FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Our Blob in the White House

In a move that may indicate some internal disarray within the GOP, Karl Rove, former Deputy Chief of Staff to President Bush, called a press conference today to announce a new candidate in the Republican Party’s lineup of Presidential contenders.

“McCain, Romney, they’re OK,” said Mr. Rove, renowned for his ingenious campaign strategies. “But we need a candidate that has truly suffered; one that has faced down prejudice and loathing; a candidate that embodies all things to all people while proudly personifying our American system of free enterprise. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you–The Blob.”

A large globular creature, its head and neck areas outfitted in a jaunty straw hat and red bowtie, oozed onstage and leaned on a bamboo cane, as if ready to take questions. After several seconds of stunned silence, the media began its barrage.

“Mr.–or Ms.?–Blob,” stuttered a reporter from The Baltimore Sun, “Are you not a constantly expanding mass of dark energy, somewhat resembling an immense Hefty Garbage Bag teeming with voracious, pus-ridden mucous from another planet?”

“I’ll field that one,” said Mr. Rove. “The Blob has known great pain. The Blob is descended from a long line of noble alien warriors who came to this country to better themselves, and found only bigotry and hatred. After some genetic enhancement at the laboratories of biotech giant Monsanto, The Blob attained corporate personhood and was able to graduate, summa cum laude, from Harvard Business School. Due to societal injustice, however, The Blob has yet to obtain a valid drivers license. So The Blob is not a mere vessel of intergalactic mucous; The Blob is an agent for change. The Blob is here, asking for your vote.”

By happy chance, a journalist from The New York Times Arts & Leisure section was present. “But doesn’t The Blob suck up cats, bats, unicorns, people, DeSoto sedans, and entire towns?” she asked. “And didn’t Steve McQueen destroy this eponymous Blob in the 1958 feature film?”

Mr. Rove bowed his head, as if to let pass some searing personal anguish. “It hasn’t been easy for The Blob to transcend its legacy of persecution, knowing its progenitors were attacked and spit on because of what they were. Yet The Blob’s people have made vital contributions to our nation. The entire Westward Ho movement, for example, the right of eminent domain, the development of mergers and leveraged buyouts–all were unaccredited rip-offs from Blob culture. How could America have become the world’s greatest superpower if The Blob had not inspired umpteen interventions into foreign countries? Yes, The Blob has occupied a front-row seat in history. I believe there was even a Blob alongside Dr. King as he marched ­”

“Oh, I get it!” interrupted veteran reporter Helen Thomas. “Your Republican white boys can’t compete with the Democrats’ African-American man and white woman candidates, so you want to run somebody from an oppressed group?”

“Sit down, Helen,” said Karl Rove. “We’ve gone way beyond identity politics, here. The Blob, having no race, no sex, and no discernible way of pleasuring itself, save that of devouring everything in its path, would be an advancement over any President in U.S. history–with the obvious exception of George W. Bush.”

Interestingly, some analysts noted that this new Republican candidate seemed less hawkish than many of its rivals. Although The Blob continues to waffle in its stance on water boarding, for instance, a Blob Presidency could unite some Rightists with an element of the anti-war movement. Conservative pundit Norman Podhoretz, covering this story for Soldier of Fortune magazine, conjectured, “We could democratize the entire Persian Gulf just by pointing The Blob at it. Then we sit back while it consumes the entire region–after carefully removing our troops, of course. That ought to shut up Cindy Sheehan.”

Even some on the radical Left were heard to contemplate a Blob in the White House.

“Everyone knows there’s no hope for Revolution–all we can do is damage control,” sighed Cyrus Prolehammer of the Workers Work Party. “This election won’t change the system. No matter who we elect, we’ll still have corporate greed, poverty, a horrifying renaissance of nuclear energy and weapons, lethal healthcare, racist cops, homophobia. The Blob’s about as bland as Obama and as appealing as Hillary. So why not vote Blob, move to Venezuela, and die in Caracas fighting off the American invasion?”

Suddenly, a scream tore through the audience. A woman, who had approached the podium, now stood waving a small pink blanket and shrieking, “My baby! That horrid thing ate my little Emily! The Blob is no candidate–The Blob is a monster!”

“Yeah, well,” conceded Karl Rove, smoothing his scalp. “When you think about it, aren’t they all monsters? And lest we forget, The Blob believes in Jesus.”

“Finally,” called out someone in the crowd. “A candidate we can trust.”

SUSIE DAY can be reached at: sday@skadden.com

© SUSIE DAY, 2008

 

 

 

 

 

More articles by:
Weekend Edition
September 21, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Paul Street
Laquan McDonald is Being Tried for His Own Racist Murder
Brad Evans
What Does It Mean to Celebrate International Peace Day?
Alexandra Isfahani-Hammond
Hurricane Florence and 9.7 Million Pigs
Nick Pemberton
With or Without Kavanaugh, The United States Is Anti-Choice
Andrew Levine
Israel’s Anti-Semitism Smear Campaign
Jim Kavanagh
“Taxpayer Money” Threatens Medicare-for-All (And Every Other Social Program)
Jonathan Cook
Palestine: The Testbed for Trump’s Plan to Tear up the Rules-Based International Order
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: the Chickenhawks Have Finally Come Back Home to Roost!
David Rosen
As the Capitalist World Turns: From Empire to Imperialism to Globalization?
Jonah Raskin
Green Capitalism Rears Its Head at Global Climate Action Summit
James Munson
On Climate, the Centrists are the Deplorables
Robert Hunziker
Is Paris 2015 Already Underwater?
Arshad Khan
Will Their Ever be Justice for Rohingya Muslims?
Jill Richardson
Why Women Don’t Report Sexual Assault
Dave Clennon
A Victory for Historical Accuracy and the Peace Movement: Not One Emmy for Ken Burns and “The Vietnam War”
W. T. Whitney
US Harasses Cuba Amid Mysterious Circumstances
Nathan Kalman-Lamb
Things That Make Sports Fans Uncomfortable
George Capaccio
Iran: “Snapping Back” Sanctions and the Threat of War
Kenneth Surin
Brexit is Coming, But Which Will It Be?
Louis Proyect
Moore’s “Fahrenheit 11/9”: Entertaining Film, Crappy Politics
Ramzy Baroud
Why Israel Demolishes: Khan Al-Ahmar as Representation of Greater Genocide
Ben Dangl
The Zapatistas’ Dignified Rage: Revolutionary Theories and Anticapitalist Dreams of Subcommandante Marcos
Ron Jacobs
Faith, Madness, or Death
Bill Glahn
Crime Comes Knocking
Terry Heaton
Pat Robertson’s Hurricane “Miracle”
Dave Lindorff
In Montgomery County PA, It’s Often a Jury of White People
Louis Yako
From Citizens to Customers: the Corporate Customer Service Culture in America 
William Boardman
The Shame of Dianne Feinstein, the Courage of Christine Blasey Ford 
Ernie Niemi
Logging and Climate Change: Oregon is Appalachia and Timber is Our Coal
Jessicah Pierre
Nike Says “Believe in Something,” But Can It Sacrifice Something, Too?
Paul Fitzgerald - Elizabeth Gould
Weaponized Dreams? The Curious Case of Robert Moss
Olivia Alperstein
An Environmental 9/11: the EPA’s Gutting of Methane Regulations
Ted Rall
Why Christine Ford vs. Brett Kavanaugh is a Train Wreck You Can’t Look Away From
Lauren Regan
The Day the Valves Turned: Defending the Pipeline Protesters
Ralph Nader
Questions, Questions Where are the Answers?
Binoy Kampmark
Deplatforming Germaine Greer
Raouf Halaby
It Should Not Be A He Said She Said Verdict
Robert Koehler
The Accusation That Wouldn’t Go Away
Jim Hightower
Amazon is Making Workers Tweet About How Great It is to Work There
Robby Sherwin
Rabbi, Rabbi, Where For Art Thou Rabbi?
Vern Loomis
Has Something Evil This Way Come?
Steve Baggarly
Disarm Trident Walk Ends in Georgia
Graham Peebles
Priorities of the Time: Peace
Michael Doliner
The Department of Demonization
David Yearsley
Bollocks to Brexit: the Plumber Sings
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail