FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

The Re-Education of Helen Thomas

by CHRISTOPHER KETCHAM

Moab.

Note: These thoughts were implanted in Helen Thomas’ brain after a long and grueling surgical intervention conducted by Likudnik neurosurgeons, who were assisted by U.S. Congressmen, the White House press pool and a dozen rhesus macaques dressed as newspaper publishers.  The surgeons found that sections of Thomas’ conscience were difficult to get at.

IMPLANT: Israel the best.  Best.  Love Israel.  Love love love.  Chosen ones.  Big time.  All the time.  Must.  Kiss.  Israeli.  Ass.   Now!  Do it!  Chosen!  No questions for Israelis.   Freedom, truth, beauty, justice – Western values on the barricades.   When Palestinians kill, terror.  When Israelis kill, freedom and justice.   Our falafel better than Arab falafel.

THOMAS’ CONSCIENCE: Lying shithead hypocrite assholes.

IMPLANT: Helen, listen to me: you are just an old bag of bones with a pen.   We are the CHOSEN ONES!   Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel Israel –

THOMAS’ CONSCIENCE: Oh to hell with Israel already. Don’t we have more important things to think about –

[Surgeon 1 to Surgeon 2: “Need some help here.”  Fellow American journalists enter in chains carrying press passes, whose dull edges they use to poke at Thomas’ exposed brain-flesh]

JOURNALISTS IN CHAINS: Oh ee oh.  Oh ee oh.

IMPLANT: Helen, good little Helen: Come.  Yes.  That’s it.   Now…wittle Isweal thweatened, googoo gaga.  Need help, need money and weapons to make cwadle of civiwization safe for peace and justice.  Isweal make kaka in Amewican mouth!  Tasteee Fweedom Kaka!

THOMAS: Lies and terror – state terror.  Nothing but state terror.

[Surgeon 2: “Lost cause?”  Surgeon 1: “Shut her down.”  They turn to the Journalists in Chains.  In a single balletic motion, the Journalists drop their pants and piss on her.  Thomas’ conscience is no match for the flood of urine that buoys her up and out of the room.  Journalists, with pants around ankles, congratulate each other.]

CHRISTOPHER KETCHAM, a freelance writer in Brooklyn, NY, is writing a book about secession movements. Contact him at cketcham99@mindspring.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WORDS THAT STICK

 

More articles by:

Christopher Ketcham is a freelance writer.  You can write him at cketcham99@mindspring.com or see more of his work at christopherketcham.com.

Weekend Edition
January 19, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Paul Street
Dr. King’s Long Assassination
David Roediger
A House is Not a Hole: (Not) Caring about What Trump Says
George Burchett
How the CIA Tried to Bribe Wilfred Burchett
Mike Whitney
Trump’s Plan B for Syria: Occupation and Intimidation
Michael Hudson – Charles Goodhart
Could/Should Jubilee Debt Cancellations be Reintroduced Today?
Marshall Auerback – Franklin C. Spinney
Boss Tweet’s Generals Already Run the Show
Andrew Levine
Remember, Democrats are Awful Too
James Bovard
Why Ruby Ridge Still Matters
Wilfred Burchett
The Bug Offensive
Brian Cloughley
Now Trump Menaces Pakistan
Ron Jacobs
Whiteness and Working Folks
Jeffrey St. Clair
The Keeper of Crazy Beats: Charlie Haden and Music as a Force of Liberation
Robert Fantina
Palestine and Israeli Recognition
Jan Oberg
The New US Syria “Strategy”, a Recipe For Continued Disaster
ADRIAN KUZMINSKI
The Return of the Repressed
Mel Gurtov
Dubious Partnership: The US and Saudi Arabia
Robert Fisk
The Next Kurdish War Looms on the Horizon
Lawrence Davidson
Contextualizing Sexual Harassment
Jeff Berg
Approaching Day Zero
Karl Grossman
Disaster Island
Thomas S. Harrington
What Nerve! In Catalonia They are Once Again Trying to Swear in the Coalition that Won the Most Votes
Pepe Escobar
Rome: A Eulogy
Robert Hunziker
Will Aliens Save Humanity?
Jonah Raskin
“Can’t Put the Pot Genie Back in the Bottle”: An Interview with CAL NORML’s Dale Gieringer
Stepan Hobza
Beckett, Ionesco, and Trump
Joseph Natoli
The ‘Worlding’ of the Party-less
Julia Stein
The Myths of Housing Policy
George Ochenski
Zinke’s Purge at Interior
Christopher Brauchli
How Trump Killed the Asterisk
Rosemary Mason - Colin Todhunter
Corporate Monopolies Will Accelerate the Globalisation of Bad Food, Poor Health and Environmental Catastrophe
Michael J. Sainato
U.S Prisons Are Ending In-Person Visits, Cutting Down On Reading Books
Michael Barker
Blame Game: Carillion or Capitalism?
Binoy Kampmark
The War on Plastic
Cindy Sheehan – Rick Sterling
Peace Should Be Integral to the Women’s March
Kevin Zeese - Margaret Flowers
No Foreign Bases!
Matthew Stevenson
Into Africa: Across the Boer Heartland to Pretoria
Joe Emersberger
What’s Going On in Ecuador? An Interview With Wladimir Iza
Clark T. Scott
1918, 1968, 2018: From Debs to Trump
Cesar Chelala
Women Pay a Grievous Price in Congo’s Conflict
Michael Welton
Secondly
Robert Koehler
The Wisdom of Mass Salvation
Seth Sandronsky
Misreading Edu-Reform 
Ann Garrison
Full-Spectrum Arrogance: US Bases Span the Globe
Louis Proyect
Morality Tales on the American Malaise: the Films of Rick Alverson
David Yearsley
Winston and Paddington: Marianelli’s Musical Bears
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail