The GOP dream ticket has finally emerged. Last week was a heady time for Republicans. As the world as we have known it continued crumbling, the Republicans/Conservatives/Tea Partiers plowed on with their agendas (reduce the budget, eliminate the budget, stop the budget, stop abortion, stop same-sex marriage, eliminate NPR) oblivious of events outside their own myopic perspective. Three stars of the Republican Party gained such high visibility that their futures are assured. Are you ready for this?
Donald Trump for President.
Michelle Bachman for Vice President.
Sarah Palin for Secretary of State.
Who could be a better presidential candidate—his party’s choice—than The Donald? Americans are not interested in politics or politicians; they’re interested in personalities, especially those who go astray. Cheat on your wife, don’t pay your taxes, take a few drugs, make obscene amounts of money and then lose it, get divorced and quickly remarried—these are the stories that Americans love more than anything else and The Donald has all the resilience (including his survival down through the years) and unlimited self-interest to guarantee his election if placed at the top of the ticket.
Forget The Donald’s biggest problems: he’s ugly and he’s boring. That boredom, at least, can be balanced by tapping Michelle Bachman for Vice President. Boring she is not, but rather a constant source of attention, particularly for fact-checkers who have had to go into overtime ever since she appeared on the national stage. As Vice President, she’d have plenty of free time to take a few courses—American history, American constitutional law, American tax reform, American ethics—at any of the numerous universities in the District of Columbia which will assure her own election to the presidency after The Donald has completed his two terms.
Since Sarah Palin has to be placated—now that she’s lost a bit of her luster, except to her base—so why not take advantage of that base and announce even before the election that Palin will be Secretary of State? She’s gained vast international experience during the past two years. During her recent trip to India, she was able to warn Indians of the imminent threat from their neighbor, China, the danger of which they were totally unaware before her visit. If Palin were Secretary of State, she wouldn’t need to run herself ragged as Hillary Clinton has done, hopping all around the world. Without leaving Alaska, Palin could make all decisions from the TV studio in her home and still have enough time for the next installment of her reality show.
And the ideal GOP platform for the 2012 election? Eliminate all taxes for the wealthy so that their enormous income will continue to trickle down and help everyone else, as has been the case since Ronald Reagan introduced supply-side economics. Eliminate all business taxes so that businesses can continue the unprecedented hiring push that they have pursued ever since the economic collapse as their profits have escalated. Cut all unnecessary government programs: education, health, energy, infrastructure, and—now that National Airport has shown that they are unnecessary—air traffic controllers.
Bring in the clowns.
CHARLES R. LARSON is Professor of Literature at American University, in Washington, D.C.