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A Business Proposal for the NSA

by SANFORD KELSON

Keith B. Alexander

Director, NSA

9800 Savage Road

Ft. Meade MD 20755

 

Dear Mr. Alexander:

I am a veteran of the US Army, a loyal and patriotic citizen. I have a business proposal for NSA. Let me explain:

I am an avid fisherman and have always wanted to become a great fishing guide. I have caught many nice fish and may even be an above average fisherman but I am not consistently successful, a must for a  fishing guide.  The reason I am not regularly successful is that 90% of the fish are usually in 10% of the water and I have a really hard time finding them in that 10% with all that other water out there. (Kind of like finding al Qaeda).

I have read about the Prism revelation by  Snowden and the subsequent disclosure of XKeyscore. Wow, you guys sure know everything. I am impressed. Well this brings me to my business proposal.

I want to contract with NSA. The proposed deal is that NSA will funnel me information on a daily basis about where the fish are located.  I know you know. With this information, I will become the most famous and successful fishing guide of all time. In return, I will furnish high level NSA personnel with fresh fish flown-in on ice to NSA headquarters on a daily basis. The fish will be properly cleaned and ready to cook. (Not unlike the victims of extraordinary rendition are delivered but, of course, not to your headquarters).

The daily shipment is another issue we need to agree upon. I am sure, even though NSA and the CIA are jealous of one another and do not co-operate very well, to the detriment of the American people, that with your personal intervention, the CIA would agree to do these daily fly-ins. Maybe there are still remnants of Air America around that can be tapped for the job?  Maybe I’d have to supply top CIA officials with fresh fish on a daily basis too, for this small task? If so, no problem.

This brings me to another thought. Since fish can relocate from one 10% area to another 10% area almost instantaneously, could you get the CIA, you know, for cutting it in on the deal, to fly a drone overhead wherever I am guiding to keep an eye on those sly slimy fish to advise me in real time if they begin to relocate and, if so, to where?

My agent said that since NSA knows everything that you know I, as a successful fishing guide, would eventually write books and star in documentaries about fishing and you would want a cut on the royalties. No problem. But let’s keep this part of the deal between NSA and me and not involve the CIA.

If you are worried about the legalities of such a transaction maybe you could consult with George W. Bush’s ex-lawyers (especially that Jonathan Yoo, he is a clever one indeed, finding torture to be legal to give W cover.) The lawyer will give you an alleged lawful basis for proceeding with this proposal. And listen, even if we get caught by some of those principled pesky Congress members, the few that there are, you have experience with lying and getting away with it. So, no problem. I know you know.

Well, of course, as you certainly must know, because you know everything, I am anxious to hear back from you. Please do not delay. You probably knew what I was going to propose before I even typed this letter to you. If not then, you certainly must have known simultaneously with my typing this letter to you on my computer. So you must know by the time you receive this letter, without even needing to bother reading it, whether you want to do this deal. As W once said, Let’s Roll!

Sincerely,

/s/ Sanford Kelson

P.S. By the way, have you been able to intercept communications to Earth from God? If so, what’s the real story about this religion stuff? I figure there must not be much to it based upon the kind of behavior you and your co-conspirators engage in. Certainly you know that that kind of behavior would land you all in Hell. Hey, wait a minute, you are not thinking about doing in God, are you? SK

Sanford Kelson is a lawyer in Pennsylvania.

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Sanford Kelson is an attorney in Pennsylvania.

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