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Kim Kardashian and the Fiscal Cliff

Celebrity hog, Kim Kardashian, startled the world on Sunday night by announcing that she is pregnant.

This news—of more interest to most Americans than the fiscal cliff—has surprised the nation because no Kardashian has ever been pregnant before (including Kim’s mother).

“I haven’t had any morning sickness,” Kim observed, implying that becoming a mother will be a snap.  No problem.  She’s going to love breast feeding, changing diapers and getting up in the middle of the night innumerable times.  She’s going to love taking care of her child, not going out partying until the wee hours.  She’s ecstatic about losing her shape, about her complexion losing its shine.

And just think, if the baby is a girl, Kim can dress her exactly like herself, enter her in baby beauty contests, have her incorporated and continue the franchise of vacuousness into the next generation.  The baby—we’ll call her Kim, Jr.—will be able to emulate all of her mother’s amazing talents for grabbing attention, dominating the media, and living well as a role model for the millions and millions of her mother’s followers who would rather be Kim Kardashian than be themselves.

Though Kanye West, the alleged father, has already pontificated about the pregnancy (“Make some noise for the baby mama!”), Donald Trump was overheard whispering to Mitch McConnell, “It can’t have been that West creep.  I can assure you about that.”

Others are convinced that Kim’s state—if true—is more likely the world’s second Immaculate Conception.  If proven to be true (that Kim, Sr., is in fact a virgin) the bankable proceeds from the Kardashian franchise will be enormous, incalculable.

What a stupendous achievement this will be for her, adding to her many accomplishments as Rhodes Scholar, Nobel Prize winner, and high school graduate.

After Kim announced her pregnancy Sunday night on Twatter, the site crashed for several hours because of her billions of fans, hurrying to read the details immediately after they learned of this New Year’s miracle.

Charles R. Larson—CounterPunch’s resident curmudgeon—has been following Kim Kardashian’s astronomical career for several days.

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Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C. Email = clarson@american.edu. Twitter @LarsonChuck.

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