Barack Obama should be impeached.
He is wasting the country’s valuable time, frittering away the hours with needless minutiae.
Item: Obama’s obsession with basketball. Earlier this week, the President spent seven minutes filling out a bracket and predicting the result of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Duke’s coach Mike Krzy(crazy?)zewski responded that the President should focus his time on the nation’s troubled economy and not on basketball. Most real Americans concur, even though many of them will devote hours to watching the forthcoming games.
Item: Obama’s appearance on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” an utterly frivolous event, so insignificant that not one American even watched the show, resulting in the network’s poorest ratings in more than a decade. So outraged was Arizona’s Senator Jon Kyl (R) when he learned about the scheduled broadcast that he ordered the President to cancel his appearance and address the AIG controversy instead.
Item: Obama’s fixation on his daughters’ desire for a First Puppy. This is, of course, the straw that has broken the backs of most Americans’ patience. The American Feline Society is already on record as trying to thwart the attempted adoption of a dog (should it occur) in the interest of equal rights. “How can the President offend so many cat lovers,” the society’s president, Felicity Meow, sputtered when she learned about Obama’s preoccupation with canines.
Since presidents of the United States are chosen by the American people, they have no right to spend a moment of their time on family matters, hobbies, personal interests, or—worse—associate with TV personalities. “After all,” Senator Kyl stated in an off-the-record moment, “we own the President. He is there to do what we want and not what he wants to do.”
Other Republican senators agree. Speaking without attribution, one of them remarked, “Obama’s been President for two months. Shouldn’t he have fixed everything by now?”
Impeachment proceedings are being drawn up by Senator Kyl, along with the other Senator from Arizona, and expected to be presented to the full Senate on Monday.
CHARLES R. LARSON is Professor of Literature at American University in Washington, D.C. His books include Under African Skies, Worlds of Fiction, The Ordeal of the African Writer and Academia Nuts. He can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org