FacebookTwitterRedditEmail

The Skeptik’s Lexicon

ABATTOIR, n. A slaughterhouse. An intermediate stage of the industrial meat trade, located somewhere between artificial insemination and coronary heart disease.

ASSIMILATE, v. To yield the better of oneself to the worse in others.

BANSHEE, n. In both Irish and Scottish mythology, a female spirit whose wail is said to herald the imminent demise of a family member, preferably one with money.

As a portent of death, the banshee is now attested to abroad (esp. Indochina, Chile, East Timor, Cyprus, Nicaragua, Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and Syria), and manifests, not as a plaintive feminine howl, but, in the ghostly form of Henry Kissinger.

BEING, n. A state of gradual decay, incurable by pickling.

“Like porous pots of copper,”

Glum Descartes, to the tinker,

Said, “My theories hold no water.

How does this befit a thinker?

“Insipid is my method,

Untrue my bent perception,

And my logic’s iron reason

I find founded in deception.

 

“By God alloyed, my mettle,

Softened by the flame of doubt,

Becomes the image of this kettle

With its bottom melted out.

 

“And so untempered isness

Last permits a final twist;

I’m beside myself, distressed

That I myself may not exist!”

 

Here Descartes the smith espied,

Past a rondeau in his hand,

And gently rapping on its side

Rejoined, “I tink, therefore I am.”

Adamantius Clough

CELEBRITY, n. A chronic symptom in a civilization stricken by terminal decline.

DOCTOR, n. A professional healer who specializes in keeping his patients alive long enough to cure them of that contagious malady money.

ENEMY, n. A military contractor’s most valuable ally.

FLAGELLATE, v. (?)Beats me.

INFANCY, n. That period of early childhood containing the beginning, middle, and end stages of human emotional development.

INSURGENT, n. One who displays an appropriate respect for the august institution of imperialism.

Kaboom! went the bomb, splitting the night,

Shaking the outpost foundation—

Soldiers’ faces turned pale from fright,

Brows furrowed in consternation.

 

Soon came a voice through the public address,

“Stand firm and maintain your station.

It’s merely the sound of the dispossessed

Esteeming our occupation.”

Gen. Lee Knot

MÉNAGE À TROIS, n. A domestic and/or sexual relationship consisting of two people too many.

NARROW HOUSE, n. The grave—tenancy of which we continue to encourage throughout our various colonies.

ZYMURGY, n. The chemistry of fermentation, especially as it applies to the brewing of beer. The eighth art—without which the other seven would be intolerable.

More articles by:

Christopher Washburn, who once studied dactylic pentameter with Rod McKuen in a hot tub seminar at the Esalen Institute, is described by COINTELPRO as someone who is “inept,” “childish,” and “likely to sue.” He can be approached (“discretion advised”) through www.jobspotsherd.com.

August 06, 2020
H. Bruce Franklin
How the Fascists Won World War II
Robert Jacobs – Ran Zwigenberg
The American Narrative of Hiroshima is a Statue that Must be Toppled
Howie Hawkins - Madelyn Hoffman
Reverse the New Nuclear Arms Race
Brian Kelly
Ireland and Slavery: Debating the ‘Irish Slaves Myth’
Talli Nauman
Native Americans Win Historic Victories in U.S. High Court Rulings
David Mattson
“Man Attacks Grizzly” and Other Leading Bleeding Stories
Jack Rasmus
US GDP Collapses and Economic Rebound Fades
John Kendall Hawkins
Suffrage: The Myth of Sisterphus
George Ochenski
An Unbelievably Disastrous State of Affairs
George Wuerthner
Trouble in Paradise Valley
Binoy Kampmark
State of Pandemic Disaster: Melbourne Moves to Stage Four
Howard Lisnoff
The ACLU Has Never Done a Damn Thing for Me
Priyanka Singh – Sujeet Singh
Time to Empower the Invisibles: India Awaits a Mental Health Revolution
CounterPunch News Service
Conservationists to Federal Agencies: Restore Protections for Imperiled Wildlife in the Flathead National Forest
August 05, 2020
Roy Eidelson
Black Lives Matter: Resisting the Propaganda of Status Quo Defenders
Melvin Goodman
The Department of Homeland Security: the Ideal Authoritarian Tool
Paul Street
Misleaders at a Funeral: Bill Clinton and Barack Obama Eulogizing Racial Justice in the Name of John Lewis
Seiji Yamada
Hiroshima, Technique, and Bioweapons
Vijay Prashad
How Trump Managed to Lead the World with the Worst Response to the COVID Pandemic
Richard C. Gross
Trump’s Alternative
Jonas Ecke
The Worst Hunger Season Yet to Come: Global Moral Failure in the Time of Covid-19
Rafiq Kathwari
The Battle for Kashmir
Kenneth Surin
Malaysia’s Arch-Kleptocrat is Found Guilty
Medea Benjamin - Nicolas J. S. Davies
U.S. Cold War China Policy Will Isolate the U.S, Not China
Lee Camp
Why Housing Is a Human Right
Sam Pizzigati
For Egalitarians, a Sudden Sense of Possibility
Jonathan Cook
Can Israelis Broaden Their Protests Beyond Netanyahu?
Thomas Knapp
Ten Years After Lieberman’s “Internet Kill Switch,” the War on Freedom Rages On
Binoy Kampmark
Staying on Message: Australia, the US and the AUSMIN Talks
Elliot Sperber
The View From Saturn 
August 04, 2020
John Pilger
Another Hiroshima is Coming…Unless We Stop It Now
Dave Lindorff
Unsung Heroes of Los Alamos: Rethinking Manhattan Project Spies and the Cold War
Kenneth Good
Escalating State Repression and Covid-19: Their Impact on the Poor in Kenya
Dean Baker
We Need an Economic Survival Package Not Another Stimulus
David Rosen
Globalization and the End of the American Dream
John Feffer
The Pandemic Reveals a Europe More United Than the United States
Patrick Cockburn
The Government’s Failed Track-and-Trace System is a Disaster for England
Ramzy Baroud
‘Optimism of the Will’: Palestinian Freedom is Possible Now
CounterPunch News Service
Statement From Yale Faculty on Hydroxychloroquine and Its Use in COVID-19
Manuel García, Jr.
Ocean Heat: From the Tropics to the Poles
Sonali Kolhatkar
Why the Idea of Jobless Benefits Scares the Conservative Mind
Greta Anderson
Framing Wolves in New Mexico?
Binoy Kampmark
Pulling Out of Germany: Trump Adjusts the Military Furniture
Shawn Fremstad – Nicole Rodgers
COVID Stimulus Checks Shouldn’t Penalize One-Parent Households
Adam Shah
The 1 Percent’s Attack on Unemployment Benefits is a Sign of Our Broken Democracy
FacebookTwitterRedditEmail