FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Occupation: Sperm Donor

Society used to get married, have kids, and then, happy or not, stay married their entire lives rather than suffer the stigma of divorce. Then society gradually began getting divorced without the fear of stigma, which was liberating. But despite this liberalization, kids born out of wedlock continued to be stigmatized. Being born out of wedlock was still pretty much frowned upon. In fact, we called these offspring “bastards.”

But, thankfully, all that has changed. Today there are not only no stigmas or labels or penalties or bastards, there is a growing number of women who’ve made the decision to become mothers but who don’t want to get married, and don’t want, as it were, to take a pig in a poke when it comes to their child. And in this technological age, who can blame them?

These discerning women are simply no longer willing to take a chance on the unreliable eggs of either a husband or lover. What they’re interested in is a “sure thing.” Accordingly, egg-wise, what they seek is the sperm of (1) a gifted artist (musician, painter or writer), or (2) a superior athlete, or (3) a certified genius (a man with an I.Q. of 140 or higher).

This is where professional sperm donors come in. The case can be made that an ambitious man who vaguely conforms to any one of these three categories could store his sperm in a hermetically-sealed mayonnaise jar and make a decent living parceling it out on E-Bay. And we’re not talking about a few bucks here. We’re talking about several thousand dollars per dose.

There’s a growing number of women out there who are looking for accomplished men to father their children. This is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. After all, which would you rather be the mother of—a certified genius or gifted athlete, or a fry cook? And if these women aren’t fortunate enough to marry or shack up with an accomplished man, the next best thing is to be fertilized by one.

Consider the athlete: As for being genetically superior, the donor wouldn’t have to be a world-class specimen—a Magic Johnson or Larry Bird—in order to peddle his sperm. He could be a former Division I college star who, due to bad luck or injury, failed to make it in the pro ranks. All he would have to do to establish his athletic creds is exhibit his newspaper clippings and ESPN videos.

The same with genius. This man doesn’t have to be Noam Chomsky or Stephen Hawking. Indeed, he could be a brilliant under-achiever, an eccentric iconoclast who dropped out of MIT to start a tattoo parlor, but who has the certifiable (and biologically transferable) brain chemistry of the top one-percentile. All this fellow needs to do is show evidence of a genius-level I.Q., and E-Bay will do the rest.

When one considers the number of really smart people out there who, for whatever reason, are locked into unworthy or dead-end jobs—or the over-abundance of Ph.D. holders who can’t find a decent job in today’s stunted economy—the virtues of this sperm donor racket should be immediately obvious.

Moreover, this enterprise could apply to gifted retirees as well. Donating eggs would be a wonderful, low-maintenance means of augmenting one’s pension. Old sperm may not be quite as desirable as young sperm, but clearly, as Clint Eastwood has proven, it can still get the job done.

As for the artist’s genes, there was a news story a while back announcing that a celebrity singer had decided to impregnate herself with the sperm of a rock star. Even with his long history of drug addiction, this union would be like Picasso mating with Georgia O’Keefe. Just imagine how creative their offspring will be! Ah, romance.

David Macaray, an LA playwright and author (“It’s Never Been Easy: Essays on Modern Labor”), was a former union rep. He can be reached at dmacaray@earthlink.net

More articles by:

David Macaray is a playwright and author. His newest book is How To Win Friends and Avoid Sacred Cows.  He can be reached at dmacaray@gmail.com

September 26, 2018
Jonathan Cook
Time to Wake Up: the Neoliberal Order is Dying 
David J. Detmer
History Distorted: Sam Wineburg’s Critique of Howard Zinn
Robert Hunziker
An Unforeseen Climate Beast Awakens!
Barbara Nimri Aziz
How Many More Women Are There?
Jörg Wiegratz
The Age of Fraud: the Link Between Capitalism and Profiteering by Deception
John Kendall Hawkins
Now There’s a Wall Between Us, Something There’s Been Lost…
William Kaufman
Brett Kavanaugh’s Wayward Penis: A New Twist
Michael Welton
A Wake-Up Call to the Canadian Left
Patrick Irelan
Brett Goes to School 
Kevin Zeese - Margaret Flowers
All Wars Are Illegal, Let’s Act!
Dean Baker
Robots, China and the Failure of Economics Reporters
Matthew Johnson
Cancel Kavanaugh
Rohullah Naderi – Rustam Ali Seerat
The Option of Self-Defense for Hazaras
September 25, 2018
Kenneth Surin
Fact-Finding Labour’s “Anti-Semitism” Crisis
Charles Pierson
Destroying Yemen as Humanely as Possible
James Rothenberg
Why Not Socialism?
Patrick Cockburn
How Putin Came Out on Top in Syria
John Grant
“Awesome Uncontrollable Male Passion” Meets Its Match
Guy Horton
Burma: Complicity With Evil?
Steve Stallone
Jujitsu Comms
William Blum
Bombing Libya: the Origins of Europe’s Immigration Crisis
John Feffer
There’s a New Crash Coming
Martha Pskowski
“The Emergency Isn’t Over”: the Homeless Commemorate a Year Since the Mexico City Earthquake
Fred Baumgarten
Ten Ways of Looking at Civility
Dean Baker
The Great Financial Crisis: Bernanke and the Bubble
Binoy Kampmark
Parasitic and Irrelevant: The University Vice Chancellor
September 24, 2018
Jonathan Cook
Hiding in Plain Sight: Why We Cannot See the System Destroying Us
Gary Leupp
All the Good News (Ignored by the Trump-Obsessed Media)
Robert Fisk
I Don’t See How a Palestinian State Can Ever Happen
Barry Brown
Pot as Political Speech
Lara Merling
Puerto Rico’s Colonial Legacy and Its Continuing Economic Troubles
Patrick Cockburn
Iraq’s Prime Ministers Come and Go, But the Stalemate Remains
William Blum
The New Iraq WMD: Russian Interference in US Elections
Julian Vigo
The UK’s Snoopers’ Charter Has Been Dealt a Serious Blow
Joseph Matten
Why Did Global Economic Performance Deteriorate in the 1970s?
Zhivko Illeieff
The Millennial Label: Distinguishing Facts from Fiction
Thomas Hon Wing Polin – Gerry Brown
Xinjiang : The New Great Game
Binoy Kampmark
Casting Kavanaugh: The Trump Supreme Court Drama
Max Wilbert
Blue Angels: the Naked Face of Empire
Weekend Edition
September 21, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Alexandra Isfahani-Hammond
Hurricane Florence and 9.7 Million Pigs
Andrew Levine
Israel’s Anti-Semitism Smear Campaign
Paul Street
Laquan McDonald is Being Tried for His Own Racist Murder
Brad Evans
What Does It Mean to Celebrate International Peace Day?
Nick Pemberton
With or Without Kavanaugh, The United States Is Anti-Choice
Jim Kavanagh
“Taxpayer Money” Threatens Medicare-for-All (And Every Other Social Program)
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail