Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin has promised to create 250, 0000 jobs. Thus far, he has rejected roughly a billion dollars in Federal funds for broad-band internet, and other infrastructure; included in the Governor’s rebuff was the high-speed rail project, his action forcing Talgo Inc., to abandon major operations in Milwaukee, costing the State of Wisconsin in up to 4,732 jobs by 2012. The Spanish-owned train manufacturer, only recently set up location in Milwaukee, lured by the high-speed rail project.
One could say he seems to be off to a slow start on the job creation front. Given the character of his economic policies I decided to help out by defining a list of job descriptions commensurate with the economic policies he is promoting.
Concubine/Handmaiden: Wisconsin’s new “right to work” state environment will create an even greater class divide. The über-wealthy will want to create more male heirs and little, grizzly-bear, pre-moms than one wife could possible manage.
Prostitute: When the rich start getting their tax breaks, there will be a lot more disposable income and unemployed women available for the stables… The miracle of Adam Smith solving yet another problem! In short, as the Governor declared, “Wisconsin is Open for Business!”
Fluffer: Once married rich guys get a taste of these young girls there will be an inflation of 24/7 Viagra enabled erections. Surely there will be plenty of young pretties without jobs to deal with this ensuing inflation crisis and the need to have the ladies to keep um at the ready. Gentlemen in River Hills (read: exclusive rich Republican stronghold), are you ready?
Child laborer: Republican Missouri state legislator Jane Cunningham, proposes rolling back child labor laws. Just as Wisconsin needs to be competitive with states that have rolled back unions under the Orwellian titled “right to work,” so must Wisconsin keep pace on the child labor front. Who else can get their fingers between the fast moving gears factory machinery? Besides, the filthy buggers need to earn their keep!
Scapegoats: When Walker’s recessionary policies cause the clusterfuck of reduced employment and falling tax revenues, someone, just not the Governor, will have to man up and take responsibility.
Astroturf Robots: Once the chaos hits, there will be an exponential growth in the need for the already legion number of corporate funded shills on the comment sections of our major media sites reflecting “public” (wink) opinion. Most specifically needed, are shills who can deftly shift from arguing that raising taxes on those making over $250,000 is unjust, given that this income is required for a middle class living. Then, without missing a beat, quickly pirouetting and arguing that teachers with Masters degrees making $48,000 a year are greedy scum that need to stop stealing from Wall Street.
Indentured servant: Labor markets need to be way more flexible. This might be a means to leapfrog in front of other states that also have “right to work” laws on the labor (in) flexibility front.
Sin-Eater: Resurrection of the medieval practice of paying the wretched (which Walker promises to create in record numbers) to ritualistically eat the sins’ of the wealthy.
Yes Men: By all reports, “Master Walker” is a vain little boy. Ergo, we will need a commensurate number of sycophants to assuage his ego.
Governor: Given the recall madness Walker has launched by his stubbornness and policies discordant with the public will, we will now need new Governors every year–a 400% growth rate over the current need! This is a veritable New Deal jobs creation program!
Live Organ Donor: This is a position that will provide the idle poor an opportunity to give something back to the job creators. Those with a truly entrepreneurial spirit can seize upon an even greater opportunity, in the high demand for livers. Moreover, most everybody can actually sell parts of your liver because it grows back. It’s a renewable resource. However, the potential for this market is limited given Wisconsin and its declining incomes are generating ever more alcoholism and thus less healthy portions of liver to cleave off.
Gubernatorial Food Taster: The Governor has revealed that although he continues to eat his traditional bag lunch of a simple ham and cheese sandwiches, he now has the Governor’s kitchen staff prepare it. Who knows what goes on in that unregulated workplace?
Poet Laureate: The Governor may have been too hasty in terminating this handsomely paid $2000 a year position. He might want to look at the legions of poets put to work rhapsodizing over Joseph Stalin’s endless virtues to see how this can be put to use in his service.
Script Writers: The Governor’s webpage bio provides plenty of material for laughs and college-beer drinking games with its 1930’s Frank Capra “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” hokum. This Horatio Alger story of the simple boy made good carrying his brown-bag lunch will require lots of maintenance, as the Governor’s endless genuflections to robber barons are made visible.
Collaborator/Informant: The Governor will need plenty of these given the cynical environment his rule will create. Good news, though, they can usually be bought for the price of flattery! No need to bust the budget on this one!
Town Drunk: Not sure yet how this one will pay, but the raw material will certainly be there!
Sign Makers: Given the coming chaos, sign makers will be needed for the legions of unemployed to advertise “will work for food” and other services.
Town Crier: After Governor Walker devastates public education, we will need a literate few that cry out the news on public squares. From the quality of reader comments tendered (roughly on par with an angry Homer Simpson) on the Milwaukee Journal/Sentinel’s (Wisconsin’s largest circulation newspaper) website, we will need this service sooner than later.
ERIC JEFFERSON is a Milwaukee poet, one of the artists featured at Word Verse, A Ko-Thi dance Co. sponsored event. He was also, one of the artists featured at “Local Solo—a night of performance art”, part of Walker’s Point Center for the Arts presentation of cutting edge work by emerging artists. He created a spoken word piece for Walker’s Point’s show (re)Evolution and live in Milwaukee’s inner-city. Recently his ‘Dear Milwaukee’ essay was published on the NPR website for their program State of the ReUnion