FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

How Mitt Romney Tried to Win the Hip Hop Vote

Some observers think that Mitt Romney’s recent attempt to pander to white Southerners–by talking about “cheesy grits,” standing on a podium with Jeff Foxworthy, and straining to pronounce the word “y’all”—represented an absolute low in the art of craven pandering.

They don’t know what I know.

I have been given exclusive access to cameraphone footage of Mitt Romney grovelling in front of other groups: gays, dopers, and young blacks.  While I’m not allowed to post the actual footage on Youtube, I will be providing transcripts as the campaign goes on.

First, we have a bizarre recording of Romney’s recent performance at a secret hip-hop show somewhere in rural Utah.  He opens with a moment of deep sincerity, in which he tries to connect to the audience on a human gut-level: “I feel very close to black people…I have friends who own a lot of them.”  Sensing—in his in his deep, instinctive way—that the audience is not yet swayed, he jumps right into his very own hip-hop tune, which he raps over a sample of James Brown’s mighty groove from “Sex Machine”—and yes, this is a word-for-word transcript…

He opens in typical hip-hop fashion, by exhorting the audience:

Extend your hands straight upwards
As if you’re completely indifferent!

His “Blackness Consultant” quickly leans close and whispers in his ear, at which point  Romney nods and corrects himself:

Put your hands in the air
Like you just don’t care!

Confidence restored, he begins to walk stiffly around the stage, a smile frozen on his face as he starts rapping to the “Sex Machine” groove:

Homie you lookin’ at a Mormon wit’ riches
My grandpappy married sixteen bitches
Gingrich?  He be my bitch too
Damn, he get all his money from one rich Jew

Then you got that freak Santorum
Ain’t nothin’ but pederast priests votin’ for ‘im
Slow-witted dude in a sweater vest
Walk around talkin’ ‘bout man-dog sex

Gingrich Ron Paul and Rick Santorum
Cut to shreds by one bad Mormon
Maybe I can’t sing and I sure can’t dance
But I wear magic underpants

Everybody say yes!
Everybody say heck yes!

Extend your hands into the air
Like you’re completely indifferent!

Synthetic funk?  Or heartfelt soul?  It’s not for me to say, and—for whatever reason—Romney’s chosen not to reprise the performance.

In the near future, I’ll be reporting on two more surprising Romney speeches: one to crystal-meth smokers in a Kentucky trailer-park, and another to San Francisco drag-queens.  Jeff Foxworthy only appears in the former.

John Eskow is a writer and musician. He wrote or co-wrote the movies Air America, The Mask of Zorro, and Pink Cadillac, as well as the novel Smokestack Lightning. He can be reached at: johneskow@yahoo.com

 


More articles by:

John Eskow is a writer and musician. He wrote or co-wrote the movies Air America, The Mask of Zorro, and Pink Cadillac, as well as the novel Smokestack Lightning. He is a contributor to Killing Trayvons: an Anthology of American Violence. He can be reached at: johneskow@yahoo.com

November 12, 2018
Kerron Ó Luain
Poppy Fascism and the English Education System
Conn Hallinan
Nuclear Treaties: Unwrapping Armageddon
Robert Hunziker
Tropical Trump Declares War on Amazonia
John W. Whitehead
Badge of Shame: the Government’s War on Military Veterans
Will Griffin
Military “Service” Serves the Ruling Class
John Eskow
Harold Pinter’s America: Hard Truths and Easy Targets
Rob Okun
Activists Looking Beyond Midterm Elections
Binoy Kampmark
Mid-Term Divisions: The Trump Take
Dean Baker
Short-Term Health Insurance Plans Destroy Insurance Pools
George Wuerthner
Saving the Buffalohorn/Porcupine: the Lamar Valley of the Gallatin Range
Patrick Howlett-Martin
A Note on the Paris Peace Forum
Joseph G. Ramsey
Does America Have a “Gun Problem”…Or a White Supremacy Capitalist Empire Problem?
Weekend Edition
November 09, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Louis Proyect
Why Democrats Are So Okay With Losing
Andrew Levine
What Now?
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: Chuck and Nancy’s House of Cards
Brian Cloughley
The Malevolent Hypocrisy of Selective Sanctions
Marc Levy
Welcome, Class of ‘70
David Archuleta Jr.
Facebook Allows Governments to Decide What to Censor
Evaggelos Vallianatos
The Zika Scare: a Political and Commercial Maneuver of the Chemical Poisons Industry
Nick Pemberton
When It Comes To Stone Throwing, Democrats Live In A Glass House
Ron Jacobs
Impeach!
Lawrence Davidson
A Tale of Two Massacres
José Tirado
A World Off Balance
Jonah Raskin
Something Has Gone Very Wrong: An Interview With Ecuadoran Author Gabriela Alemán
J.P. Linstroth
Myths on Race and Invasion of the ‘Caravan Horde’
Dean Baker
Good News, the Stock Market is Plunging: Thoughts on Wealth
David Rosen
It’s Time to Decriminalize Sex Work
Dan Glazebrook
US Calls for a Yemen Ceasefire is a Cynical Piece of Political Theatre
Jérôme Duval
Forced Marriage Between Argentina and the IMF Turns into a Fiasco
Jill Richardson
Getting Past Gingrich
Dave Lindorff
Not a Blue Wave, But Perhaps a Foreshock
Martha Rosenberg
Dangerous, Expensive Drugs Aggressively Pushed? You Have These Medical Conflicts of Interest to Thank
Will Solomon
Not Much of a Wave
Nicolas J S Davies
Why Yemeni War Deaths are Five Times Higher Than You’ve Been Led to Believe
Jim Goodman
We call BS! Now, Will You Please Get Over This Partisanship?
Josh Hoxie
How Aristocracies are Born
Faisal Khan
The Weaponization of Social Media
James Munson
The Left Has Better Things to Do Than Watch Liberals Scratch Their Heads
Kenneth Culton
The Political Is Personal
Graham Peebles
Fracking in the UK
Alycee Lane
The Colonial Logic of Geoengineering’s “Last Resort”
Kevin Basl
How Veterans Changed the Military and Rebuilt the Middle Class
Thomas Knapp
Election 2018: The More Things Don’t Change, the More They Stay the Same
Gary Leupp
Europe and Secondary Iran Sanctions: Where Do We Go Now?
Saurav Sarkar
An Honest Look at Poverty in the Heartland
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail