FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

How to Succeed in Hedge Funding

by PAUL BUCHHEIT

It’s an exciting time for you guys. You know you can beat those hedge fund managers. You’re better educated, you’re ambitious and creative. Go for $10 billion. Or maybe, a few years from now, you’ll be the first trillion dollar man!

Here’s an example to motivate you. In just one year a single hedge fund manager made enough money to hire 100,000 new teachers while calling his $5 billion income “carried interest” so he wouldn’t have to pay any taxes.

Tough to beat, I know, but take it as a challenge. Go invest, young man. Go for a trillion. That’s only 200 times more than the hedge fund haul. Once you hit a trillion, you’ll be close to the total U.S. income of $8 trillion. You’ll get a perfect score on the Gini income distribution scale. You’ll be famous. All the new foundations will be named after you.

Of course, you’ve got a lot of competition right now, a lot of colleagues who would like their own piece of the pie. The financial sector, which made up 16% of domestic corporate profits in 1980, now makes up over 40% of those profits. The best and brightest graduate students aren’t going into science or engineering or medicine anymore. They’re going into finance. No sense making products when you can make bets on mortgage failures, using other people’s money in case the bets go bad.

More motivation comes to you from the incomparable Ayn Rand, whose “Atlas Shrugged” paved the way for unbounded post-war capitalism. “Run for your life,” she says, “from any man who tells you that money is evil…money is the barometer of a society’s virtue.”

You have Congress on your side, with its continued support for lower taxes on earnings that don’t require any work, most of the gains going to the 20% of Americanswho own 90 percent of the stocks. And you’ve perfected the art of financial subterfuge with illusions that would do a carnival magician proud:

– “Spring Loading”: Timing a stock option to precede good corporate news.

– “Bullet Dodging”: Timing a stock option to follow bad corporate news.

– Back-Dating: Changing the purchase date on a stock option to a time when the price was lower.

– ‘Put’ and ‘Call’ chicanery: Getting a tax credit for a stock loss without actually selling the stock.

– Real Estate rascality: Avoiding taxes on a property sale by calling it a loan.

Never mind that the SEC thinks a lot of this is illegal. And don’t listen to the liberals and radicals who say you should be paying for government-funded research and infrastructure and national security instead of paying tax advisors to find creative loophole strategies.

You, finance grad, will be a self-made man. You don’t need government when you can create your own mini-society with private schools and security forces, a $250,000 playhouse for the kids, a yacht complete with golf course, submarine, beach, and a second-home mortgage deduction.

You will be creating jobs (on the yacht). You will be contributing more and more to our political system. You will be an example for the millions of Americans who plan to earn as much as you, or to be an NBA star. And above all, you can reflect upon what future generations will say you contributed to this world.

More articles by:

CounterPunch Magazine

minimag-edit

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

zen economics

Weekend Edition
June 23, 2017
Friday - Sunday
Jeffrey St. Clair
Democrats in the Dead Zone
Gary Leupp
Trump, Qatar and the Danger of Total Confusion
Andrew Levine
The “Democracies” We Deserve
Jeffrey St. Clair - Joshua Frank
The FBI’s “Operation Backfire” and the Case of Briana Waters
Rob Urie
Cannibal Corpse
Joseph G. Ramsey
Savage Calculations: On the Exoneration of Philando Castile’s Killer
John Wight
Trump’s Attack on Cuba
Dave Lindorff
We Need a Mass Movement to Demand Radical Progressive Change
Brian Cloughley
Moving Closer to Doom
David Rosen
The Sex Offender: the 21st Century Witch
John Feffer
All Signs Point to Trump’s Coming War With Iran
Jennifer L. Lieberman
What’s Really New About the Gig Economy?
Pete Dolack
Analyzing the Failures of Syriza
Vijay Prashad
The Russian Nexus
Mike Whitney
Putin Tries to Avoid a Wider War With the US
Gregory Barrett
“Realpolitik” in Berlin: Merkel Fawns Over Kissinger
Louis Yako
The Road to Understanding Syria Goes Through Iraq
Graham Peebles
Grenfell Tower: A Disaster Waiting to Happen
Ezra Rosser
The Poverty State of Mind and the State’s Obligations to the Poor
Ron Jacobs
Andrew Jackson and the American Psyche
Pepe Escobar
Fear and Loathing on the Afghan Silk Road
Andre Vltchek
Why I Reject Western Courts and Justice
Lawrence Davidson
On Hidden Cultural Corruptors
Christopher Brauchli
The Routinization of Mass Shootings in America
Missy Comley Beattie
The Poor Need Not Apply
Martin Billheimer
White Man’s Country and the Iron Room
Joseph Natoli
What to Wonder Now
Tom Clifford
Hong Kong: the Chinese Meant Business
Thomas Knapp
The Castile Doctrine: Cops Without Consequences
Nyla Ali Khan
Borders Versus Memory
Binoy Kampmark
Death on the Road: Memory in Tim Winton’s Shrine
Tony McKenna
The Oily Politics of Unity: Owen Smith as Northern Ireland Shadow Secretary
Nizar Visram
If North Korea Didn’t Exist US Would Create It
John Carroll Md
At St. Catherine’s Hospital, Cite Soleil, Haiti
Kenneth Surin
Brief Impressions of the Singaporean Conjucture
Paul C. Bermanzohn
Trump: the Birth of the Hero
Jill Richardson
Trump on Cuba: If Obama Did It, It’s Bad
Olivia Alperstein
Our President’s Word Wars
REZA FIYOUZAT
Useless Idiots or Useful Collaborators?
Clark T. Scott
Parallel in Significance
Louis Proyect
Hitler and the Lone Wolf Assassin
Julian Vigo
Theresa May Can’t Win for Losing
Richard Klin
Prog Rock: Pomp and Circumstance
Charles R. Larson
Review: Malin Persson Giolito’s “Quicksand”
David Yearsley
RIP: Pomp and Circumstance
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail