Click amount to donate direct to CounterPunch
  • $25
  • $50
  • $100
  • $500
  • $other
  • use PayPal
DOUBLE YOUR DONATION!
We don’t run corporate ads. We don’t shake our readers down for money every month or every quarter like some other sites out there. We provide our site for free to all, but the bandwidth we pay to do so doesn’t come cheap. A generous donor is matching all donations of $100 or more! So please donate now to double your punch!
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Goodies for the Unmentionables

In a conference call with his donors, defeated Republican candidate Mitt Romney was heard saying that his opponent, Barack Obama, was observed the weekend before the election playing Santa Claus, “giving gifts to the 47 per centers.”

“He spent the entire weekend handing out gifts to the free-loaders in this country who don’t work—have no work ethic—and expect nothing but hand-outs from their government.  I swore never to do anything so despicable if elected President of this great country, but Obama not only reinforced these ne’er-do-wells by giving them gifts but, in the process, caught us totally off guard.  I would have won the election had it not been for these gifts.”

Sheldon Adelson interrupted Romney and reminded Romney that the President is black, asking “Wouldn’t it be rather difficult for him to look like Santa Claus?”

Romney replied, “Well, he did it in white face, and that’s no surprise since he’s always trying to be one of us.  But even a black-faced Santa Claus would have no difficulty being accepted by some of our greedy minorities.”

Romney continued after David Koch asked him to identify the specific gifts.  Koch added, “We need to know exactly what these gifts are in order to corner the market on them before the next election.”

Romney responded.  “Well, we can see what they are, because we’ve captured it on video.  In African-American communities, it’s mostly chitlins and pig’s feet, sometimes with collard greens and corn bread thrown in.

“But it Latino areas, it’s tortillas and tamales—and lots of sopaipillas, but sometimes it’s tortillas presses, for the woman, and tequila for the men, the voters he most wants to bribe.”

“What about the young people who voted for him?”  The identity of the questioner is not clear.

“Well, this is the worst thing of all.  It’s regrettably about sex.  So it’s birth control pills for the girls and prophylactics for the boys, and sometimes other sex toys.”

Someone else asks him, “What about all the women voters?”

“That’s what’s so surprising here,” Romney responds.  “We can’t find any image on that tape showing Obama playing Santa Claus with adult white women.  There’s obviously a reason why they voted for him, but so far we haven’t be able to figure that out.”

Adelson asks another question.  “Isn’t this rather preposterous, Mitt?  How does one person hand out so much stuff the weekend before the election?”

“How does Santa Claus deliver gifts to every child in the world the night before Christmas?”

An audible groan is heard from one of Romney’s donors, who mutters, “So that’s where our higher taxes will go—more goodies for these unmentionables.”

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C.  Email: clarson@american.edu.

More articles by:

Charles R. Larson is Emeritus Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C. Email = clarson@american.edu. Twitter @LarsonChuck.

Weekend Edition
October 19, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Jason Hirthler
The Pieties of the Liberal Class
Jeffrey St. Clair
A Day in My Life at CounterPunch
Paul Street
“Male Energy,” Authoritarian Whiteness and Creeping Fascism in the Age of Trump
Nick Pemberton
Reflections on Chomsky’s Voting Strategy: Why The Democratic Party Can’t Be Saved
John Davis
The Last History of the United States
Yigal Bronner
The Road to Khan al-Akhmar
Robert Hunziker
The Negan Syndrome
Andrew Levine
Democrats Ahead: Progressives Beware
Rannie Amiri
There is No “Proxy War” in Yemen
David Rosen
America’s Lost Souls: the 21st Century Lumpen-Proletariat?
Joseph Natoli
The Age of Misrepresentations
Ron Jacobs
History Is Not Kind
John Laforge
White House Radiation: Weakened Regulations Would Save Industry Billions
Ramzy Baroud
The UN ‘Sheriff’: Nikki Haley Elevated Israel, Damaged US Standing
Robert Fantina
Trump, Human Rights and the Middle East
Anthony Pahnke – Jim Goodman
NAFTA 2.0 Will Help Corporations More Than Farmers
Jill Richardson
Identity Crisis: Elizabeth Warren’s Claims Cherokee Heritage
Sam Husseini
The Most Strategic Midterm Race: Elder Challenges Hoyer
Maria Foscarinis – John Tharp
The Criminalization of Homelessness
Robert Fisk
The Story of the Armenian Legion: a Dark Tale of Anger and Revenge
Jacques R. Pauwels
Dinner With Marx in the House of the Swan
Dave Lindorff
US ‘Outrage’ over Slaying of US Residents Depends on the Nation Responsible
Ricardo Vaz
How Many Yemenis is a DC Pundit Worth?
Elliot Sperber
Build More Gardens, Phase out Cars
Chris Gilbert
In the Wake of Nepal’s Incomplete Revolution: Dispatch by a Far-Flung Bolivarian 
Muhammad Othman
Let Us Bray
Gerry Brown
Are Chinese Municipal $6 Trillion (40 Trillion Yuan) Hidden Debts Posing Titanic Risks?
Rev. William Alberts
Judge Kavanaugh’s Defenders Doth Protest Too Much
Ralph Nader
Unmasking Phony Values Campaigns by the Corporatists
Victor Grossman
A Big Rally and a Bavarian Vote
James Bovard
Groped at the Airport: Congress Must End TSA’s Sexual Assaults on Women
Jeff Roby
Florida After Hurricane Michael: the Sad State of the Unheeded Planner
Wim Laven
Intentional or Incompetence—Voter Suppression Where We Live
Bradley Kaye
The Policy of Policing
Wim Laven
The Catholic Church Fails Sexual Abuse Victims
Kevin Cashman
One Year After Hurricane Maria: Employment in Puerto Rico is Down by 26,000
Dr. Hakim Young
Nonviolent Afghans Bring a Breath of Fresh Air
Karl Grossman
Irving Like vs. Big Nuke
Dan Corjescu
The New Politics of Climate Change
John Carter
The Plight of the Pyrenees: the Abandoned Guard Dogs of the West
Ted Rall
Brett Kavanaugh and the Politics of Emotion-Shaming
Graham Peebles
Sharing is Key to a New Economic and Democratic Order
Ed Rampell
The Advocates
Louis Proyect
The Education Business
David Yearsley
Shock-and-Awe Inside Oracle Arena
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail