FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Big Brother Can be Your Friend!

by DOUGLAS VALENTINE

For aging radicals from the Vietnam War generation, like me, the NSA is not all bad.

My own case agent Nadeen is very helpful.  Just today I was at Staples getting a keyboard with a cord to replace the Bluetooth keyboard that is always crapping out on me.   Nadeen knows all about this stuff.   He worked for a while at Dell Tech for a year, then got a job this summer interning at the NSA.  (I think his brother works for the CIA out near the Afghan border, but don’t tell.)

I was punching in my pin number for the damn thing, and I know I got it wrong.  Sometimes my old arthritic fingers just can’t reach into the inner recesses of those little machines.  Anyway, Nadeen saw the whole thing unfold on the security camera, and of course he was there in real time monitoring the transaction, and corrected it.

For him it’s easy, but the kid at the counter was, like, totally impressed.  That’s awesome, dude, he said.

Yeah, I said, the CIA watched me for over 25 years  but was never able to pull off something like this.

Things have vastly improved since the NSA took over.  As Nadeen explained one day, my CIA case officer recently retired and, as part of a recent government reorganization brought about by the Snowden flap, my account passed to the NSA.  Nadeen is standing in for my regular NSA “guardian” while he’s at the Cape.

Nadeen is a godsend.  Last week my wife and I took a drive out to see Richard II at the summer Shakespeare festival in Lenox.  We get a ticket when we get on the Mass Pike, and a receipt when we pay at our exit.

I get the ticket and the tattooed kid in the toll booth gives me a big smile and says, you gotta read this.  On the receipt is a note from Nadeen reminding me I have an oil change in 50 miles and, more importantly, I gotta get my car inspected before the end of the month.

It’s like having a memory again, and fingers that work.  And I just gotta say, all you people criticizing the NSA, you just haven’t seen it’s good side.  Big Brother can be your friend.

These kids at the NSA, they can even tell whether you break the speed limit once you get on a toll highway.  Not that they’d ever report an old fart like me.  They just turn in the guys driving Porsches, I’m told.  Nadeen says he can even add a zero in my bank account.  If they like you, they do that kind of stuff.

It’s amazing what they can do.  Change the history in your personal computer.  Add some photos, touch them up, get rid of the wrinkles, so your friends Facebook can see you at your best.

I get tired, so just one more example.  I get an email from my wife this morning reminding me that we’re low on booze.  I’m at the liquor store later this morning, stocking up on imported beers.   Belgium ales.  The fancy Scottish brands.  It’s my one luxury in life.  I’m checking out when the old girl at the counter stops and winks and says, “You forgot your wife’s Pinot Grigio.”

You wonder, how does Nadeen know this stuff?  Emails, of course.  The guy even corrects my spelling and edits out the angry expletives when I’m talking to my betters.

So cut the NSA some slack, please.  The NSA is part of our trillion dollar a year military machine.  It’s here for our protection.  Like the cops, it’s here to protect and serve.

Especially post-war baby boomers.  We will learn to rely on it, once those guys driving Porsches confiscate our pensions and Social Security.

Doug Valentine is the author of five books, including The Phoenix Program.  See www.douglasvalentine.com or write to him at dougvalentine77@gmail.com

 

More articles by:

CounterPunch Magazine

minimag-edit

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

zen economics

June 22, 2017
Ken Levy
Sorry, But It’s Entirely the Right’s Fault
Jason Hirthler
Invisible Empire Beneath the Radar, Above Suspicion
John Laforge
Fukushima’s Radiation Will Poison Food “for Decades,” Study Finds
Ann Garrison
Jeremy Corbyn, the Labour Party, and the UK’s Socialist Surge
Phillip Doe
Big Oil in the Rocky Mountain State: the Overwhelming Tawdriness of Government in Colorado
Howard Lisnoff
The Spiritual Death of Ongoing War
Stephen Cooper
Civilized, Constitution-Loving Californians Will Continue Capital Punishment Fight
Bruno Rodríguez Parrilla
Cuba Will Not Bow to Trump’s Threats
Ramzy Baroud
Israel vs. the United Nations: The Nikki Haley Doctrine
Tyler Wilch
The Political Theology of US Drone Warfare
Colin Todhunter
A Grain of Truth: RCEP and the Corporate Hijack of Indian Agriculture
Robert Koehler
When the Detainee is American…
Jeff Berg
Our No Trump Contract
Faiza Shaheen
London Fire Fuels Movement to Challenge Inequality in UK
Rob Seimetz
Sorry I Am Not Sorry: A Letter From Millennials to Baby Boomers
June 21, 2017
Jim Kavanagh
Resist This: the United States is at War With Syria
James Ridgeway
Good Agent, Bad Agent: Robert Mueller and 9-11
Diana Johnstone
The Single Party French State … as the Majority of Voters Abstain
Ted Rall
Democrats Want to Lose the 2020 Election
Kathy Kelly
“Would You Like a Drink of Water?” Please Ask a Yemeni Child
Russell Mokhiber
Sen. Joe Manchin Says “No” to Single-Payer, While Lindsay Graham Floats Single-Payer for Sick People
Ralph Nader
Closing Democracy’s Doors Until the People Open Them
Binoy Kampmark
Barclays in Hot Water: The Qatar Connection
Jesse Jackson
Trump Ratchets Up the Use of Guns, Bombs, Troops, and Insults
N.D. Jayaprakash
No More Con Games: Abolish Nuclear Weapons Now! (Part Four)
David Busch
The Kingdom of Pence–and His League of Flaming Demons–is Upon Us
Stephen Cooper
How John Steinbeck’s “In Dubious Battle” Helps Us Navigate Social Discord
Madis Senner
The Roots of America’s Identity and Our Political Divide are Buried Deep in the Land
June 20, 2017
Ajamu Baraka
The Body Count Rises in the U.S. War Against Black People
Gary Leupp
Russia’s Calm, But Firm, Response to the US Shooting Down a Syrian Fighter Jet
Maxim Nikolenko
Beating Oliver Stone: the Media’s Spin on the Putin Interviews
Michael J. Sainato
Philando Castile and the Self Righteous Cloak of White Privilege
John W. Whitehead
The Militarized Police State Opens Fire
Peter Crowley
The Groundhog Days of Terrorism
Norman Solomon
Behind the Media Surge Against Bernie Sanders
Pauline Murphy
Friedrich Engels: a Tourist In Ireland
David Swanson
The Unifying Force of War Abolition
Louisa Willcox
Senators Bernie Sanders, Cory Booker, Tom Udall Back Tribes in Grizzly Fight
John Stanton
Mass Incarceration, Prison Labor in the United States
Robert Fisk
Did Trump Denounce Qatar Over Failed Business Deals?
Medea Benjamin
America Will Regret Helping Saudi Arabia Bomb Yemen
Brian Addison
Los Angeles County Data Shows Startling Surge in Youth, Latino Homelessness
Native News Online
Betraying Indian Country: How Grizzly Delisting Exposes Trump and Zinke’s Assault on Tribal Sovereignty and Treaty Rights
Stephen Martin
A Tragic Inferno in London Reflects the Terrorism of the Global Free Market
Debadityo Sinha
Think Like a River
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail