Gay Old Party Outs Itself While Many Ask, Is U.S. Run by Secret Homintern?

Recent Republican sex scandals continue to function as amusing Weapons of Mass Distraction from ongoing Republican fiscal, diplomatic and military fiascos.  An intriguingly large portion of these scandals are gay, or, lest we offend those members of the Gay Old Party who prefer to define themselves as “not gay,” let us say that they are “homoerotic.”

Just about all of those GOP public servants caught in the homoerotic act are screamingly homophobic. They also tend to be religious, often active religious leaders with wives and families and huge constituencies who speak out against same-sex marriage and express very little political tolerance for their openly gay brethren-in-desire.

Take Our Man in the Men’s Room, Idaho Senator Larry Craig. He is, he assures us, “not gay.” And who are we to insist he is? After all, he could be bi. The soon-to-be former Senator has got three kids, all adopted from his wife’s first marriage. These adult children spoke “seriously” with Craig who stood firm on his position that he was “not gay,” and they believed him, at least enough to go on the talk shows, in hopes of salvaging their stepdad’s considerable pension from the toilet. Craig’s tap-dance with the cop takes this scandal-in-the-loo from tragedy to farce, and oh how the rabble loves a farce. Then there’s former New Life Church Pastor Ted Haggard. He’s also “not gay.” At least, he has been pronounced, by his counselor/minister Tim Ralph, to be “completely heterosexual,” which is, technically, even more “not gay” than “not gay.” Pastor Ted does seem to have provided the sperm for his five kids. But his sexual relationship with male escort Mike Jones, as described in the book “I Had to Say Something: The Art of Ted Haggard’s Fall,” was way too hot to simply cool down, at least not so fast. Pastor Ted was the quintessential hypocrite, preaching that homosexual acts were condemned by God even as he was committing them with a hooker, while snorting meth and grinning that big scary grin. But I must admit, Pastor Ted is so crazily charismatic and so flamboyantly gay, that I’m kind of hoping he “repents” by just admitting he’s bisexual (or whatever he wants to call himself). Then his wife can say she’s bi too, and then they’ll both say being gay or bi is okay with God, and then they’ll start a massive mega-church for gays, lesbians, bisexuals, trannies and alt sex lovers in Boulder, Colorado. This could happen! If only…

Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley was also “not gay,” at least in the sense that most normal gay adults are not trolling for teenagers. Foley and Craig were both sacrificed on the altar of Republican purity. They were expendable liabilities that the GOP shed, like Agamemnon sacrificed Iphigenia for the sake of strong winds to take his military to war.

And despite the scandals, the winds of war still blow strong in America, under the reign of King George II, the chickenhawk, crotch-stuffed, frat boy exhibitionist who appears to be more narcissistic than gay, bi or straight, but then there are all those unaccounted overnight stays at the White House for gay-escort-cum-journalist Jeff Gannon/Jim Guckert. Or was Gannon/Guckert’s job to erotically discipline Karl  Rove? When you consider Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter and Lynn Cheney’s lesbian lit, and, on the darker side, the homoerotic, deeply sadistic twists of all that Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib POW Porn, overseen and often micromanaged right down to the women’s underwear by wresting addict Donald Rumsfeld, the whole Bush Crime Family seems as divinely gay and “not gay” as Christmas at Liberace’s, or Ernst Rohm’s.

Nothing against gays or even closet gays. Some of my closest relatives, friends and favorite people are gay, and some of my best telephone sex therapy clients are closet gays. Of course, the closet gays tend to be the ones who say they’re “not gay.” And who am I to say that they are? Many of them have decent or even great sex with their wives or girlfriends. But their desire for some sort of carnal knowledge of the same gender occasionally and almost irresistibly asserts itself in various ways, at least in their minds, if not their actions. Their “sexual orientation” is complicated, much more complex than labels like “gay,” or “not gay,” “straight,” “homosexual,” “heterosexual” or even “bisexual” can convey.

Some of these closet cases are powerful men with sensitive souls leading double lives. Some are hypocrites at the lowest rungs of the ethical ladder, overcompensating for their agonizing discomfort with their own desires for same-sex relations, their own tortured “gayness,” by attempting to punish and humiliate openly gay people. Closet gay overcompensation virtually ejaculates over the top when these tortured men channel their fear of being sissies into reckless military adventure and expenditure. As more and more stories of furtive man-to-man lust gush forth from our highest offices in the land, it becomes clear that a vast deeply closeted gay “conservative,” usually (but not always) Republican network of political and religious leaders has held our nation in its sexual self-hating sadomasochistic thrall for some time. The twist on this Old Boys Network is that they don’t actually have sex with each other (they prefer pageboys and hot Tearoom studs), but they do cooperate intimately when it comes to making “muscular” military policies that put other people’s loved ones in harm’s way while flying the flag of some macho ideal.

If you want to stay in the closet, that’s your business. And believe me, I cherish and uphold your right to privacy, gay or “not gay.” But please don’t become a public “servant,” to punish the closeted side of yourself, as well as a lot of other people.

Meanwhile, what about the fact that Dick Cheney’s phone number is listed numerous times on the DC Madam’s phone bill? Is the major media refusing to touch that because it’s just “straight” sex? After all, Louisiana Senator David Vitter was only spanked, not sacrificed. Or is it because this Dick is just too big to expose?

© September 12, 2007.  Dr. SUSAN BLOCK is a sex educator, cable TV hostand author of The 10 Commandments of Pleasure. Her film “Blonde Island: Funk Me” is premiering at the LA Erotica Film Festival this Sunday at 3:30 pm.  Closet GOP Gays and all others over 21 are welcome.  Commit Bloggamy with Dr. Suzy at  Email her at





Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For information and speaking engagements, call 626-461-5950. Email her at