They thought they glimpsed a flash of Rick Perry’s soft underbelly. Eyes certainly strained from behind the Medicare benefit bifocals. Yes, it was a soft underbelly! He showed a moment of compassion by mentioning that it was hardly fair to deny children of illegal immigrants in-state tuition because of a situation they did not create. This caused a dull roar of disagreement amongst the faithful.
The Tea Party decided that this was not just a soft underbelly showing, but possibly a full blown line of mammary glands all just waiting to spray milk. The horror of a newly benevolent (and wimpy) Rick Perry filled them with concern. First the illegals would line up to suckle, then in mere moments, the welfare mommas would arrive (who of course by now includes welfare great-great-great grandmas by Teabagger minority- reproduction math). Probably the next logical step would be Abortionists joining in. Rick’s soft underbelly would nourish them all! The radical right was not impressed by Rick’s lactation potential. They know it’s a slippery slope-that word “empathy”.
I’m sure damage control sessions were rapidly organized after the debate. Perry probably explained that of course he has to placate the Hispanic demographic in his state, but given the chance at the National level, he would drop that particular compassionate ideal faster than he’d drop a potassium filled needle into a retarded guy’s arm. But the damage was done.
It’s a strange, sad time when you’re only a real man if you state that you don’t ever lose sleep over executions, but mention that you are okay with handing out some tuition that isn’t quite punitive enough…well, that’s unforgivable. Even taking some time out to boo the gay soldier wasn’t enough to make them forget Perry’s lapse.
Mitt Romney, the other leading contender, had been deemed unspongeworthy before he even showed up. By unspongeworthy, I mean he’s a Mormon. The radical right, overwhelmingly in the Evangelical Christian camp, knows that this is a faith that has no relevance to them. If Romney had any sense he’d be planting some gold plates of a prophetic nature in the backyards of the Tea Party leaders. Upon unearthing, these plates could indicate that it’s necessary for Evangelical Christians to support Mormons, all because of an eventual battle set to take place in Utah. The bees will buzz, blood will flow and the devil will show up riding an All Terrain Vehicle with a gay sidekick. During the battle, many of the Mormons will change their faith and the others will conveniently die. I’ve heard that sort of thing has worked for other groups needing supportive dupes. But alas, Mitt hasn’t resorted to anything creative like that, so he will remain unspongeworthy for the duration. He will continue to give stilted, embarrassing speeches calling everyone “my friend” as the sheen of his plastic blinds the crowds.
I see these candidates, the “frontrunners” of their party, and I am taken aback by what the proper course of action should be. Community activism? Voting for the least- worst scoundrel? Updating the passport? I’ve come to the conclusion that the answer is Versed. This is a medication which causes memory loss, often used during unpleasant medical procedures. Some guy won’t remember telling the doctor that he had a similar experience at his frat house during the colonoscopy (but your doctor remembers). The drug is quite useful for erasing an entire event and this seems to be the only solution after witnessing these debates or any speech given on the campaign trail. Well, at least a solution for those of us who still feel pain upon realizing we are the same species as all of these clowns.
I’m not forgetting about Obama from planet Mendacity in all of this, he’s simply been fairly quiet during the Republican freakshow. I’m sure we will soon be treated to his newly discovered Populism (but only available in verbal flavor) soon enough. I have noticed that Obama supporters seem to have the ability to produce copious amounts of endogenous Versed, forgetting the promises and purported values of their disappointing suit.
In summary…….We’re gonna need an awful lot of Versed to get through this.
Kathleen Peine can be reached at email@example.com