(Bar near the Capitol Building. Two southern Tea Party members. Sitting at the bar. A quarter bottle of Jim Beam in front of them. They have the style of the traveling salesmen made famous in the 1968 Maysles brothers’ film, “Salesman.” Like other Tea Party congressmen, they’re given to excessive smirks.)
T-A: That fucking Boehner, McConnell and Cantor. Sold us out.
T-B: You telling me. We had a chance to keep a coon out of the White House for the next hundred years. Burn down the world economy like Sherman burned down Atlanta. Blame it on him.
T-A: Could have done the job that the coward Lee couldn’t do in Gettysburg. You see how nervous these Yankees got about the prospect of a default.
T-B: I’ll drink to that. (They bump their glasses.)
T-A: I’m beginning to think—no–.
T-B: No, say it, what’s on your mind?
T-A: (Whispers.) That’s not a tan. Boehner is a jungle bunny like Obama. These two are probably laughing at us while shooting dice in the family quarters. Can you imagine. The Kenyan and his Sambo family eatin’ watermelon in space that was once occupied by…by… Ronald Reagan.
(They pause. Become distant. Misty eyed.)
T-B: I can understand Cantor, the Yid, he’s serving his international banking buddies, but what about McDonnell? I thought he was on our side. He’s a white man. A Southerner like us.
T-A: Look who he’s married to. That’s all you need to know.
T-B: Oh, right. Why didn’t I think of that? A Chink.
T-A: She’s probably got a chip stored in the frames of his bi-focals and passing all of the information on to the Reds. Hell, he might be a Manchurian candidate. That’s why he was against the default, because China would lose a couple of trillion.
T-B: I never thought of it that way. The people in Louisiana were right to elect a genius like you.
T-A: And Tennessee, you.
(They bump glasses. Progressive Congressman Drew Foss approaches. Elegantly dressed. Cufflinks. Expensive cologne. Has had a few Martinis. Puts his hand on T-A’s shoulder, but seeing T-A gives his hand a hostile glance, removes it.)
Drew Foss: You fellas represent the working class’s struggle against Wall Street. So do my people. Some call you racists but I defend you. These are paranoid people who are always playing the race card. We should join forces. Why, I just had a nice talk with Rand Paul. We see eye to eye on a lot of things. Why even Jane Hamsher and Grover Norquist are running buddies. Here’s my card. Call me. (Walks away.)
T-A: (Mocks him.) Here’s my card. Call me. Must be some kind of fag.
T-B: We got to do something about this Muslim in the Oval Office. Telling white men to eat their peas.
T-A: I took my Klan outfit from the attic trunk and sent it to the cleaners when I heard that. The nerve of that prissy nigger.
T-B: But at least we got respect from the media. Maybe they’re not so liberal after all. Praising us.
T-A: Yea, Gloria Bogger of CNN said that we stood by our principles and Michelle Lottle of The Daily Beast said that we were pure.
T-B: Even that commie paper The New York Times is kissing our butt. You see that guy Joe Nocera, apologizing for calling us terrorists?
T-A: Like a little punk assed bitch.
T-B: And that Mark Halperin.
T-A: Mark who?
T-B: You know the guy who was on Joe’s show.
T-A: Oh, right. The guy who called coonskin a dick.
T-B: They suspended him and he came back the other day and was kissing the asses of both Rick Perry and our Tea Party. Said that we were “rational.”
(T-B. orders another bottle. Black bartender brings one.)
T-B- (To bartender.) Too bad about LeBron and Tiger, huh?
(Nudges T-A. They grin. Bartender ignores them. Walks to the end of the bar and continues reading the Washington Post.)
T-B: Yeah we don’t care whether we get re elected or not. We won’t compromise. Tar Baby says he’s for compromise. I got his compromise right here– (Grabs his balls). Boehnor or none of these responsible conservatives (sarcastically) can’t make us tow the line including that jackass McCain. Nobody owns us.
T-A: (Ringtones: “Dixie”) Hello… Oh Mr. Koch. It’s so thrilling to hear from you…We almost got the default but these moderate…. I don’t have to tell you? Thanks for being so understanding, Sir. Right. Right…. thank you Sir.
T-B: The boss says he’s flying us all out to the ranch to plan the next move. They’re sending out an SOS about Wisconsin. Rove
is going to show up. (All choked up.)
T-A: What’s the matter? (Puts his arm about T-B’s shoulder.)
T-B: He said that the Gripper would be proud of us. (They embrace.)
T-A: Let’s get back to the family house. Grab the bottle.
(They climb from the bar stools and begin to leave the bar. On the way out they run into Boehner and his entourage entering for Happy Hour.)
Boehner: Oh, hi Congressman T-A, and T-B. We didn’t get everything that we wanted but it was still a good deal, don’t you think?
T-A: (Pulls down his pants. bends over, and issues a foul gaseous cloud toward the Speaker, who with his entourage rushes into the bar. T-A and T-B can’t stop laughing.)
Copyright© Ishmael Reed 2011.