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Introducing Hil-A-Leve: the Pill that Specifically Targets Nausea Caused by the Clintons

It sounds like the very definition of “wonder drug:” just drop this little lime-green pill, and suddenly you can watch Hillary Clinton on the news without throwing up. Imagine: no nausea–even when she’s droppin’ her g’s for Southern audiences until she sounds like Larry the Cable Guy; promisin’ to “obliterate” Iran while claimin’ to care about children; pretendin’ she’s a champion of wimmin even though she stood by her man, Tammy Wynette-style, when he gutted funds for poor, single mothers.

If clinical trials hold true for the general public, this miracle drug, called Hil-A-Leve, may prove to be the biggest boon to mankind since penicillin.

In its early stages, Clinton Nausea Syndrome is marked by lethargy, cynicism, and projectile vomiting upon watching debates. If unchecked, CNS leads to an ever-deepening ennui, the severe clawing of one’s own skin, and–an especially heartbreaking symptom, because it only worsens the disease–an irrational compulsion to watch MSNBC. (See: Matz, DeGrom, Syndegaard, et al, in The Journal of Neo-Liberal “Psycho” Pharmacology.)

Victims also report a very rare form of dementia in which only one’s moral principles are forgotten. In its later stages, for example, the patient may show marked confusion about the TPP Treaty, and babble utterly contradictory opinions about the Keystone Pipeline. The final stages of CNS are hideous to behold. Victims are known to roll on the floor, compulsively repeating the words “glass ceiling, glass ceiling,” while being unable to remember the simple phrase “Glass-Stegall.”

CNS costs America millions of dollars each year in lost revenue, ravaging not just human bodies but the body politic itself.

The chemistry of Hil-A-Leve is fascinating. It’s a vaccine, synthesized from the blood of those who are, for unknown reasons, completely immune to Clinton Nausea Syndrome: Wall Street bankers, military contractors, and Anderson Cooper.

But if a Clinton-specific wonder drug seems too good to be true–it is. Here’s the bad news: a single Hil-A-Leve pill currently retails for $750–and Administration sources insist it will never be covered by Obamacare. So, to date, it’s only available to .01% percent of us. Still, its mere existence offers hope to the 3,000,000 potential victims in America alone, and billions more around the world–especially in Haiti, Venezuela, and the so-called “Arab countries.”

Caution: not yet proven effective against Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.

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John Eskow is a writer and musician. He wrote or co-wrote the movies Air America, The Mask of Zorro, and Pink Cadillac, as well as the novel Smokestack Lightning. He is a contributor to Killing Trayvons: an Anthology of American Violence. He can be reached at: johneskow@yahoo.com

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