FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

The Skeptik’s Lexicon

by

ABATTOIR, n. A slaughterhouse. An intermediate stage of the industrial meat trade, located somewhere between artificial insemination and coronary heart disease.

ASSIMILATE, v. To yield the better of oneself to the worse in others.

BANSHEE, n. In both Irish and Scottish mythology, a female spirit whose wail is said to herald the imminent demise of a family member, preferably one with money.

As a portent of death, the banshee is now attested to abroad (esp. Indochina, Chile, East Timor, Cyprus, Nicaragua, Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and Syria), and manifests, not as a plaintive feminine howl, but, in the ghostly form of Henry Kissinger.

BEING, n. A state of gradual decay, incurable by pickling.

“Like porous pots of copper,”

Glum Descartes, to the tinker,

Said, “My theories hold no water.

How does this befit a thinker?

“Insipid is my method,

Untrue my bent perception,

And my logic’s iron reason

I find founded in deception.

 

“By God alloyed, my mettle,

Softened by the flame of doubt,

Becomes the image of this kettle

With its bottom melted out.

 

“And so untempered isness

Last permits a final twist;

I’m beside myself, distressed

That I myself may not exist!”

 

Here Descartes the smith espied,

Past a rondeau in his hand,

And gently rapping on its side

Rejoined, “I tink, therefore I am.”

Adamantius Clough

CELEBRITY, n. A chronic symptom in a civilization stricken by terminal decline.

DOCTOR, n. A professional healer who specializes in keeping his patients alive long enough to cure them of that contagious malady money.

ENEMY, n. A military contractor’s most valuable ally.

FLAGELLATE, v. (?)Beats me.

INFANCY, n. That period of early childhood containing the beginning, middle, and end stages of human emotional development.

INSURGENT, n. One who displays an appropriate respect for the august institution of imperialism.

Kaboom! went the bomb, splitting the night,

Shaking the outpost foundation—

Soldiers’ faces turned pale from fright,

Brows furrowed in consternation.

 

Soon came a voice through the public address,

“Stand firm and maintain your station.

It’s merely the sound of the dispossessed

Esteeming our occupation.”

Gen. Lee Knot

MÉNAGE À TROIS, n. A domestic and/or sexual relationship consisting of two people too many.

NARROW HOUSE, n. The grave—tenancy of which we continue to encourage throughout our various colonies.

ZYMURGY, n. The chemistry of fermentation, especially as it applies to the brewing of beer. The eighth art—without which the other seven would be intolerable.

More articles by:

Christopher Washburn, who once studied dactylic pentameter with Rod McKuen in a hot tub seminar at the Esalen Institute, is described by COINTELPRO as someone who is “inept,” “childish,” and “likely to sue.” He can be approached (“discretion advised”) through www.jobspotsherd.com.

November 20, 2017
T.J. Coles
Doomsday Scenarios: the UK’s Hair-Raising Admissions About the Prospect of Nuclear War and Accident
Peter Linebaugh
On the 800th Anniversary of the Charter of the Forest
Patrick Bond
Zimbabwe Witnessing an Elite Transition as Economic Meltdown Looms
Sheldon Richman
Assertions, Facts and CNN
Ben Debney
Plebiscites: Why Stop at One?
LV Filson
Yemen’s Collective Starvation: Where Money Can’t Buy Food, Water or Medicine
Thomas Knapp
Impeachment Theater, 2017 Edition
Binoy Kampmark
Trump in Asia
Curtis FJ Doebbler
COP23: Truth Without Consequences?
Louisa Willcox
Obesity in Bears: Vital and Beautiful
Deborah James
E-Commerce and the WTO
Ann Garrison
Burundi Defies the Imperial Criminal Court: an Interview with John Philpot
Robert Koehler
Trapped in ‘a Man’s World’
Stephen Cooper
Wiping the Stain of Capital Punishment Clean
Weekend Edition
November 17, 2017
Friday - Sunday
Paul Street
Thank an Anti-War Veteran
Andrew Levine
What’s Wrong With Bible Thumpers Nowadays?
Jeffrey St. Clair - Alexander Cockburn
The CIA’s House of Horrors: the Abominable Dr. Gottlieb
Wendy Wolfson – Ken Levy
Why We Need to Take Animal Cruelty Much More Seriously
Mike Whitney
Brennan and Clapper: Elder Statesmen or Serial Fabricators?
David Rosen
Of Sex Abusers and Sex Offenders
Ryan LaMothe
A Christian Nation?
Dave Lindorff
Trump’s Finger on the Button: Why No President Should Have the Authority to Launch Nuclear Weapons
W. T. Whitney
A Bizarre US Pretext for Military Intrusion in South America
Deepak Tripathi
Sex, Lies and Incompetence: Britain’s Ruling Establishment in Crisis 
Howard Lisnoff
Who You’re Likely to Meet (and Not Meet) on a College Campus Today
Roy Morrison
Trump’s Excellent Asian Adventure
John W. Whitehead
Financial Tyranny
Ted Rall
How Society Makes Victimhood a No-Win Proposition
Jim Goodman
Stop Pretending the Estate Tax has Anything to do With Family Farmers
Thomas Klikauer
The Populism of Germany’s New Nazis
Murray Dobbin
Is Trudeau Ready for a Middle East war?
Jeiddy Martínez Armas
Firearm Democracy
Jill Richardson
Washington’s War on Poor Grad Students
Ralph Nader
The Rule of Power Over the Rule of Law
Justin O'Hagan
Capitalism Equals Peace?
Matthew Stevenson
Into Africa: From the Red Sea to Nairobi
Geoff Dutton
The Company We Sadly Keep
Evan Jones
The Censorship of Jacques Sapir, French Dissident
Linn Washington Jr.
Meek Moment Triggers Demands for Justice Reform
Gerry Brown
TPP, Indo Pacific, QUAD: What’s Next to Contain China’s Rise?
Robert Fisk
The Exile of Saad Hariri
Romana Rubeo - Ramzy Baroud
Anti-BDS Laws and Pro-Israeli Parliament: Zionist Hasbara is Winning in Italy
Robert J. Burrowes
Why are Police in the USA so Terrified?
Chuck Collins
Stop Talking About ‘Winners and Losers’ From Corporate Tax Cuts
Ron Jacobs
Private Property Does Not Equal Freedom
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail