FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

How Mitt Romney Tried to Win the Hip Hop Vote

by JOHN ESKOW

Some observers think that Mitt Romney’s recent attempt to pander to white Southerners–by talking about “cheesy grits,” standing on a podium with Jeff Foxworthy, and straining to pronounce the word “y’all”—represented an absolute low in the art of craven pandering.

They don’t know what I know.

I have been given exclusive access to cameraphone footage of Mitt Romney grovelling in front of other groups: gays, dopers, and young blacks.  While I’m not allowed to post the actual footage on Youtube, I will be providing transcripts as the campaign goes on.

First, we have a bizarre recording of Romney’s recent performance at a secret hip-hop show somewhere in rural Utah.  He opens with a moment of deep sincerity, in which he tries to connect to the audience on a human gut-level: “I feel very close to black people…I have friends who own a lot of them.”  Sensing—in his in his deep, instinctive way—that the audience is not yet swayed, he jumps right into his very own hip-hop tune, which he raps over a sample of James Brown’s mighty groove from “Sex Machine”—and yes, this is a word-for-word transcript…

He opens in typical hip-hop fashion, by exhorting the audience:

Extend your hands straight upwards
As if you’re completely indifferent!

His “Blackness Consultant” quickly leans close and whispers in his ear, at which point  Romney nods and corrects himself:

Put your hands in the air
Like you just don’t care!

Confidence restored, he begins to walk stiffly around the stage, a smile frozen on his face as he starts rapping to the “Sex Machine” groove:

Homie you lookin’ at a Mormon wit’ riches
My grandpappy married sixteen bitches
Gingrich?  He be my bitch too
Damn, he get all his money from one rich Jew

Then you got that freak Santorum
Ain’t nothin’ but pederast priests votin’ for ‘im
Slow-witted dude in a sweater vest
Walk around talkin’ ‘bout man-dog sex

Gingrich Ron Paul and Rick Santorum
Cut to shreds by one bad Mormon
Maybe I can’t sing and I sure can’t dance
But I wear magic underpants

Everybody say yes!
Everybody say heck yes!

Extend your hands into the air
Like you’re completely indifferent!

Synthetic funk?  Or heartfelt soul?  It’s not for me to say, and—for whatever reason—Romney’s chosen not to reprise the performance.

In the near future, I’ll be reporting on two more surprising Romney speeches: one to crystal-meth smokers in a Kentucky trailer-park, and another to San Francisco drag-queens.  Jeff Foxworthy only appears in the former.

John Eskow is a writer and musician. He wrote or co-wrote the movies Air America, The Mask of Zorro, and Pink Cadillac, as well as the novel Smokestack Lightning. He can be reached at: johneskow@yahoo.com

 


More articles by:

John Eskow is a writer and musician. He wrote or co-wrote the movies Air America, The Mask of Zorro, and Pink Cadillac, as well as the novel Smokestack Lightning. He is a contributor to Killing Trayvons: an Anthology of American Violence. He can be reached at: johneskow@yahoo.com

February 21, 2018
Cecil Bothwell
Billy Graham and the Gospel of Fear
Ajamu Baraka
Venezuela: Revenge of the Mad-Dog Empire
Edward Hunt
Treating North Korea Rough
Binoy Kampmark
Meddling for Empire: the CIA Comes Clean
Ron Jacobs
Stamping Out Hunger
Ammar Kourany – Martha Myers
So, You Think You Are My Partner? International NGOs and National NGOs, Costs of Asymmetrical Relationships
Michael Welton
1980s: From Star Wars to the End of the Cold War
Judith Deutsch
Finkelstein on Gaza: Who or What Has a Right to Exist? 
Kevin Zeese - Margaret Flowers
War Preparations on Venezuela as Election Nears
Wilfred Burchett
Vietnam Will Win: Military Realities
Steve Early
Refinery Safety Campaign Frays Blue-Green Alliance
Ali Mohsin
Muslims Face Increasing Discrimination, State Surveillance Under Trump
Julian Vigo
UK Mass Digital Surveillance Regime Ruled Illegal
Peter Crowley
Revisiting ‘Make America Great Again’
Andrew Stewart
Black Panther: Afrofuturism Gets a Superb Film, Marvel Grows Up and I Don’t Know How to Review It
CounterPunch News Service
A Call to Celebrate 2018 as the Year of William Edward Burghardt Du Bois by the Saturday Free School
February 20, 2018
Nick Pemberton
The Gun Violence the Media Shows Us and the State Violence They Don’t
John Eskow
Sympathy for the Drivel: On the Vocabulary of President Nitwit
John Steppling
Trump, Putin, and Nikolas Cruz Walk Into a Bar…
John W. Whitehead
America’s Cult of Violence Turns Deadly
Ishmael Reed
Charles F. Harris: He Popularized Black History
Will Podmore
Paying the Price: the TUC and Brexit
George Burchett
Plumpes Denken: Crude thinking
Binoy Kampmark
The Caring Profession: Peacekeeping, Blue Helmets and Sexual Abuse
Lawrence Wittner
The Trump Administration’s War on Workers
David Swanson
The Question of Sanctions: South Africa and Palestine
Walter Clemens
Murderers in High Places
Dean Baker
How Does the Washington Post Know that Trump’s Plan Really “Aims” to Pump $1.5 Trillion Into Infrastructure Projects?
February 19, 2018
Rob Urie
Mueller, Russia and Oil Politics
Richard Moser
Mueller the Politician
Robert Hunziker
There Is No Time Left
Nino Pagliccia
Venezuela Decides to Hold Presidential Elections, the Opposition Chooses to Boycott Democracy
Daniel Warner
Parkland Florida: Revisiting Michael Fields
Sheldon Richman
‘Peace Through Strength’ is a Racket
Wilfred Burchett
Vietnam Will Win: Taking on the Pentagon
Patrick Cockburn
People Care More About the OXFAM Scandal Than the Cholera Epidemic
Ted Rall
On Gun Violence and Control, a Political Gordian Knot
Binoy Kampmark
Making Mugs of Voters: Mueller’s Russia Indictments
Dave Lindorff
Mass Killers Abetted by Nutjobs
Myles Hoenig
A Response to David Axelrod
Colin Todhunter
The Royal Society and the GMO-Agrochemical Sector
Cesar Chelala
A Student’s Message to Politicians about the Florida Massacre
Weekend Edition
February 16, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Jeffrey St. Clair
American Carnage
Paul Street
Michael Wolff, Class Rule, and the Madness of King Don
Andrew Levine
Had Hillary Won: What Now?
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail