So here we are at Memorial Stadium on a beautiful Fall Saturday afternoon, during the Michigan-Illiniwak football game. There are 77,000 drunken fans here and the game is covered nationwide and live by CBS TV. For the drunken fans on the radio, Jim Turpin of the News-Gazoo / WDWS Illiniwak Media Empire attempts and fumbles the play-by-play calls. It is half-time. Time for the Chief Illiniwak Spectacle.
So here goes:
1. The Marching Illiniwak Drum/Dumb Corps take the field at Memorial stadium and proceed to strike up the special Illiniwak drumbeat that I had previously composed for them, all saying in unison over the gigantic stadium sound speaker system:
dumb,dumb,dumb,dumb
dumb,dumb,dumb,dumb
dumb,dumb,dumb,dumb
dumb,dumb,dumb,dumb
This special dumb-beat continues ad nauseam throughout the performance.
2. Now, out comes the rest of the University of Illiniwak’s “Marching
Illiniwak” band and strikes up the music for the famous pop song “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.”
3. Then, out comes the University of Illiniwak’s Glee Club and sings my song “The Chancellor Sleeps Tonight” over a special microphone / amplification system fed through the gigantic stadium speakers so that everyone can hear the magnificent lyrics:
The Chancellor Sleeps Tonight
by Francis A. BoyleHush my Illiniwaks, my little Illiniwaks, the Chancellor Sleeps Tonight!
Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Hush my Illiniwaks, my quiet Illiniwaks, the Chancellor Sleeps Tonight!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Illiniwak, Illiniwak, Illiniwak, Illiniwak,
Illiniwak,Illiniwak,Illiniwak. Illiniwak,
Illiniwak, Illiniwak, Illiniwak, Illiniwak,
Illiniwak,Illiniwak,Illiniwak. Illiniwak,
Oh! Bee Wah do do do do ay.
Oh! Bee Wah do do do do ay.
The Mighty Chancellor Sleeps Tonight!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
The Glee Club repeats these lyrics ad nauseam throughout the Chief Illiniwak Spectacle!
4. Next the Marching Illiniwaks execute their famous “Three-in-One” Illiniwak March.
5. Now the most electrifying moment in sports history: Little Red Sambo Himself, Chief Illiniwak, runs through the band, pops out, and does his little jig at mid-field.
6. Finally, all 77,000 people in the stadium begin to chant in unisonand in time with the band and the Glee Club, adding in for emphasis,support, and of course dignity their “Tomahawk chops”:
Illiniwak, Illiniwak, Illiniwak, Illiniwak,
Illiniwak, Illiniwak,Illiniwak, Illiniwak,
Illiniwak, Illiniwak, Illiniwak, Illiniwak,
Illiniwak,Illiniwak, Illiniwak, Illiniwak,
Illiniwak, Illiniwak, Illiniwak, Illiniwak,
Illiniwak, Illiniwak, Illiniwak, Illiniwak,
Repeated ad nauseam.
This magnificent “Chief Illiniwak Spectacle” will of course be shown nation-wide to an audience of tens of millions of football fans and admirers of our “flagship” State University in the Great State of Illiniwak: The University of Illiniwak at Urbana-Champaign! Home of the the Marching Illiniwaks Band and their Official Mascot, Chief Illiniwak, Little Red Sambo himself. Certainly the type of University you want to send your children to–unless they are Native American, African American, Asian American, or Latino/a.
Francis A. Boyle, Professor of Law, University of Illinois, is author of Foundations of World Order, Duke University Press, The Criminality of Nuclear Deterrence, and Palestine, Palestinians and International Law, by Clarity Press. He can be reached at: FBOYLE@LAW.UIUC.EDU
