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Don’t Resign, Congressman Weiner

In case you missed it, a liberal congressman named Anthony Weiner sent a picture of his bulging briefs to a female college student who had invited him to add her to his private Twitter harem. Unfortunately he inserted the wrong code and sent to all his zillion followers, none of whom saw it because he immediately deleted it, except for a rather unsavory guy who was stalking him. Enter right wing fake scandal monger Andrew Breitbart. Congressman Weiner freaks and issues awkwardly false denial. Pictures of other beautiful Weiner Twitter harem girls then appear. One of them proudly confesses to consensual virtual sex with him and publishes the transcript.

Abashed congressman withdraws denial and tearfully cops to being a stupid putz. The next thing you know, Sarah Palin’s totally unpolitical Paul Revere vacation tour (in a bus plastered with ads for her PAC) to warn the British that we aren’t giving up our guns is off the front pages and Weiner’s weiner is getting Nancy Pelosi all hot and bothered, even though the offending picture is not exactly Marky Mark.

Now, as weiner jokes tsunami the Internet, Weiner is in the bunker making apologetic phone calls to Democratic bigshots. Meanwhile, his wife is off being Hillary Clinton’s chief of staff while three months pregnant, arousing teabagger speculation that Hillary is really the baby’s father and that’s why Weiner was resorting to fooling around online instead of saving his precious sperm for post-morning sickness sex. He performed his duty, right? What more do people expect of him? He’s just Hillary’s beard, they chortle.

I think Anthony Weiner and his wife should go on the View and play this out in public like adult human beings. It will be better than Nixon’s Checkers speech. This totally lame scandal is about on the level of getting caught jerking off while looking in the mirror. Like who cares? No body fluids were exchanged. It’s thought crime. I’m sure his wife was annoyed, but she’s his wife. You can be sure she gets annoyed a lot. Don’t they all? I don’t see how voters were involved in this.

The GOP doesn’t see it that way, of course (except for Boehner, who has not ventured an opinion, possibly because the Enquirer is reporting that he’s boning a blonde lady to whom he is definitely not married, as it would be bigamy). Once again, however, Democratic girly men (and women) are showing their utter lack of backbone, just as they stampeded to betray Bill Clinton. This could revive Joe Lieberman’s career as a Quisling sell-out. As usual they let the GOP set the rules and the agenda. This is why we lost the House in 2010. The youth vote does not consider sexting a moral flaw, you know.

I feel Pelosi should carry out an internal investigation and announce that Weiner did nothing illegal or unethical as a congressman. She can admonish him for imprudent behavior. The issue is then closed. Criticisms should be answered with an offer to sacrifice Weiner in exchange for Vitter’s resignation. When they complain that a representative for a senator isn’t a fair exchange, she should answer that life is not fair. If it were, Weiner wouldn’t be under inquisition barrage. Weiner’s and Vitter’s indiscretions are minutiae at worst. No non-theological corporation in the world would fire anyone over this.

I submitted this to HuffPost but tend to doubt that they will let this through. They seem to be in the IMPEACH THE SCOUNDREL camp. One of the moderators will surely kill it for failure to play by feminist political correctness rules. Also, I said jerking off and boning, very immodest terms, far worse than Marky Mark grabbing his own penis. Feminists are understandably offended because Anthony Weiner sent suggestive pictures to ladies he was dating online and they didn’t complain because of being programmed to accept male domination. He must resign because of the ick factor, wrote one otherwise usually sensible female Facebook friend. Sexting with consensual partners is icky, she explained, not because it’s really icky, as in body fluids and all, but because it’s politically icky. I am not making that up.

This is the letter I sent him yesterday instead of doing my assigned work, thereby incurring the annoyance of my bride, the beauteous Anita Brown, who can’t understand why I would find writing about Weinergate more compelling than making money and throwing it away on useless luxuries such as food. Despite that, she brought home flowers for me. Send the little homemaker flowers, Congressman Weiner, preferably white roses. This might not be the right time for a crotch picture, though.

Dear Congressman Weiner:

I don’t live or vote in your district, but I am a New Yorker, even though I’ve lived in Mexico since 1981, in Cancun since 1983. I vote in the Chelsea district, for Jerrold Nadler.

I’m writing to express my 100% support and admiration for you and also to give you some advice. You’ve got to fight back on this one by shaming the shamers. You committed a marital indiscretion, at worst. Your sex life prior to your marriage is nobody’s business but your own. These women sought you out, sent you their pictures and even eagerly cooperated in your mutual loveplay. They enjoyed it and so did you. These were intimate moments that were just as valid as anything that takes place while dating, not to speak of underwear advertising.

You can understand why your partners chose to expose what you did together. It might be considered a betrayal, but you understand how desperate people are in these awful times. Perhaps they also wanted to share the pleasure you had together (if not the publication fees) and even to support you by showing the real you. Now that it’s all out in the open, you invite people to look at these texts and photographs. You even give them a link.

You forcefully assert that you’re not ashamed of anything in them, except for the discomfort that they cause your beloved wife, who is the only victim here. Marriages survive on the ability to absorb and learn from the hurts we inevitably cause each other.

You didn’t promise your constituents that you would submit to castration. You promised you would represent their interests to the best of your ability. You’re sorry that your private life has provided the prudes with a distraction from the real issues that face us today, such as 25 million Americans looking for work.

I truly hope that you will understand and appreciate my advice. Many thanks for your service to the goals and fundamental beliefs of socially progressive people everywhere. I’m proud that you are out there working for me. Talk from the heart. Be funny. Be strong. You can win this.

With my very best wishes for your success.

Jules Siegel lives in Mexico. He can be reached through his blog.

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