Goodies for the Unmentionables

In a conference call with his donors, defeated Republican candidate Mitt Romney was heard saying that his opponent, Barack Obama, was observed the weekend before the election playing Santa Claus, “giving gifts to the 47 per centers.”

“He spent the entire weekend handing out gifts to the free-loaders in this country who don’t work—have no work ethic—and expect nothing but hand-outs from their government.  I swore never to do anything so despicable if elected President of this great country, but Obama not only reinforced these ne’er-do-wells by giving them gifts but, in the process, caught us totally off guard.  I would have won the election had it not been for these gifts.”

Sheldon Adelson interrupted Romney and reminded Romney that the President is black, asking “Wouldn’t it be rather difficult for him to look like Santa Claus?”

Romney replied, “Well, he did it in white face, and that’s no surprise since he’s always trying to be one of us.  But even a black-faced Santa Claus would have no difficulty being accepted by some of our greedy minorities.”

Romney continued after David Koch asked him to identify the specific gifts.  Koch added, “We need to know exactly what these gifts are in order to corner the market on them before the next election.”

Romney responded.  “Well, we can see what they are, because we’ve captured it on video.  In African-American communities, it’s mostly chitlins and pig’s feet, sometimes with collard greens and corn bread thrown in.

“But it Latino areas, it’s tortillas and tamales—and lots of sopaipillas, but sometimes it’s tortillas presses, for the woman, and tequila for the men, the voters he most wants to bribe.”

“What about the young people who voted for him?”  The identity of the questioner is not clear.

“Well, this is the worst thing of all.  It’s regrettably about sex.  So it’s birth control pills for the girls and prophylactics for the boys, and sometimes other sex toys.”

Someone else asks him, “What about all the women voters?”

“That’s what’s so surprising here,” Romney responds.  “We can’t find any image on that tape showing Obama playing Santa Claus with adult white women.  There’s obviously a reason why they voted for him, but so far we haven’t be able to figure that out.”

Adelson asks another question.  “Isn’t this rather preposterous, Mitt?  How does one person hand out so much stuff the weekend before the election?”

“How does Santa Claus deliver gifts to every child in the world the night before Christmas?”

An audible groan is heard from one of Romney’s donors, who mutters, “So that’s where our higher taxes will go—more goodies for these unmentionables.”

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C.  Email: clarson@american.edu.

More articles by:

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C. Email = clarson@american.edu. Twitter @LarsonChuck.

Weekend Edition
March 16, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Michael Uhl
The Tip of the Iceberg: My Lai Fifty Years On
Bruce E. Levine
School Shootings: Who to Listen to Instead of Mainstream Shrinks
Mel Goodman
Caveat Emptor: MSNBC and CNN Use CIA Apologists for False Commentary
Paul Street
The Obama Presidency Gets Some Early High Historiography
Kathy Deacon
Me, My Parents and Red Scares Long Gone
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: Rexless Abandon
Andrew Levine
Good Enemies Are Hard To Find: Therefore Worry
Jim Kavanagh
What to Expect From a Trump / Kim Summit
Ron Jacobs
Trump and His Tariffs
Joshua Frank
Drenched in Crude: It’s an Oil Free For All, But That’s Not a New Thing
Gary Leupp
What If There Was No Collusion?
Matthew Stevenson
Why Vietnam Still Matters: Bernard Fall Dies on the Street Without Joy
Robert Fantina
Bad to Worse: Tillerson, Pompeo and Haspel
Brian Cloughley
Be Prepared, Iran, Because They Want to Destroy You
Richard Moser
What is Organizing?
Scott McLarty
Working Americans Need Independent Politics
Rohullah Naderi
American Gun Violence From an Afghan Perspective
Sharmini Peries - Michael Hudson
Why Trump’s Tariff Travesty Will Not Re-Industrialize the US
Ted Rall
Democrats Should Run on Impeachment
Robert Fisk
Will We Ever See Al Jazeera’s Investigation Into the Israel Lobby?
Kristine Mattis
Superunknown: Scientific Integrity Within the Academic and Media Industrial Complexes
John W. Whitehead
Say No to “Hardening” the Schools with Zero Tolerance Policies and Gun-Toting Cops
Edward Hunt
UN: US Attack On Syrian Civilians Violated International Law
Barbara Nimri Aziz
Iraq Outside History
Wilfred Burchett
Vietnam Will Win: The Long Hard Road
Victor Grossman
Germany: New Faces, Old Policies
Medea Benjamin - Nicolas J. S. Davies
The Iraq Death Toll 15 Years After the US Invasion
Binoy Kampmark
Amazon’s Initiative: Digital Assistants, Home Surveillance and Data
Chuck Collins
Business Leaders Agree: Inequality Hurts The Bottom Line
Jill Richardson
What We Talk About When We Talk About “Free Trade”
Eric Lerner – Jay Arena
A Spark to a Wider Fire: Movement Against Immigrant Detention in New Jersey
Negin Owliaei
Teachers Deserve a Raise: Here’s How to Fund It
Kollibri terre Sonnenblume
What to Do at the End of the World? Interview with Climate Crisis Activist, Kevin Hester
Kevin Proescholdt
Secretary of Interior Ryan Zinke Attacks America’s Wilderness
Franklin Lamb
Syrian War Crimes Tribunals Around the Corner
Beth Porter
Clean Energy is Calling. Will Your Phone Company Answer?
George Ochenski
Zinke on the Hot Seat Again and Again
Lance Olsen
Somebody’s Going to Extremes
Robert Koehler
Breaking the Ice
Pepe Escobar
The Myth of a Neo-Imperial China
Graham Peebles
Time for Political Change and Unity in Ethiopia
Terry Simons
10 American Myths “Refutiated”*
Thomas Knapp
Some Questions from the Edge of Immortality
Louis Proyect
The 2018 Socially Relevant Film Festival
David Yearsley
Keaton’s “The General” and the Pernicious Myths of the Heroic South