Look at your paycheck. Did your company take out again for Iraqi quagmire-maintenance? Now, look around. Is the crime rate going up in your neighborhood? Do you suspect your nifty new iPhone is tracking your every move? Are you worried that the economic meltdown will leave you homeless, starving, and naked in the streets? Perhaps you are already homeless, starving, and naked in the streets with your new iPhone? Would you agree there is a Problem?
You know what the Problem is, don’t you? Heterosexuals. I have evidence.
Everywhere you go – there they are. Walking. Talking. Eating. Buying things. Going to the “Men” or the “Ladies” room.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that sort of thing. We all have our repulsive little quirks, I suppose. Some of my best friends are straight: “heavy in the loafer”; “friends of Britney,” if you will. We admire these people for their sports stadiums; their automated tollbooths; that slaphappy sit-com humor that has allowed Heterosexuals to survive centuries of hardship. But there are limits.
Marriage, for instance. Show me where in the Bible it says that two people of opposing genders, by becoming legally wed, should be able to get Social Security, Food Stamps, and Income Tax benefits.
Shocking? Yes! SIMPLY BY GETTING MARRIED, Heterosexuals derive some 1,400 entitlements – approximately 1,000 federal and 400 state – FEW OF WHICH CAN BE OBTAINED OUTSIDE THE BONDS OF LEGAL MATRIMONY! Imagine Heterosexuals being allowed to visit spouses in hospitals; claiming joint privileges to adopt and raise children; gaining immigrant residency status; obtaining bereavement or sick leave. Disgusting!
AND THAT’S WHY WE’RE IN THE MESS WE’RE IN TODAY!
These “special rights” invoked by connubially-wedded Heterosexuals have upset the natural order of things. They are against God’s Plan for Us. Hark: you can almost hear God retching.
I admit they had me fooled for a while. At first, Heterosexuals appeared to be just another harmless identity group. They stayed in their place. We tolerated them. Heck, weren’t we all “just people”?
Then I got up the nerve to enroll in the School of American Ballet. My application was turned down: they wanted someone whose posture was a little “straighter.” The economy started to tank and several of my friends were “laid” off their jobs. A nuclear family moved into our neighborhood – and rents skyrocketed.
So I began to look around. I realized that what I had been watching was part of a carefully orchestrated plan. “They teach god-knows-what filth in our schools,” I thought, “inherit each other’s estates, get conjugal visits in prison – and there’s nothing we can do about it.”
Or was there? I got some facts. Did you know that:
*Heterosexuals comprise at least 90% of the population?
*That this “population” is teeming with huge numbers of muggers, pickpockets, corporate polluters, slumlords, child pornographers, and fascist dictators?
*It therefore follows that at least 90% of all muggers, pickpockets, corporate polluters, slumlords, child pornographers, and fascist dictators are … HETEROSEXUALS!!!
WHY ARE THESE DEVIANTS ALLOWED TO MARRY EACH OTHER? DON’T THEY HAVE ENOUGH RIGHTS?
I have begun an anthropomorphic study of Heterosexuals. Oh, they start off innocently enough. As babies, Heterosexuals are often quite cute. Many of them, however, cry all night and drool a lot – the first signs that something is not right.
As Heterosexuals grow older, they watch TV for hours – depraved programs such as “Family Guy” or “MASH” reruns, designed to implant the psychosexual desire ONLY for others of the “opposite” sex. Then they go outdoors to engage in shame-based playtime activities such as “house” or “doctor.” Soon, all they can think of is buying nudity-promoting hygiene products and getting a place of their own, so they can procure other Heterosexuals with whom to enjoy frequent and legal erotic relations. Thus are they indoctrinated into HETEROSEXUALITY’S MATRIMONIAL DOMINATION OF THE ENTIRE GLOBE!!!
Accident? No! Through patient research, I have uncovered a vast, international conspiracy of Militant Heterosexuals who seek total worldwide supremacy over Planet Earth! Their behavior is being constantly monitored by their Militant Heterosexual president, Big Breeder. “Big Breeder Is Watching” is one of the mottos of the Breederhood. Others include: (1) Freedom is Marriage; (2) War Is Cute When It’s Between the Sexes; and (3) Ignorance Of And Alienation From My Wondrously Protean, Polymorphous Libido Is A Small Price To Pay For World Domination.
Ignoring the problem won’t make it go away. So get righteous: Go up to each and every Heterosexual you see on the street. Ask them to think about the chaos in the Middle East and the economic meltdown; about domestic surveillance and starving in the streets. Tell them THEY have caused these problems.
Then get them to give you their paychecks.
SUSIE DAY can be reached at: sday@skadden.com
© SUSIE DAY, 2008