As I was working on the hyper-geometric equation late one night and trying to negotiate my way around some Reimann branch cuts, I suddenly stumbled onto an integral path along the imaginary axis through a singularity at infinity that allowed passage back into reality at displaced times. So surprising was this development that I devised an electrical circuit analog to test it, and then powered it with the biggest amplifier I had in the house, from an old bass guitar. To my amazement it actually worked and I was able to receive information from the future.
Theoretically, were I to apply sufficient power, which would be enormous, I would be able to transmit objects — time travel!! I know how fantastic this sounds, and I am not sure my experiments are entirely safe (the space-time continuum in the vicinity of my house seems to be slowly drooping), but each tidbit of data I receive from the future is so tantalizing that I just cannot stop. Limited by amplifier power, I can only push my probing into the near future. I applied my device to sampling the future news of the current presidential campaigns, and found the following.
August 28, 2008.
In a stunning development at the Democratic National Convention, Barack Obama, the party’s candidate for the presidency, named Ron Paul as his running mate. Said Obama:
“Our nation yearns for unity in ending the Iraq War, change in making the government work for the people’s interest and not those of special interests, a fair system of taxation, and an end to the infringement on people’s rights and the encroachment into their private lives by government. With Ron Paul as my running mate, our campaign declares: America, we have heard you, and together we are united in leading the way to restoring our nation’s greatness and its freedoms, without sacrificing its security.”
Asked about his surprising new role as a vice presidential candidate on a Democratic ticket, Paul said:
“It makes sense. I want to end the war, but with McCain leading the Republican Party they won’t do it; and I want to reduce taxation and government spending, which could not happen under Bush, and would not happen under McCain in any meaningful way because the war and the catering to the lobbyists runs up the spending. I felt that the best way to bring the Republican Party, my party, back to its senses and to advance an anti-war low-taxation agenda was to run in a unity ticket with Barack Obama.”
Can you beat that?
September 4, 2008.
In what has to be seen as a Republican response to the Obama-Paul unity ticket that has rocketed the Democrats’ popularity ratings this last week, John McCain, the Republican presidential candidate, announced Hillary Clinton as his running mate. Said McCain:
“America wants an experienced leadership team that includes women’s perspectives. Hillary Rodham Clinton, who began her political career campaigning for Richard Nixon, understands the insights and needs of American women, and how government policy affects their lives. This election is about doing what is right for America, it is not about one party or the other. With Hillary Clinton as my running mate, we have the right team, the right ideas, and the right direction with which to lead this nation into a secure and prosperous future.”
Asked about her surprising new role, Hillary Clinton said:
“I just can’t stop fighting for America, so I am honored to be John McCain’s running mate. He is a patriot who understands the security needs of our country and will safeguard them to the utmost. Coupled with my experience at developing domestic policies, I know that the American people will recognize us as being the type of individuals it really wants to carry forward the nation’s business. For me, it will be an awesome responsibility to be only a heartbeat away from the presidency, but I know I am prepared for the job ahead.”
Strategists from the McCain-Clinton campaign say they were inundated with messages of support, complete with contributions, from prominent feminists and their allied organizations.
8 September 2008. The unprecedented duel between the unity tickets raises many new questions for members of more than one traditional voting bloc. Analysts predict that the Democratic unity ticket will appeal to blacks, committed union members, independents and younger voters; while the Republican unity ticket appeals to white men and feminists, latinos who identify less with their traditional Democratic and union affiliations and are more concerned about moral values and labor competition with blacks, and much of the former Republican base. The existing models of prediction have been thrown over, and the final result of the election is anyone’s guess. The geographical regions most likely to support each ticket are…[transmission cuts off].
I plan to check over the circuitry of my device, just to be sure the transmissions aren’t all a fluke caused by bad wiring. It has occurred to me, finally, that I don’t know whether my discovery — fluke or real — is a boon for humanity or another horrible disaster unleashed by science upon an as yet unsuspecting world. Only time will tell.
MANUEL GARCIA, Jr. can be reached at email@example.com. He likes Ralph Nader’s speeches best.