FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Our Blob in the White House

In a move that may indicate some internal disarray within the GOP, Karl Rove, former Deputy Chief of Staff to President Bush, called a press conference today to announce a new candidate in the Republican Party’s lineup of Presidential contenders.

“McCain, Romney, they’re OK,” said Mr. Rove, renowned for his ingenious campaign strategies. “But we need a candidate that has truly suffered; one that has faced down prejudice and loathing; a candidate that embodies all things to all people while proudly personifying our American system of free enterprise. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you–The Blob.”

A large globular creature, its head and neck areas outfitted in a jaunty straw hat and red bowtie, oozed onstage and leaned on a bamboo cane, as if ready to take questions. After several seconds of stunned silence, the media began its barrage.

“Mr.–or Ms.?–Blob,” stuttered a reporter from The Baltimore Sun, “Are you not a constantly expanding mass of dark energy, somewhat resembling an immense Hefty Garbage Bag teeming with voracious, pus-ridden mucous from another planet?”

“I’ll field that one,” said Mr. Rove. “The Blob has known great pain. The Blob is descended from a long line of noble alien warriors who came to this country to better themselves, and found only bigotry and hatred. After some genetic enhancement at the laboratories of biotech giant Monsanto, The Blob attained corporate personhood and was able to graduate, summa cum laude, from Harvard Business School. Due to societal injustice, however, The Blob has yet to obtain a valid drivers license. So The Blob is not a mere vessel of intergalactic mucous; The Blob is an agent for change. The Blob is here, asking for your vote.”

By happy chance, a journalist from The New York Times Arts & Leisure section was present. “But doesn’t The Blob suck up cats, bats, unicorns, people, DeSoto sedans, and entire towns?” she asked. “And didn’t Steve McQueen destroy this eponymous Blob in the 1958 feature film?”

Mr. Rove bowed his head, as if to let pass some searing personal anguish. “It hasn’t been easy for The Blob to transcend its legacy of persecution, knowing its progenitors were attacked and spit on because of what they were. Yet The Blob’s people have made vital contributions to our nation. The entire Westward Ho movement, for example, the right of eminent domain, the development of mergers and leveraged buyouts–all were unaccredited rip-offs from Blob culture. How could America have become the world’s greatest superpower if The Blob had not inspired umpteen interventions into foreign countries? Yes, The Blob has occupied a front-row seat in history. I believe there was even a Blob alongside Dr. King as he marched ­”

“Oh, I get it!” interrupted veteran reporter Helen Thomas. “Your Republican white boys can’t compete with the Democrats’ African-American man and white woman candidates, so you want to run somebody from an oppressed group?”

“Sit down, Helen,” said Karl Rove. “We’ve gone way beyond identity politics, here. The Blob, having no race, no sex, and no discernible way of pleasuring itself, save that of devouring everything in its path, would be an advancement over any President in U.S. history–with the obvious exception of George W. Bush.”

Interestingly, some analysts noted that this new Republican candidate seemed less hawkish than many of its rivals. Although The Blob continues to waffle in its stance on water boarding, for instance, a Blob Presidency could unite some Rightists with an element of the anti-war movement. Conservative pundit Norman Podhoretz, covering this story for Soldier of Fortune magazine, conjectured, “We could democratize the entire Persian Gulf just by pointing The Blob at it. Then we sit back while it consumes the entire region–after carefully removing our troops, of course. That ought to shut up Cindy Sheehan.”

Even some on the radical Left were heard to contemplate a Blob in the White House.

“Everyone knows there’s no hope for Revolution–all we can do is damage control,” sighed Cyrus Prolehammer of the Workers Work Party. “This election won’t change the system. No matter who we elect, we’ll still have corporate greed, poverty, a horrifying renaissance of nuclear energy and weapons, lethal healthcare, racist cops, homophobia. The Blob’s about as bland as Obama and as appealing as Hillary. So why not vote Blob, move to Venezuela, and die in Caracas fighting off the American invasion?”

Suddenly, a scream tore through the audience. A woman, who had approached the podium, now stood waving a small pink blanket and shrieking, “My baby! That horrid thing ate my little Emily! The Blob is no candidate–The Blob is a monster!”

“Yeah, well,” conceded Karl Rove, smoothing his scalp. “When you think about it, aren’t they all monsters? And lest we forget, The Blob believes in Jesus.”

“Finally,” called out someone in the crowd. “A candidate we can trust.”

SUSIE DAY can be reached at: sday@skadden.com

© SUSIE DAY, 2008

 

 

 

 

 

More articles by:

November 15, 2018
Kenneth Surin
Ukania: the Land Where the Queen’s Son Has His Shoelaces Ironed by His Valet
Evaggelos Vallianatos
Spraying Poisons, Chasing Ghosts
Anthony DiMaggio
In the Wake of the Blue Wave: the Midterms, Recounts, and the Future of Progressive Politics
Christopher Ketcham
Build in a Fire Plain, Get What You Deserve
Meena Miriam Yust
Today It’s Treasure Island, Tomorrow Your Neighborhood Store: Could Local Currencies Help?
Karl Grossman
Climate of Rage
Walter Clemens
How Two Demagogues Inspired Their Followers
Brandon Lee
Radical Idealism: Jesus and the Radical Tradition
Kim C. Domenico
An Anarchist Uprising Against the Liberal Ego
Elliot Sperber
Pythagoras in Queens
November 14, 2018
Charles Pierson
Unstoppable: The Keystone XL Oil Pipeline and NAFTA
Sam Bahour
Israel’s Mockery of Security: 101 Actions Israel Could Take
Cesar Chelala
How a Bad Environment Impacts Children’s Health
George Ochenski
What Tester’s Win Means
Louisa Willcox
Saving Romania’s Brown Bears, Sharing Lessons About Coxistence, Conservation
George Wuerthner
Alternatives to Wilderness?
Robert Fisk
Izzeldin Abuelaish’s Three Daughters were Killed in Gaza, But He Still Clings to Hope for the Middle East
Dennis Morgan
For What?
Dana E. Abizaid
The Government is Our Teacher
Bill Martin
The Trump Experiment: Liberals and Leftists Unhinged and Around the Bend
Rivera Sun
After the Vote: An Essay of the Man from the North
Jamie McConnell
Allowing Asbestos to Continue Killing
Thomas Knapp
Talkin’ Jim Acosta Hard Pass Blues: Is White House Press Access a Constitutional Right?
Bill Glahn
Snow Day
November 13, 2018
Patrick Cockburn
The Midterm Results are Challenging Racism in America in Unexpected Ways
Victor Grossman
Germany on a Political Seesaw
Cillian Doyle
Fictitious Assets, Hidden Losses and the Collapse of MDM Bank
Lauren Smith
Amnesia and Impunity Reign: Wall Street Celebrates Halliburton’s 100th Anniversary
Joe Emersberger
Moreno’s Neoliberal Restoration Proceeds in Ecuador
Carol Dansereau
Climate and the Infernal Blue Wave: Straight Talk About Saving Humanity
Dave Lindorff
Hey Right Wingers! Signatures Change over Time
Dan Corjescu
Poetry and Barbarism: Adorno’s Challenge
Patrick Bond
Mining Conflicts Multiply, as Critics of ‘Extractivism’ Gather in Johannesburg
Ed Meek
The Kavanaugh Hearings: Text and Subtext
Binoy Kampmark
Concepts of Nonsense: Australian Soft Power
November 12, 2018
Kerron Ó Luain
Poppy Fascism and the English Education System
Conn Hallinan
Nuclear Treaties: Unwrapping Armageddon
Robert Hunziker
Tropical Trump Declares War on Amazonia
John W. Whitehead
Badge of Shame: the Government’s War on Military Veterans
Will Griffin
Military “Service” Serves the Ruling Class
John Eskow
Harold Pinter’s America: Hard Truths and Easy Targets
Rob Okun
Activists Looking Beyond Midterm Elections
Binoy Kampmark
Mid-Term Divisions: The Trump Take
Dean Baker
Short-Term Health Insurance Plans Destroy Insurance Pools
George Wuerthner
Saving the Buffalohorn/Porcupine: the Lamar Valley of the Gallatin Range
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail