FacebookTwitterRedditEmail

Obama’s Statement on Fast and Furious

Good evening, my fellow Americans. I’m here tonight to clear up some misperceptions about Operation Fast and Furious. Many of you are confused, even angry, and I fully understand. Why did the United States sell thousands of guns to vicious Mexican drug cartels, so that they could kill many people, including Americans? Doesn’t this make us accomplices to murders?

Of course it does, but you must keep in mind that our hands are always stained by the blood of millions and millions of victims. That is the story of our history, it is our creed, because there is an awesome responsibility to being the greatest country on earth. We routinely preach peace and practice mass murder. Still, what was the point of Fast and Furious? Why did we give guns to our supposed enemy so they could shoot us?

The name is taken from a B movie, by the way. It’s about a fellow who breaks out of jail, kidnaps a woman, roughs her up a little, which makes her fall in love with him. Together, they then try to escape to Mexico. Michelle and the girls hated this film, and I didn’t care for it either. Violence on women is never excusable, under any circumstance. I just had Jeremy Lin, Eli Manning and Jimmie Rollins in town to tape a message condemning violence against women. Got to get those chick votes out. Give me some. In short, a woman should never be physically violated under any situation, context or lighting. Unless she’s hit by a drone in her sleep, that is. We don’t live in perfect world.

When I came into office, I had no gray hair and never rambled, but now I do. Such is the stress of being your President. Back to Fast and Furious. Attorney General Holder explained that the idea was to track these guns to the hiding places and upper echelons of the drug cartels, so that we could catch or kill the bad guys, just like we did Bin Laden in Pakistan, but of course this rationale is nonsense, because our brave and hardworking agents can only do so much in Mexico. It is a separate country, after all. Not that we care too much about that, frankly. In any case, we lost track of these weapons almost immediately, often even before they crossed the Rio Grande.

But you shouldn’t blame the Attorney General for blowing smoke up your crack. We all do, all the time. Harassed by an ambitious pitbull like Representative Issa, it was hard for Mr. Holder to keep his composure, and he was right to characterize his adversary’s antic as “political theater,” though everything in Washington, down to the last screw on each doorjamb, is political theater.

Back to your questions: Why did we provide guns to these mass-murdering, decapitating and torturing drug dealers? Why did we strengthen these ruthlessly greedy and even sadistic people, sort of like us, actually, when we’re supposed to fight them in the War on Drugs?

First of: The United States of America loves drug dealers. They have been our allies in war after war, including the Cold War and the War on Drugs. You must be familiar with The French Connection. Not too bad a movie. In real life, those Corsican gangsters were supported by our CIA. During the Vietnam War, we backed Chinese and Hmong drug lords operating out of Burma and Laos, with their opium and heroin being transported to markets on CIA planes. As our brave and honorable warriors fought the Communist menace, the CIA got many of these soldiers hooked on heroin. To fund America’s covert war against Nicaragua, we sold crack cocaine to African Americans, and now, in Afghanistan, this great, unparalleled country, a shining city on a hill, is again partnering with local drug dealers. Where there are drugs, America’s there to get in on the action.

And we have given guns to countless drug lords, so it’s no surprise we were caught arming the Sinaloa Cartel and even Los Zetas. Thanks to your addictions, these well-run organizations can funnel money to all these Mexican public servants, from the lowest to the highest. The honest ones, they kill. They also keep Americans too drugged up to rebel, so far, and I cross my fingers.

Let us remember that the British dumped opium on China to enrich themselves, debilitate the Chinese and fragment their society. With a much more exciting cocktail of drugs, not all of them chemical, your federal government is doing the same to you.

Many people have suggested that the quickest way to solve the drug problem is to legalize it. If drugs were legal, they would cost much less, thus cutting down greatly on the number of crimes committed by addicts. Legal drugs would also eliminate drug gangs, big and small, all except the biggest, of course. The CIA, one must remember, is a criminal organization with an extremely diversified portfolio. There isn’t a felony that it hasn’t or won’t commit. It can fix or tone down the Guatemalan President, for example, if he doesn’t stop making so much noise about legalizing drugs.

So now you see. Your ruling class won’t legalize drugs because it needs to make billions of dollars from illegal drugs and guns each year. Illegal narcotics fatten Wall Street, my puppet master, so who cares if thousands of cops, dealers, addicts and bystanders lie dead on bloody sidewalks from Juarez to Philly? This drug policy also provides a handy pretext to arrest vast swaths of America. Between that and the labyrinthine tax code, just about any of you can be branded a criminal. And if those fail, I can just declare you a terrorist!

So this is your country, America. We sell guns, drugs and porn, in the broadest sense of the word, and sponsor drug dealers, because that’s how we make loads of money. It’s all good. So with that, I wish you a pleasant good night. May God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America.

Linh Dinh is the author of two books of stories, five of poems, and a novel, Love Like Hate. He’s tracking our deteriorating socialscape through his frequently updated photo blog, State of the Union.

 

More articles by:

Linh Dinh is the author of two books of stories, five of poems, and a novel, Love Like Hate. He’s tracking our deteriorating socialscape through his frequently updated photo blog, State of the Union.

March 20, 2019
T.J. Coles
Countdown to “Full Spectrum Dominance”
W. T. Whitney
Re-Targeting Cuba: Why Title III of U.S. Helms-Burton Act will be a Horror Show
Kenneth Surin
Ukania’s Great Privatization Heist
Howard Lisnoff
“Say It Ain’t So, Joe:” the Latest Neoliberal from the War and Wall Street Party
Walter Clemens
Jailed Birds of a Feather May Sing Together
George Ochenski
Failing Students on Climate Change
Cesar Chelala
The Sweet Smell of Madeleine
Binoy Kampmark
Global Kids Strike
Nicky Reid
Where Have All the Flowers Gone?: Requiem for a Fictional Party
Elliot Sperber
Empedocles and You and Me 
March 19, 2019
Paul Street
Socialism Curiously Trumps Fascism in U.S. Political Threat Reporting
Jonah Raskin
Guy Standing on Anxiety, Anger and Alienation: an Interview About “The Precariat”
Patrick Cockburn
The Brutal Legacy of Bloody Sunday is a Powerful Warning to Those Hoping to Save Brexit
Robert Fisk
Turning Algeria Into a Necrocracy
John Steppling
Day of Wrath
Robin Philpot
Truth, Freedom and Peace Will Prevail in Rwanda
Victor Grossman
Women Marchers and Absentees
Binoy Kampmark
The Dangers of Values: Brenton Tarrant, Fraser Anning and the Christchurch Shootings
Jeff Sher
Let Big Pharma Build the Wall
Jimmy Centeno
Venezuela Beneath the Skin of Imperialism
Jeffrey Sommers – Christopher Fons
Scott Walker’s Failure, Progressive Wisconsin’s Win: Milwaukee’s 2020 Democratic Party Convention
Steve Early
Time for Change at NewsGuild?
March 18, 2019
Scott Poynting
Terrorism Has No Religion
Ipek S. Burnett
Black Lives on Trial
John Feffer
The World’s Most Dangerous Divide
Paul Cochrane
On the Ground in Venezuela vs. the Media Spectacle
Dean Baker
The Fed and the 3.8 Percent Unemployment Rate
Thomas Knapp
Social Media Companies “Struggle” to Help Censors Keep us in the Dark
Binoy Kampmark
Death in New Zealand: The Christchurch Shootings
Mark Weisbrot
The Reality Behind Trump’s Venezuela Regime Change Coalition
Weekend Edition
March 15, 2019
Friday - Sunday
Andrew Levine
Is Ilhan Omar Wrong…About Anything?
Kenn Orphan
Grieving in the Anthropocene
Jeffrey Kaye
On the Death of Guantanamo Detainee 10028
Stan Cox – Paul Cox
In Salinas, Puerto Rico, Vulnerable Americans Are Still Trapped in the Ruins Left by Hurricane Maria
Ben Debney
Christchurch, the White Victim Complex and Savage Capitalism
Eric Draitser
Did Dallas Police and Local Media Collude to Cover Up Terrorist Threats against Journalist Barrett Brown?
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: Straighten Up and Fly Right
Jack Rasmus
Trump’s $34 Trillion Deficit and Debt Bomb
David Rosen
America’s Puppet: Meet Juan Guaidó
Jason Hirthler
Annexing the Stars: Walcott, Rhodes, and Venezuela
Samantha M. - Angelica Perkins
Our Green New Deal
Mel Gurtov
Trump’s Nightmare Budget
Steven Colatrella
The 18th Brumaire of Just About Everybody: the Rise of Authoritarian Strongmen and How to Prevent and Reverse It
Evaggelos Vallianatos
Riding the Wild Bull of Nuclear Power
Michael K. Smith
Thirty Years Gone: Remembering “Cactus Ed”
FacebookTwitterRedditEmail