Has Ann Coulter Got the Hots for John Edwards?

When FDR was running for president he had recovered from polio which left him bound to a wheelchair. While the legend has it that FDR “hid” his condition and did not want the people to know that he could not walk the opposite is true. Through the newspapers and magazines where Roosevelt wielded great influence people read about the illness he had overcome. If the candidate Roosevelt could conquer the illness that had afflicted so many Americans they too could conquer the other disaster afflicting them, the Great Depression. With Roosevelt as its heroic example the country would recover from its demoralized existence. It would return to the great nation it once was.

If John and Elizabeth Edwards are politicians worth their salt they will exploit whatever tragedies or triumphs they have gone through to attain their goals of political power. That’s what politicians are supposed to do. If the voting public is inspired by Elizabeth Edwards in her battle with cancer so much the better for John Edwards. It worked for FDR. He got elected eight times.

When Ann Coulter appeared recently on the Chris Matthew’s show “Hardball” bashing John Edwards the telephone call to the program from Elizabeth Edwards was a good example of political gaming. Ms. Edwards emphasized repeatedly that the “personal attacks” on John and her family had hurt her. In case we had forgotten Ms. Edwards refreshed our memories and recited Anne’s many insults even if some were old ones. “But that remark was three years ago,” Ms. Coulter retorted taking the bait.

Ann Coulter’s incessant attacks on John Edwards which only serves to his political advantage is getting me to wonder. Her insults against Hillary’s fat legs or Barack Obama’s weird name strike me as merely false flag operations on the part of Ms. Coulter who although her voice may be deep and her adam’s apple prominent is evidencing a schoolgirl crush for John Edwards. Or perhaps something far more sinister. Ms. Coulter is in love with John Edwards. Possessed by a “fatal attraction” for the handsome Democratic candidate. The parallel between her and the movie of the same name could be a horrible portent.

We must come to grips with the possibility that Anne Coulter is the reincarnation of Glen Close. Ms. Coulter wants John Edwards to love her but John loves only his wife Elizabeth. Although John and Anne never had torrid sex (I don’t think) on a counter-top in Anne’s kitchen amidst copious numbers of razor-sharp culinary knifes, it doesn’t matter. At some point she fell in love with him unrequitedly. It might have been the night she went to one of John’s rallies and he smiled to the crowd. Smitten like a kitten she imagined his smile was for her alone. “I love you Johnny Reid Edwards,” Ms. Coulter crooned to herself as she pressed his campaign button close to her heart . “And you’re going to love me back.” But his smile was never for her. Spurned, she has turned her love to hate and through the media eunuchs who invite her on their television shows she is exhibiting an obsession for John Edwards. And just as Glen Close finally stalked Michael Douglas this could get out of hand too.

Ms. Coulter’s resemblance both physically and psychologically to Glen Close who played the character “Alex” in Fatal Attraction is kind of ominous. That Michael Douglas played a lawyer who had the brief affair with Glen Close is weird too.

After Glen Close becomes deranged when Michael Douglas rejects her she sends him a cassette tape which he plays while driving in his car. Glen hysterically denounces Michael, sounding really repulsive, giving us the creeps. She swears obscenely as the cassette plays on. “How could you use me?” she demands. “Do you think you can toss me aside like a piece of meat?” Something like that. But considering all that’s going on today with Ms. Coulter, nobody can forget Glen’s final epithet spoken in a voice thick with obsession. “You faggot.”

When Ann Coulter called John Edwards a faggot (and has done so more than once as Glen Close did on the tape to Michael Douglas) that’s when I suspected she was fatally attracted to John. That’s when I realized she could possibly begin stalking the man who has never given a damn about her. It is no surprise that she also insults John’s wife Elizabeth which brings up another coincidence. The wife of Michael Douglas played by Anne Archer is named “Beth.” Glen did all kinds of mean things to “Beth” in Fatal Attraction. One incident alone caused her to get her arm broken.

Let us be on the look-out for signs and symptoms of deepening deterioration in Ms. Coulter. When she shows up on Hardball wearing a black fake leather full-length trench coat with the collar turned up and her hair sticking out all messed up she will be beyond the reach of reason. When Chris Matthews wrinkles his nose at the strange odor permeating from Anne’s body, the smell of boiled rabbit, we will know that John and Elizabeth are in serious jeopardy.

Unlike Anne Archer, or rather “Beth,” who shot Glen Close with a .45 revolver until she finally drowned in a bathtub but it was tough going because she didn’t go down easy Elizabeth Edwards will not have that luxury. Perhaps she does not want it.

Ms. Edwards may have a plan of her own for dealing with the deluded Ms. Coulter. She made an offer to Anne during her phone call on Hardball. An alluring suggestion. “Let’s debate, Anne.” “Oh sure, I’ll debate,” Anne responded after she had demanded petulantly, “Why isn’t John calling me instead of you?” And there seemed to be an excited trembling in Anne’s voice as if she was already anticipating how this “debate” would finally get her close to John and he would tell her and all the world that it was she he loved and not Elizabeth.

What happens next will be pivotal. It will be John Edwards who calls Anne to set up a time for the “debate.” On the Chris Matthew’s program of course. And Anne hearing John’s voice speaking softly in her ear will think this means he is going to dump Elizabeth. But John Edwards is a clever politician. He dumps Anne instead. He just doesn’t show up at all. His excuse to the public as eager as Anne for the televised meeting will be that he had to take Elizabeth to the hospital but she’s okay, nothing serious. But for Ms. Coulter rejected and humiliated it will be the final straw. She will have a nervous breakdown on “Hardball” and slit her wrists. The autopsy photos will reveal that the wounds inflicted upon herself were done with the pin on the back of the John Edwards’ campaign button. The one she had held so close to her heart.

John and Elizabeth Edwards will reveal themselves for what they are. Politicians worth their salt. Their triumph over disaster will serve as our example. Armed at the ready we will be inspired anew. Ready to overcome anything, we will become a great nation once again.

There is another bizarre twist that cannot go unreported. Just this morning I read in our Paper of Record that John Edwards has revealed to Maureen Dowd that his favorite actor is Glen Close.

EVA LIDDELL lives in the Pacific Norfthwest.