Sarah Palin isn’t the only woman running for Vice President in this season’s U.S. Presidential sweepstakes. There is another candidate for the office on Number One Observatory Circle who also happens to have a vagina, and that candidate happens to be me. Governor Palin and I have more in common than two X chromosomes: We both favor lipstick politics, love our supportive manly husbands, enjoy handling phallic objects – in her case a rifle, and in mine, a vibrator – and neither of us have had much of any government experience on the national stage at all.
Then there are our outfits: I’m in lingerie all the way, and the Governor’s in a bikini. Yes, that bikini shot was a fake – just Sarah Palin’s head jauntily photoshopped onto the bikini model’s rifle-wielding body – but the zeitgeist is that it authentically conveys the Spirit of Sarah (Lord have mercy). That is, even in her sensible business suits, desert camo, cuddly parkas or hunting gear, and always in those sultry stern “Tina Fey” specs, Sarah Palin exudes sex.
Which brings up a big difference between the Governor and me: Sarah might exude sex, but she’s against sex education. I’m a sex educator. I believe that education is power, and sex education is sexual power, the power to attract and cultivate healthy, exciting, relatively safe, mutual beneficial relationships, the power to give and receive pleasure, the power to love and be loved. Why do we all need a good sex education? Because repression relies on ignorance. We need education in the sexual sciences to wipe out damaging, sometimes deadly superstitions and misinformation. We need education in the sexual arts to help improve our erotic lives and to keep our families together. We need education in sexual psychology and philosophy to help us determine our sexual nature and cultivate it in a fulfilling, ethical, manner.
Sarah Palin believes that “faith-based…abstinence only” is the only kind of sex education anybody should get, and we’ve all seen how well that works with her own daughter. Saying no to sex education is just one cornerstone of Sarah Palin’s anti-sex/anti-nature platform; on abortion, same-sex marriage, evolution and stem cell research, she is somewhere to the right of the Pope, Dr. Laura and the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.
Another big difference between Sarah and me involves our fellow earthly creatures: I want to save the bonobos. She wants to gas the polar bears. I’m no vegetarian, but the Governor seems to glory (hallelujah!) in her “God-given” dominion over the local fauna to a sadistic, fetishistic degree. Or maybe she just flaunts her dominionist style to impress her red meat-hungry fans. With her grizzly bear throw rugs, airborne wolf-shooting games, plush fox (or is that wolf?) collars and fur fetish photo-ops surrounded by horny Vikings, Sarah Palin is the 21st Century Venus in Furs.
Which brings out the difference in our approaches to power. There are two ways to get it (so they say): through fear and through love. I tend to go through love. Sarah Palin is all about fear. And boy oh boy, is she scary, especially to women and girls who have wished and worked all their lives to get a female in the White House, and now this anti-feminist Puritan threatening to set women and humanity back a few decades could well be the one who gets in. As for men, if they’re not down on their knees, they’re nervously protecting their balls.
The Alaskan Governor is the quintessential dominatrix, the Queen of Cold with a warm smile and a wicked style. This is a key to her appeal. Americans, who reelected (overlooking, for the moment, the possibility of voting machine fraud) the Bush Crime Family Torture Masters in 2004, apparently have a strong masochistic streak. An attractive, powerful, moralizing domme makes us weak in the knees. Americans are bowing down before this woman like lovestruck submissives, giving up their rights to peace, pleasure, freedom, a clean environment and any sense of respect from the world. Like Austrian novelist Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch’s 19th century classic Venus in Furs, Sarah Palin looks stunning in fur, wields a mean leather whip and has utter disdain for your pain. And this Venus also wields a cross as a sword.
Which brings up a difference that’s thicker than lipstick: I’m for the separation of Church and State, and the Governor is running as a Messenger from God. And that’s no vague conceptual God. That’s not the Jewish God, nor the Muslim, Buddhist nor Hindu God, and it’s certainly not the Goddess. Sarah Palin’s God is The Christian God with a capital crusading C, and she is His Messenger. And if you don’t accept Jesus as your Savior and the Republican party as your overlords, get out of the way of her snowmobilee. This is Sarah’s world and you’re just running from her bullets in it.
That’s another key disparity in our philosophies: I’m all about Peace through Pleasure. Sarah’s for Drilling and Killing. How can such a saintly woman be so brutal? Easy. See, candidates like me, who aren’t absolutely postive that God is on our side, or even that He or She exists, feel the need to be diplomatic, to work for the good of society, and the planet. People that speak with God directly, like Governor Sarah and Mad King Lameduck George, don’t sweat such small stuff, what with God Himself IM’ing them to rain bombs on civilians, plunge the economy into ruin and pillage the planet. Praise the Lord.
But back to us ladies. Here’s something else we have in common: Neither of us has been invited to Bohemian Grove (unlike McCain, Obama and all the male Bushes). I know a few of the BG’s secrets, but Sarah has a better chance of being the first female leader that these Greek love powerbrokers invite to their “top secret” Midsummer Night’s Bacchanals in the Redwoods. I’m sure they’re already fantasizing about Governor Sarah sporting a strap-on. Shhhh….
Which brings us to censorship: I’m against it (just in case you don’t know). Sarah Palin tries to ban books from libraries. And then there’s the war in Iraq (I’m against it). Sarah Palin calls it “a task from God.”
But our most important difference isn’t really about us, it’s about our running mates. Sarah’s man is John McCain, the U.S. Senator who plucked our eskimo princess from national obscurity and set her on a snow white horse with reigns of flowers and a crown of stars in front of the old beat up, utterly discredited Republican army. Now she is his Joan of Arc. He is her Prince Charley, egotistical, fickle, quick to anger, utterly beholden to the wealthy powers that back him and prepared to keep our troops in Iraq for the duration of his presidency or the next 100 years, whichever comes first.
My “man” is the U.S. Presidential Candidate Frank Moore. While Sarah’s man is a War Hero, who rained bombs on Vietnamese civilians before he was captured by Vietcong, Frank Moore is a Peace Hero who has brought joy and inspiration to millions over the years as a performing artist and healer. Frank promises to bring the troops home from Iraq “immediately,” and he’ll have universal prenatal-to-the-grave health care and universal free education with equal access, and free public mass transit as well. Neither McCain nor Obama are offering these basic services that should be the first priority of any “free” functional society. Read more about at frankmooreforpresident08.com/ and if you like what you read, write us in: Moore/Block. Feel good about your vote this time.
But far be it from us to “take” any votes from Obama who is, indeed, the far lesser of the two evils here. So you Barack voters, especially in the swing states, go ahead and vote the Big O. But if you’re one of those liberal Republicans who’s considering voting McCain/Palin because you like the idea of supporting the kind of feisty, sexy, can-do woman that Sarah Palin appears to represent, consider this: Everyone has their personal tastes. So… Sarah Palin has her grizzly bear carcass on a couch and I have my ecologically friendly Monkey Rocker. What would you rather have in your Vice Presidential living room? Wait, don’t answer that…
Just please don’t vote for her! Pray for her, pray to her, worship her, adore her, jerk off to pictures of her (real or fake), obsess over her family problems, adopt her sexy librarian look, copy her hair style, try out her Tina Fey glasses, send her fan mail, parody her, dedicate your next Christian rock tune to her, build a cathedral for her, but please just don’t vote for her. Because God and Goddess help us, if enough of you do.
Dr. SUSAN BLOCK is a sex educator, cable TV personality, author of The 10 Commandments of Pleasure and hostess of Dr. Suzy’s Speakeasy. Commit Bloggamy with her at http://www.drsusanblock.com/blog/ Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
© Sept. 17, 2008.