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Why I’m Voting for Obama

by DOUGLAS VALENTINE

Reason 1. First and foremost, I’m so sick and tired of the degenerate line of white male losers we’ve endured since Nixon slithered into the hen house.   Followed by unelected, unelectable Ford, hapless Jimmy Carter, the Gipper (scourge of welfare mothers), inbred Bush I, devoid of soul, and his idiot son Bush II, separated by Clinton the despoiler.

True, Obama lacks JFK’s spark and eloquence, and he doesn’t fool me for a second.  He’s a corporate shill.  But he looks different enough to represent change.  And if ever this anemic body politic needed an injection of some small strain of unpasteurized blood in its hemophiliac veins, it is now.  We’re bleeding to death from paper cuts!

Reason 2.  Because the racists hate him so much.  The Fox News racists.  The trembling white women afraid of being raped by gang-banger racists.  The Ed Bradley “I’m not a racist” racists. The Jewish Catholic WASP racists.  The semi, demi and (most of all) Secret Service Navy SEAL Humvee racists.  Throw in the Joint Chiefs of Police, Wall Street, and Joe six-pack racists.

I want to see them seethe and squirm, like disparaging John McCain did in debates one and two, when he couldn’t even look at Obama and called him “That one.”  I want Obama to appoint O J Simpson as his chief of staff, 50-Cent as his press secretary, Bill Ayers as director of the FBI, and fat baggy-panted rappers to all cabinet and ambassadorial posts.

The racists have sold our collective soul to the devil and only Obama is dark enough to provide the contrast we need to survive our chronic fatal terminal paleness.

Reason 3.  Michelle.  She’s Jackie without the pill box hat and broom stick rammed up her ass.  She’s elegant and smart, loose and muscular.  Wrap your arms around America, Michele. Hold us together and keep us warm.

I should add, I don’t really care if McCain wins, just as long as he dies before January 20, 2009 and Homespun Sarah Palin ascends.  And not because she and Todd use H R Block, which fucked up my father’s taxes back in 1988 and cost him thousands of dollars in penalty fees he couldn’t afford.

Crazy Sarah would be some kind of change too.  She is the mirror image of our mediocrity, peasant smart but unwise in the matters of class struggle, and everything else that matters.  With Her as president all the wobbling moral, financial, and military props will collapse like the World Trade Towers on 9/11.  She is the Big Car, Big Gun, Big Mouth mother of the end of the line.

Come to think of it, maybe I’ll vote for McCain…..

DOUGLAS VALENTINE is the author of four books which are available at his websites http://www.members.authorsguild.net/valentine/ and http://www.douglasvalentine.com/index.html His fifth book, The Strength of the Pack: The Politics, Personalities and Espionage Intrigues That Shaped The DEA, will be published in September 2009 by Trine Day.

 

 

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