Some observers think that Mitt Romney’s recent attempt to pander to white Southerners–by talking about “cheesy grits,” standing on a podium with Jeff Foxworthy, and straining to pronounce the word “y’all”—represented an absolute low in the art of craven pandering.
They don’t know what I know.
I have been given exclusive access to cameraphone footage of Mitt Romney grovelling in front of other groups: gays, dopers, and young blacks. While I’m not allowed to post the actual footage on Youtube, I will be providing transcripts as the campaign goes on.
First, we have a bizarre recording of Romney’s recent performance at a secret hip-hop show somewhere in rural Utah. He opens with a moment of deep sincerity, in which he tries to connect to the audience on a human gut-level: “I feel very close to black people…I have friends who own a lot of them.” Sensing—in his in his deep, instinctive way—that the audience is not yet swayed, he jumps right into his very own hip-hop tune, which he raps over a sample of James Brown’s mighty groove from “Sex Machine”—and yes, this is a word-for-word transcript…
He opens in typical hip-hop fashion, by exhorting the audience:
Extend your hands straight upwards
As if you’re completely indifferent!
His “Blackness Consultant” quickly leans close and whispers in his ear, at which point Romney nods and corrects himself:
Put your hands in the air
Like you just don’t care!
Confidence restored, he begins to walk stiffly around the stage, a smile frozen on his face as he starts rapping to the “Sex Machine” groove:
Homie you lookin’ at a Mormon wit’ riches
My grandpappy married sixteen bitches
Gingrich? He be my bitch too
Damn, he get all his money from one rich Jew
Then you got that freak Santorum
Ain’t nothin’ but pederast priests votin’ for ‘im
Slow-witted dude in a sweater vest
Walk around talkin’ ‘bout man-dog sex
Gingrich Ron Paul and Rick Santorum
Cut to shreds by one bad Mormon
Maybe I can’t sing and I sure can’t dance
But I wear magic underpants
Everybody say yes!
Everybody say heck yes!
Extend your hands into the air
Like you’re completely indifferent!
Synthetic funk? Or heartfelt soul? It’s not for me to say, and—for whatever reason—Romney’s chosen not to reprise the performance.
In the near future, I’ll be reporting on two more surprising Romney speeches: one to crystal-meth smokers in a Kentucky trailer-park, and another to San Francisco drag-queens. Jeff Foxworthy only appears in the former.
John Eskow is a writer and musician. He wrote or co-wrote the movies Air America, The Mask of Zorro, and Pink Cadillac, as well as the novel Smokestack Lightning. He can be reached at: email@example.com