FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Tase That Tot!

In a recent poll of police chiefs in cities across the United States, a full 95% “very strongly agreed” with the proposed policy of police officers using tasers to control toddlers having temper tantrums. (Polling conducted by Alliterative, Fallacious Polling, Inc., margin of error, +/- 100%.) The chiefs, who all refused to be identified by name for this article, pointed to an “uppity citizenry” who need to be “intimidated, physically abused, and irretrievably traumatized into cowering submission” as their justification.

Rank and file officers agree. “I mean, just look at what happened to me last year,” said an officer who was at the scene of the tasering of an 8-year old child in South Dakota. “It was terrifying,” continued the officer. “I can’t believe it: I just found out the family is now suing. I mean, what would you have done in our shoes? It was four adult, armed police officers versus an 8-year-old girl wielding a paring knife, for chrissakes. We called the SWAT Team for back up, but they were at the local retirement home extricating a domino from the hands of a 96-year-old, severely arthritic woman who refused to play her turn in a game of dominos. She has done this more than once and her pattern of dissension had to be stopped. This is yet another example of why we need to apply brutal police force early in people’s lives so it never escalates to this point.” The officer requested not to be identified for fear the little South Dakota girl’s friends would ride their bicycles to his home and throw Legos and Barbie clothes at him in retribution.

When asked about the growing practice of police officers dressing in military garb creating an “us vs. them,” citizens-as-the-enemy atmosphere, one police chief stated, “Pffft, you think we’re gonna go out there and ‘protect and serve’? You want us to ‘relate’ to the people, hear their concerns, and maybe think about how our militarized tactics trigger survival instincts to counter our attacks? I know there are some pansy cops like that out there, but not on my team! What are we, a bunch of flippin’ Andy Griffiths doing ‘good’ for the people?”

“Obama being president has given these young black guys ideas,” chimed in another officer. The Ferguson police department has it right. Racial profiling is smart, efficient policing. Sometimes you have to use deadly force on unarmed citizens. Our department’s policy is to shoot first. Asking questions is for psychotherapists and needy wives. Police forces with tanks and submachine guns and concussion grenades don’t need to ask questions.”

An off duty patrol cop being interviewed at a local burger joint who was busily trying to propel a cheeseburger through a slit in his riot helmet said, “Did you see that USA Today article? It reported, per an FBI report, that in the US nearly two times a week a white police officer killed a black person during a seven-year period ending in 2012. And those are just the killings reported, and who knows about the supposed ‘unjustifiable’ ones? Only two-plus killings a week? We seriously need to up our game.”

Betting on the effectiveness of early subjugation, toddler tasing has already been implemented in one police department. The self-described “politically correct ” police chief who spearheaded the effort said, “We are proud of our Toddler Tasing Initiative. Damn proud. Getting citizens to habituate to the egregious overuse of police force can never start too early.  Of course, we haven’t tased white toddlers from any wealthy families, only toddlers of color and from poor families. But, I want people to hear loud and clear that we do not discriminate. Regardless of skin color or socioeconomic status, if your child is having a temper tantrum, don’t hesitate to call us and we will come out and taser him or her for you. It’s what we’re here for. It’s part of our community policing duties,” he said, waving his taser in the air and presumably smiling, though it was hard for this reporter to discern his facial features because of his camo face paint.

“Is the current trend of ‘out of control, militarized use of force by police officers’ justified?” said a new police recruit training officer, laughing and making air quotes. “We don’t need to justify a damn thing we do. Ever. This is the United States of America.”

Carol Norris is a freelance writer and satirist, psychotherapist, and long-time political activist. 

More articles by:

Carol Norris is a psychotherapist, freelance writer, and longtime political activist.

December 12, 2018
Arshad Khan
War, Anniversaries and Lessons Never Learned
Paul Street
Blacking Out the Yellow Vests on Cable News: Corporate Media Doing its Job
Kenneth Surin
The Brexit Shambles Rambles On
David Schultz
Stacking the Deck Against Democracy in Wisconsin
Steve Early
The Housing Affordability Crisis and What Millennials Can do About It
George Ochenski
Collaboration Failure: Trump Trashes Sage Grouse Protections
Rob Seimetz
Bringing a Life Into a Dying World: A Letter From a Father to His Unborn Son
Michael Howard
PETA and the ‘S’-Word
John Kendall Hawkins
Good Panopt, Bad Panopt: Does It Make A Difference?
Kim C. Domenico
Redeeming Utopia: a Meditation On An Essay by Ursula LeGuin
Binoy Kampmark
Exhuming Franco: Spain’s Immemorial Divisions
ADRIAN KUZMINSKI
Democratizing Money
Laura Finley
Congress Must Reauthorize VAWA
December 11, 2018
Eric Draitser
AFRICOM: A Neocolonial Occupation Force?
Sheldon Richman
War Over Ukraine?
Louis Proyect
Why World War II, Not the New Deal, Ended the Great Depression
Howard Lisnoff
Police Violence and Mass Policing in the U.S.
Mark Ashwill
A “Patriotic” Education Study Abroad Program in Viet Nam: God Bless America, Right or Wrong!
Laura Flanders
HUD Official to Move into Public Housing?
Nino Pagliccia
Resistance is Not Terrorism
Matthew Johnson
See No Evil, See No Good: The Truth Is Not Black and White
Maria Paez Victor
How Reuters Slandered Venezuela’s Social Benefits Card
December 10, 2018
Jacques R. Pauwels
Foreign Interventions in Revolutionary Russia
Richard Klin
The Disasters of War
Katie Fite
Rebranding Bundy
Gary Olson
A Few Thoughts on Politics and Personal Identity
Patrick Cockburn
Brexit Britain’s Crisis of Self-Confidence Will Only End in Tears and Rising Nationalism
Andrew Moss
Undocumented Citizen
Dean Baker
Trump and China: Going With Patent Holders Against Workers
Lawrence Wittner
Reviving the Nuclear Disarmament Movement: a Practical Proposal
Dan Siegel
Thoughts on the 2018 Elections and Beyond
Thomas Knapp
Election 2020: I Can Smell the Dumpster Fires Already
Weekend Edition
December 07, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Steve Hendricks
What If We Just Buy Off Big Fossil Fuel? A Novel Plan to Mitigate the Climate Calamity
Jeffrey St. Clair
Cancer as Weapon: Poppy Bush’s Radioactive War on Iraq
Paul Street
The McCain and Bush Death Tours: Establishment Rituals in How to be a Proper Ruler
Jason Hirthler
Laws of the Jungle: The Free Market and the Continuity of Change
Ajamu Baraka
The Universal Declaration of Human Rights at 70: Time to De-Colonize Human Rights!
Andrew Levine
Thoughts on Strategy for a Left Opposition
Jennifer Matsui
Dead of Night Redux: A Zombie Rises, A Spook Falls
Rob Urie
Degrowth: Toward a Green Revolution
Binoy Kampmark
The Bomb that Did Not Detonate: Julian Assange, Manafort and The Guardian
Robert Hunziker
The Deathly Insect Dilemma
Robert Fisk
Spare Me the American Tears for the Murder of Jamal Khashoggi
Joseph Natoli
Tribal Justice
Ron Jacobs
Getting Pushed Off the Capitalist Cliff
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail