in Syria. They attack Hezbollah in Lebanon. They fuck with Hamas in Gaza.

The opening scene of The Cali-fake features a 150 pick up truck convoy of masked fighters tweeting their locations, destinations and victories to the world. A whole fuckload of America-hating, head-chopping, organ-eating sadistic crucifiers out in the open, all in plain view of America’s massive satellite surveillance, begging to be bombed by Obomber — but nothing happens. Anti-climax is a part of movie-making too, you know. To the untrained eye this may seem incongruous — maybe even impossible — like two airplanes knocking down three buildings on 9/11 which looked like every controlled demolition that any of us peons had ever seen. But I said it was a farce. (Here’s a Russian lawyer who offers some insight.)

The scene then shifts to the Oval Office where a staffer asks if the Cali-fake’s convoy should be bombed and the President responds:

“No, it would be wrong to violate the sovereignty of another nation.”

“Umm, Mr. President, these are Saudi and Chechen terrorists — in Iraq.”

“Still, there might be collateral damage.”

“Sir, our satellites indicate that two people are about to be married in bumfuck Yemen — what should America do?”

“Are they Houthis?”

“Were not sure. We do need to start being more mindful of our responses because large majorities of people in the Middle East believe that you hate heterosexual marriage.”

“What — are they LGBT bigots?”

“No, it has more to do with how many brides and grooms you’ve killed in drone strikes.”

“Let’s be more mindful some other time, maybe make it a New Year’s resolution. For now, kill them anyway just be safe. Follow up with a reaper strike on the first responders. Funny how life works — I never knew what Houthis were till I started killing them.”

“There’s also a funeral happening in Pakistan.”

“Any militants attending?”

“Well, it’s not clear.”

“Better bomb it just to be safe.”

“Sir, there’s also a shooting in San Bernadino — 14 people have been killed.”

“Get my favorite sad face out of the closet. My handwringing is in the side pocket of my golf bag. Tell Netanyahu to build more settlements and keep treating wounded Al-Qaeda terrorists at the Syrian border with American tax dollars — who says Obamacare isn’t portable, affordable and comprehensive! Tell Saudi Arabia to behead more people, bomb more Iranian embassies, bomb more schools for the blind, bomb more Doctors Without Borders’ hospitals and drop more American-made cluster bombs. Tell Erdogan to use his best judgement about shooting down Russian planes, invading northern Iraq, selling ISIS oil to Israel and sending thousands of fanatics to Europe. To our allies and enemies, make clear America’s great love and admiration for Israel, Saudi Arabia and Turkey! Tell the world that San Bernadino can take one for the team!”

“Sir, the press is reporting that the San Bernadino killers left writings saying that America’s financial, military and moral support of Israel’s 70-year genocide of the Palestinians fueled their attacks — just like Osama Bin Laden mentioned previously — and Ramzi Yousef and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and Mohamed Atta and Sirhan Sirhan and — “

“Nigga, please! Wall Street and West LA money says that this is all so boring, if not anti-semitic, and my presidential library is inclined to agree. Nothing is more un-American than not putting Israel first. Israel is Custer, Israel is Andrew Jackson, Israel is a shining light for most Americans and the America that used to be, Israel is keeping the most important parts of the white Christian dream alive even though they’re Jews — that’s how talented they are, Israel is the model for the future, Israel is —“

“Wow, sir, I haven’t heard you use such soaring rhetoric since you told black males to stop fucking and get jobs awhile back. You still have that old white magic!”

“I am the representative, the embodiment of this deeply racist country and I’m doing a damned good job at it! Why do you think I was put here!”

“Sir, two more things. One: the Israeli prime minister left a message for you to kiss his ass.”

“Ask him if, instead, it would be acceptable to give him three billion more dollars in military aid.”

“Will do. And second: Trump has made some strange statements about pulling out of Syria, being able to work with Putin, raising taxes on the rich and has been critical of the liberation that you and Hillary bestowed on Libya — do we have a response?”

“Release a statement reiterating what a monster he is. Frame it in dignified, acceptable language but change the subject and subtly remind the beggars that we let them fight about god, guns and gays but nothing else.”

“Isn’t it amazing that the media howls when Trump talks racist shit about immigrants but you’ve sent more immigrants back and destroyed more immigrant families than any other president and no one says anything about it?”

“I’m good, I’m damned good. I’m perfectly calibrated to the wants and needs of the people who matter. They’re going to miss me. I’ve done a great job of disarming black political power and the anti-war left but I’ve been very underrated on the job I’ve done on Hispanics. The people who really know me — CIA torturers, spying telecoms, health insurers, Wall Street banks — love me.”

Anyway, that’s the opening of The Cali-fake.

(By the way, I’m currently writing the sequel to The Cali-fake. It’s called Putiny Snicket: A Series of Unfortunate Events. In the first ten minutes, the first moment that America doesn’t get its way in Syria (i.e., Russia bombs ISIS), a series of unfortunate things happen: a Russian passenger jet is bombed and kills 224 people, bombings in Beirut kill 43, attacks in Paris kill 136, Russia presents evidence to the world showing Turkey’s complicity in facilitating ISIS oil sales which the US government ignores, Turkey ambushes a Russian plane which the US government supports, America bombs the Syrian Army, and the US government-controlled IMF rules that Ukraine doesn’t have to pay back Russia three billion dollars. And that’s just the beginning — imagine where this plot could lead! This is 1950s nostalgia, this might even be a Christmas tale: the school children were all snug, hiding under their desks, while visions of mushroom clouds danced in their heads…)

I’m guessing that you probably aren’t able to invest in The Cali-fake since everybody I know is broke. But there must be some investors out there who would like to get in on the vertical ancillaries and the diagonal capillaries of this project. They will, of course, be given a percentage of my back end, if there is one.

Oops, I see I’ve strayed from LinkedIn and ascended heavenward to piss on America again, but this is how boring social media is — I can’t even focus on it long enough to lambaste it.

Anyway, just to pull us all closer together and link us up forever with the NSA, as a closing bonus, I’m announcing the winner of the 2016 presidential election: The winner will be a mass-murdering Lockheed Martin-feeding, Wall Street-loving, civil liberties-hating, Israel ass-licking POS who’s devoted his or her life to making rich people richer (especially themselves) and poor people poorer. The winner will be justifiably hated by tens of millions of Americans of varying political stripes. The winner’s approval rating will be one third of Putin’s but the American media will portray the Russian president as a tyrant, working against his people. Now keep your head down — because “your” own government of totalitarian surveillance and police impunity has made it clear that you’re next — and go back to playing with your gadgets. I just heard that Kim K’s ass became untethered and is knocking over power lines in Brentwood.

Dan De Leon’s office is the 405 and every day there are 300,000 immovable asses surrounding his desk.

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Dan De Leon was once at a vegan picnic in Culver City’s Rancho Park with a dozen other people when the US Secret Service walked up to the picnic table and said the group would have to leave because POTUS was in the area. The agents’ training enabled them to recognize immediately that a bunch of broke-ass vegans were grotesquely out of place.   

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