Click amount to donate direct to CounterPunch
  • $25
  • $50
  • $100
  • $500
  • $other
  • use PayPal
Spring Fund Drive: Keep CounterPunch Afloat
CounterPunch is a lifeboat of sanity in today’s turbulent political seas. Please make a tax-deductible donation and help us continue to fight Trump and his enablers on both sides of the aisle. Every dollar counts!
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

A Glimpse Inside the Head of Joe the Plumber

For those who were fortunate enough to watch, McCain campaign advisers Samuel J. Wurzelbacher and Joe the Plumber recently appeared in special Fox News broadcast featuring a roundtable discussion with Neil Cavuto and Laura Ingraham.

Wurzelbacher, a noted Toledo-based economist, sported a gold-lamé designer Buckeye sweatshirt over rhinestone studded, skin tight DKNY blue jeans (purchased by the RNC) which accented his well-developed quads.   But as Wurzelbacher piously told his host and hostess, “It’s not just about clothes.  It’s about lifestyle.”

As McCain’s most trusted economic adviser, Wurzelbacher’s lifestyle has raised some fashion-maven eyebrows for its flash and dazzle style.  Wurzelbacher also has achieved notoriety for carrying the portable head of Joe the Plumber in his muscular left arm.

As Cavuto astutely noted by way of introduction, “Wurzelbacher and Joe the Plumber’s head, which serves as his oracle, are virtually inseparable.”

Hostess Laura Ingraham looked lithesome, as always, in Gypsy haute couture and a multi-colored Gucci scarf (purchased by the RNC) wrapped around her forehead.  As the show began Ingraham carefully took Joe’s big bald head from Wurzelbacher and screwed it down on a round table covered with a dark red satin cloth decorated with obscure signs and symbols.  Once fastened securely in place, the ectoplasmic cranium turned crystal clear and began to emit an esoteric glow that entranced everyone in the Fox News studio.

Cavuto, in a striped grey worsted suit and clashing yellow silk tie (purchased by the RNC), began the panel discussion by asking Wurzelbacher “What does an Obama presidency, God forbid, mean for America?”

Slowly, dramatically, Wurzelbacher put his steady hands on either side of the Big Bald Ball while deftly inserting a quarter in the left ear.  Then he whispered sotto voce.  “Tell me Joe.  Tell me the future!”

Three million Fox viewers sat in characteristically thoughtless silence as Joe’s mouth dropped open and words tumbled out.  “I’m scared for this country,” he spoke.  “I am very scared for all America.”

Inserting another quarter, Wurzelbacher beseeched the clairvoyant craniate: “Why, Joe?  Why are you scared?”

Joe spoke: “If elected president, Barrack Hussein Obama is going to raise taxes on the entire middle class!”

Cavuto and Ingraham nodded solemnly in agreement.

“The black deviltry of Hussein’s hordes knows no bounds,” Ingraham seethed, visibly afraid for her virtue.

Cavuto added knowledgeably, “According to Republican presidential candidate John McCain, “they” have even accessed into Joe’s background!”

“It is political retribution, pure and simple,” Ingraham observed.

“What was Joe’s crime?” Cavuto inquired of Wurzelbacher.

“He exposed Obama as an African born Muslim and Communist who wants to spread the wealth around.”
Ingraham gasped.  “It’s deviltry, for a private citizen to ask a question of his elected leaders and then turn around and get a proctology exam.   That’s just wrong.”

“If this is the way the Obama administration is going to conduct itself the American people should know,” Cavuto warned.

“Let’s ask Joe what he thinks,” Ingraham suggested.

Once again Wurzelbacher rubbed Joe’s round white shiny head, which this time turned translucent.  Wurzelbacher cautiously slipped a quarter in the designated ear and asked the paranormal plumber, “How can Obama stare down Putin, if he couldn’t deal with you?”

Joe blurted, “Obama will visit a financial plague upon America far worse than anything Bush hath wrought in his eight years of unholy congress with Republicans!”

Cavuto and Ingraham were visibly taken back by Joe’s exclamation, insofar as he had, in all his previous Fox News séances, proven his undying loyalty to Supreme Skinhead Stupert Murdock, an Australian noted – like his fellow “medium,” the Reverend Sunset Moon – for meddling in American politics and channeling subliminal CIA messages.

Ignoring Joe’s comment about “worse than anything Bush has wrought,” Cavuto quickly prompted Wurzelbacher to ask Joe how he felt Obama palling around with terrorist Bill Ayers.”
.
This time, however, the quarter got stuck in the chrome dome and Wurzelbacher had to whack it to get it going.  The coin fell into the slotted skull with a clank, and Joe sputtered, “Where’s my god-damned left-handed wrench?”

Ingraham leaned over, exposing her ample bosom, and smacked it real hard, prompting a torrent of one-liners: “McCain is a politician and his campaign promises can’t be trusted!  McCain says Palin’s a diva, but I think she’s sexy and I want to run on her ticket in 2112! Senator Stevens is guilty as sin!  Obama is way cool….”

At this point it was painfully obvious that a screw had come loose in the Fox News Hour’s Mighty Wurlitzer.  It was definitely not on its divine message anymore.

Cavuto turned to Wurzelbacher and, with utter dismay said, “We paid twenty dollars for this!  Maybe we should have tried the palm reader or…or…or an Astrologer?”

“Well,” Wurzelbacher retorted, “Why not ask him something practical?  Just last week Joe channeled a carpenter’s dead grandmother and she told us where she hid the box of gold coins she saved all her life.”

As Wurzelbacher spoke, he turned Joe’s head upside down; inside, snow started falling on a quaint New England village.

“The average plumber would pay less in taxes under Obama than McCain,” Joe said, adding gratuitously that “US Special Forces on a CIA mission snuffed a smuggler in Syria and snatched two of his accomplices.  The bastards killed his family as a warning to others who would funnel fighters, weapons and cash into Iraq!”

“Destroy it, before it speaks again,” Ingraham pleaded.

“Cut the cameras,” Cavuto screamed, grabbing for the mutant mouthpiece.

But Wurzelbacher held Joe’s head aloft and, as the cameras faded, you could see through a mist a cute little gerbil running inside a wheel.

DOUGLAS VALENTINE is the author of four books which are available at his websites http://www.members.authorsguild.net/valentine/ and http://www.douglasvalentine.com/index.html His fifth book, The Strength of the Pack: The Politics, Personalities and Espionage Intrigues That Shaped The DEA, will be published in September 2009 by Trine Day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More articles by:
May 21, 2018
Ron Jacobs
Gina Haspell: She’s Certainly Qualified for the Job
Uri Avnery
The Day of Shame
Amitai Ben-Abba
Israel’s New Ideology of Genocide
Patrick Cockburn
Israel is at the Height of Its Power, But the Palestinians are Still There
Frank Stricker
Can We Finally Stop Worrying About Unemployment?
Binoy Kampmark
Royal Wedding Madness
Roy Morrison
Middle East War Clouds Gather
Edward Curtin
Gina Haspel and Pinocchio From Rome
Juana Carrasco Martin
The United States is a Country Addicted to Violence
Dean Baker
Wealth Inequality: It’s Not Clear What It Means
Robert Dodge
At the Brink of Nuclear War, Who Will Lead?
Vern Loomis
If I’m Lying, I’m Dying
Valerie Reynoso
How LBJ initiated the Military Coup in the Dominican Republic
Weekend Edition
May 18, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Andrew Levine
The Donald, Vlad, and Bibi
Robert Fisk
How Long Will We Pretend Palestinians Aren’t People?
Jeffrey St. Clair
Wild at Heart: Keeping Up With Margie Kidder
Roger Harris
Venezuela on the Eve of Presidential Elections: The US Empire Isn’t Sitting by Idly
Michael Slager
Criminalizing Victims: the Fate of Honduran Refugees 
John Laforge
Don’t Call It an Explosion: Gaseous Ignition Events with Radioactive Waste
Carlo Filice
The First “Fake News” Story (or, What the Serpent Would Have Said)
Dave Lindorff
Israel Crosses a Line as IDF Snipers Murder Unarmed Protesters in the Ghetto of Gaza
Gary Leupp
The McCain Cult
Robert Fantina
What’s Wrong With the United States?
Jill Richardson
The Lesson I Learned Growing Up Jewish
David Orenstein
A Call to Secular Humanist Resistance
W. T. Whitney
The U.S. Role in Removing a Revolutionary and in Restoring War to Colombia
Rev. William Alberts
The Danger of Praying Truth to Power
Alan Macleod
A Primer on the Venezuelan Elections
John W. Whitehead
The Age of Petty Tyrannies
Franklin Lamb
Have Recent Events Sounded the Death Knell for Iran’s Regional Project?
Brian Saady
How the “Cocaine Mitch” Saga Deflected the Spotlight on Corruption
David Swanson
Tim Kaine’s War Scam Hits a Speed Bump
Norah Vawter
Pipeline Outrage is a Human Issue, Not a Political Issue
Mel Gurtov
Who’s to Blame If the US-North Korea Summit Isn’t Held?
Patrick Bobilin
When Outrage is Capital
Jessicah Pierre
The Moral Revolution America Needs
Binoy Kampmark
Big Dead Place: Remembering Antarctica
John Carroll Md
What Does It Mean to be a Physician Advocate in Haiti?
George Ochenski
Saving Sage Grouse: Another Collaborative Failure
Sam Husseini
To the US Government, Israel is, Again, Totally Off The Hook
Brian Wakamo
Sick of Shady Banks? Get a Loan from the Post Office!
Colin Todhunter
Dangerous Liaison: Industrial Agriculture and the Reductionist Mindset
Ralph Nader
Trump: Making America Dread Again
George Capaccio
Bloody Monday, Every Day of the Week
Barbara Nimri Aziz
Swing Status, Be Gone
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail