FacebookTwitterRedditEmail

Lance, Tiger and Harry…Oh My!

Methinks that if Lance Armstrong were innocent of charges he doped during the Tour de France, as he maintains, he wouldn’t avoid arbitration, where all the evidence, pro and con, could come out.  He wouldn’t, without this forensic fight (where he could vindicate himself), just submit to the likely fate of being stripped of his seven Tour de France titles, piles of victory money, a lifetime ban from the sport, and a tarnished reputation.

But Lance hasn’t let me down. Instead, I’m elated.  Because for several years, Lance Armstrong made me feel like shit.  Here’s this pro cyclist who got testicular cancer and not only didn’t die but came back and won the Tour de France seven times in a row.

In contrast, I muddled through those years.  Some days, it’s still all I can do to not spill my coffee, remember to wash an apple before eating it, or write a blog post.  I had shoulder surgery last spring and needed to ask for an extension to meet a deadline. I remember beating myself up, thinking, Lance Armstrong would have beaten the deadline and, arm in sling, won another Tour de France.

But now I see that would be because … Lance was doping.  I might have been able to get my work done on time and even win the Tour de France (or at least a stage of it) if I’d doped!  Thanks to the news about Lance, I no longer feel like shit.  A great, smelly weight has been lifted.

Tiger Woods’s likeness seemed to grace every ad in every airport just a few years ago.  Land in London, deplane in Dulles, stopover in Stockholm, and there was that big poster with a focused-as-hell Tiger Woods lining up an impossible-for-mere-mortals-to-sink putt.  The caption: “Be a Tiger.” Message: It wasn’t worthwhile anymore to “be yourself.”

Worse, Tiger dominated pro golf while being a great guy and perfect family man! I decided not to have kids because I figured I’d lose them in Lowe’s, but this guy could be a father while gallivanting all over the globe winning millions of dollars beating the best of the best in a game I can’t play without losing all my balls — even those shameful fluorescent orange ones. Once I had to strip naked and dive into a water hazard to fish for some balls just so I could play past the third hole.  The last time I golfed, it was cold, and it took me so long to get through nine holes that the recently-retired literature professor I had thought it would be nice to take golfing (because he played every day) ended up catching pneumonia and almost died the next week.

But it turned out Tiger wasn’t a great guy or perfect family man. I was relieved to learn about the real Tiger, the one his wife almost beat to death with a nine iron.  At the time, I thought I was just enjoying some Schadenfreude, a little guilty pleasure, but eventually I realized that the entire affair boosted my low self-esteem.

Then there’s the trouble with Harry. The photos of the prince romping and rumping butt naked in Las Vegas brought me as much joy as those older pics of him in Nazi regalia. Even a prince can personify poor judgment.

So now I’m grateful for these guys’ falls from grace. Lance and Tiger and Harry aren’t perfect. They’re … human — a lot like us.

Hang in there, fellows. If we could forgive Martha Stewart, we can forgive you.  But don’t reform right away.  Let me enjoy this up-tick in my self-esteem just a little bit longer.

Brian J. Foley is a law professor and comedian and author of  A New Financial You in 28 Days! A 37-Day Plan.

COMING IN SEPTEMBER

A Special Memorial Issue of CounterPunch

Featuring recollections of Alexander Cockburn from Jeffrey St. Clair, Peter Linebaugh, Paul Craig Roberts, Noam Chomsky, Mike Whitney, Doug Peacock, Perry Anderson, Becky Grant, Dennis Kucinich, Michael Neumann, Susannah Hecht, P. Sainath, Ben Tripp, Alison Weir, James Ridgeway, JoAnn Wypijewski, John Strausbaugh, Pierre Sprey, Carolyn Cooke, Conn Hallinan, James Wolcott, Laura Flanders, Ken Silverstein, Tariq Ali and many others …

Subscribe to CounterPunch Today to Reserve Your Copy

More articles by:

Brian J. Foley is a lawyer and the author of A New Financial You in 28 Days! A 37-Day Plan (Gegensatz Press). Contact him at brian_j_foley@yahoo.com.

August 04, 2020
John Pilger
Another Hiroshima is Coming…Unless We Stop It Now
Dave Lindorff
Unsung Heroes of Los Alamos: Rethinking Manhattan Project Spies and the Cold War
Kenneth Good
Escalating State Repression and Covid-19: Their Impact on the Poor in Kenya
Dean Baker
We Need an Economic Survival Package Not Another Stimulus
David Rosen
Globalization and the End of the American Dream
John Feffer
The Pandemic Reveals a Europe More United Than the United States
Patrick Cockburn
The Government’s Failed Track-and-Trace System is a Disaster for England
Ramzy Baroud
‘Optimism of the Will’: Palestinian Freedom is Possible Now
Manuel García, Jr.
Ocean Heat: From the Tropics to the Poles
Sonali Kolhatkar
Why the Idea of Jobless Benefits Scares the Conservative Mind
Greta Anderson
Framing Wolves in New Mexico?
Binoy Kampmark
Pulling Out of Germany: Trump Adjusts the Military Furniture
Shawn Fremstad – Nicole Rodgers
COVID Stimulus Checks Shouldn’t Penalize One-Parent Households
Adam Shah
The 1 Percent’s Attack on Unemployment Benefits is a Sign of Our Broken Democracy
Evaggelos Vallianatos
On the Beauty of Life
B. R. Gowani
Mohammed Rafi: Singer and Human Par Excellence
David Krieger
Eight A-Bomb Haiku
August 03, 2020
Linda Pentz Gunter
The Resistible Rise of Nuclear Gangsters…and Their Downfall
John G. Russell
The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters
Cal Winslow
Their Heroes and Ours: California’s Health Care Crisis
David Barber
Renouncing White Privilege: A Left Critique of Robin DiAngelo’s “White Fragility”
Linda G. Ford
Free Joy Powell! America’s Political Prisoner for Fighting Police Brutality
Prabir Purkayastha
Trump’s Withdrawal From WHO: a Cover-Up for His Abject Failure on COVID-19
Dean Baker
The Plunge in Consumption of Services Leads to a Record 32.9 Percent Drop in GDP
Ramzy Baroud
Human Rights Defenders: Palestinian Eyewitness Testimony of the Execution of Abdul Fattah al-Sharif by Israeli Soldier, Elor Azaria
Karen J. Greenberg
Accountability is Gone in America
Cesar Chelala
A Wrong Message for the Pandemic
Jonah Raskin
Chesa Boudin: Reformer in the San Francisco DA’s Office
George Wuerthner
Forest Plan Failure in the Montana Rockies
Ralph Nader
Speaker Nancy Pelosi Writes to Me!
Laura Flanders
Take on the Tech Mob Now or Perish
CounterPunch News Service
Conservationists Intervene to Oppose New Dam Project Near the Grand Canyon
Weekend Edition
July 31, 2020
Friday - Sunday
Bette Lee
Tear Gas and Thugs at the BLM Protests in Portland
Rob Urie
Russiagate, Nazis, and the CIA
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: Demon Seed
T.J. Coles
The Space Wars Have Begun
Andrew Levine
Insurgents and Iconoclasts Needed (But for Now Lay Low)
Paul Street
“Time to Say the F-Word”: Why Now?
Matthew Scully
The Triple Antagonist of the Police, Policing, and Policy
Richard D. Wolff
The Consequences of Inequality Can Be Fatal
Richard C. Gross
Feds Give In, Maybe
Erik Molvar
Inside Trump’s Attack on America’s Environmental Charter
W. T. Whitney
“We Charge Genocide:” Forerunner at UN of Black Lives Matter
Brett Wilkins
The Bologna Massacre, the ‘Strategy of Tension’ and Operation Gladio
Nick Pemberton
Does The Left Stand With Uighurs?
FacebookTwitterRedditEmail