FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Goodies for the Unmentionables

In a conference call with his donors, defeated Republican candidate Mitt Romney was heard saying that his opponent, Barack Obama, was observed the weekend before the election playing Santa Claus, “giving gifts to the 47 per centers.”

“He spent the entire weekend handing out gifts to the free-loaders in this country who don’t work—have no work ethic—and expect nothing but hand-outs from their government.  I swore never to do anything so despicable if elected President of this great country, but Obama not only reinforced these ne’er-do-wells by giving them gifts but, in the process, caught us totally off guard.  I would have won the election had it not been for these gifts.”

Sheldon Adelson interrupted Romney and reminded Romney that the President is black, asking “Wouldn’t it be rather difficult for him to look like Santa Claus?”

Romney replied, “Well, he did it in white face, and that’s no surprise since he’s always trying to be one of us.  But even a black-faced Santa Claus would have no difficulty being accepted by some of our greedy minorities.”

Romney continued after David Koch asked him to identify the specific gifts.  Koch added, “We need to know exactly what these gifts are in order to corner the market on them before the next election.”

Romney responded.  “Well, we can see what they are, because we’ve captured it on video.  In African-American communities, it’s mostly chitlins and pig’s feet, sometimes with collard greens and corn bread thrown in.

“But it Latino areas, it’s tortillas and tamales—and lots of sopaipillas, but sometimes it’s tortillas presses, for the woman, and tequila for the men, the voters he most wants to bribe.”

“What about the young people who voted for him?”  The identity of the questioner is not clear.

“Well, this is the worst thing of all.  It’s regrettably about sex.  So it’s birth control pills for the girls and prophylactics for the boys, and sometimes other sex toys.”

Someone else asks him, “What about all the women voters?”

“That’s what’s so surprising here,” Romney responds.  “We can’t find any image on that tape showing Obama playing Santa Claus with adult white women.  There’s obviously a reason why they voted for him, but so far we haven’t be able to figure that out.”

Adelson asks another question.  “Isn’t this rather preposterous, Mitt?  How does one person hand out so much stuff the weekend before the election?”

“How does Santa Claus deliver gifts to every child in the world the night before Christmas?”

An audible groan is heard from one of Romney’s donors, who mutters, “So that’s where our higher taxes will go—more goodies for these unmentionables.”

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C.  Email: clarson@american.edu.

More articles by:

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C. Email = clarson@american.edu. Twitter @LarsonChuck.

August 14, 2018
Daniel Falcone
On Taking on the Mobilized Capitalist Class in Elections: an Interview With Noam Chomsky
Karl Grossman
Turning Space Into a War Zone
Jonah Raskin
“Fuck Wine Grapes, Fuck Wines”: the Coming Napafication of the World
Manuel García, Jr.
Climate Change Bites Big Business
Alberto Zuppi - Cesar Chelala
Argentina at a Crossroads
Chris Wright
On “Bullshit Jobs”
Rosita A. Sweetman
Dear Jorge: On the Pope’s Visit to Ireland
Binoy Kampmark
Authoritarian Revocations: Australia, Terrorism and Citizenship
Sara Johnson
The Incredible Benefits of Sagebrush and Juniper in the West
Martin Billheimer
White & Red Aunts, Capital Gains and Anarchy
Walter Clemens
Enough Already! Donald J. Trump Resignation Speech
August 13, 2018
Michael Colby
Migrant Injustice: Ben & Jerry’s Farmworker Exploitation
John Davis
California: Waging War on Wildfire
Alex Strauss
Chasing Shadows: Socialism Won’t Go Away Because It is Capitalism’s Antithesis 
Kathy Kelly
U.S. is Complicit in Child Slaughter in Yemen
Fran Shor
The Distemper of White Spite
Chad Hanson
We Know How to Protect Homes From Wildfires. Logging Isn’t the Way to Do It
Faisal Khan
Nawaz Sharif: Has Pakistan’s Houdini Finally Met his End?
Binoy Kampmark
Trump Versus Journalism: the Travails of Fourth Estate
Wim Laven
Honestly Looking at Family Values
Fred Gardner
Exploiting Styron’s Ghost
Dean Baker
Fact-Checking the Fact-Checker on Medicare-for-All
Weekend Edition
August 10, 2018
Friday - Sunday
David Price
Militarizing Space: Starship Troopers, Same As It Ever Was
Andrew Levine
No Attack on Iran, Yet
Melvin Goodman
The CIA’s Double Standard Revisited
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: The Grifter’s Lament
Aidan O'Brien
In Italy, There are 12,000 American Soldiers and 500,000 African Refugees: Connect the Dots 
Robert Fantina
Pity the Democrats and Republicans
Ishmael Reed
Am I More Nordic Than Members of the Alt Right?
Kristine Mattis
Dying of Consumption While Guzzling Snake Oil: a Realist’s Perspective on the Environmental Crisis
James Munson
The Upside of Defeat
Brian Cloughley
Pentagon Spending Funds the Politicians
Pavel Kozhevnikov
Cold War in the Sauna: Notes From a Russian American
Marilyn Garson
If the Gaza Blockade is Bad, Does That Make Hamas Good?
Sean Posey
Declinism Rising: An Interview with Morris Berman  
Jack Dresser
America’s Secret War on Yemen
Howard Lisnoff
The Use and Misuse of Charity: the Luck of the Draw in a Predatory System
Louis Proyect
In the Spirit of the Departed Munsees
Binoy Kampmark
Banning Alex Jones and Infowars
Mundher Al Adhami
On the Iraqi Protests, Now in Their Second Month 
Jeff Mackler
Nicaragua: Dynamics of an Interrupted Revolution
Robert Hunziker
Peter Wadhams, Professor Emeritus, Ocean Physics
David Macaray
Missouri Stands Tall on the Labor Front
Thomas Knapp
I Didn’t Join Facebook to “Feel Safe”
John Carroll Md
Are Haitian Doctors Burned Out?
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail