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Jesus Christ Weds Pat Robertson

In a quiet ceremony attended by a few close friends and family members, nationally known televangelist Pat Robertson of the 700 Club was married today to world-renowned avatar and reputed Prince of Peace, Jesus of Nazareth. The wedding took place in Stowe, a picturesque Vermont town, and was catered by the Von Trapp family of “The Sound of Music” fame, who assembled in Austrian peasant garb to sing “Climb Every Mountain.”

Robertson wore a dignified charcoal gray business suit and carried a lovely ecru portfolio filled with Christian Broadcasting Network stock options. “I love Jesus,” Robertson told reporters after the ceremony. “And Jesus loves me ­ it’s in the Bible.”

According to anonymous highly-placed sources attending the Throne of God, there is no scriptural evidence in any religious text to support the claim that Jesus Christ loves Pat Robertson. Yet Robertson remained ebullient.

Asked why he “popped the question,” Robertson replied, “It’s no secret, Jesus and I are more than friends. We’ve been in a committed relationship for years. He is with me, always. We watch TV together, bowl together, excoriate perverts together. When I predicted that acceptance of homosexuality would result in hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, terrorist bombs, and possibly a meteor, Jesus was there ­ well, actually, I think he was in the shower, then ­ but basically, we’re an item. So one day I said, Whoa. Catholic nuns get to marry Jesus. How come those papist biddies have more rights than us red-blooded Protestant dudes?”

Ted Haggard, disgraced Pastor of the New Life Church, now graduated from sexual normalcy reprogramming, was Best Man. “This is so beautiful,” sobbed Haggard, who couldn’t stop crying. “Two manly men who want to conquer the world in the name of love, uniting forces. It’s another way of saying, “Lord, we are 100% heterosexual.”

Jesus, resplendent in a simple Laura Ashley gown decorated in faux bloodstains, also wept.

Present at the nuptials was Mary, Mother of Jesus, who stated that she would not offer the couple her blessings.

“My son, the martyr,” Mary sighed, flicking her cigarette ashes into the punch bowl. “I knew some day the kid would go too far. He was an extremist as a youth, busting up temple bake-sales, driving defenseless, non-kosher animals into the sea, going around with that shiksa Magdalene, but I thought he would settle down. He never calls, he never writes ­ two thousand years later, I get an invitation to this farshtunkeneh thing. A tragedy ­ I say this as a mother and a virgin.”

Questioned as to her son’s possible motivation for his nuptials, Mary answered, “It’s pure ego ­ he’s out to save the world. I mean, having spikes driven into your extremities and getting hung up on a couple of boards ­ that’s got to hurt. But marrying Pat Robertson ­ now, THAT is agony. He’s a total codependent, my son.”

In a surprisingly modern break from matrimonial tradition, Robertson announced that he and his “Holier Half” will hyphenate their surname. “At first, I wanted Jesus to change his name to Jesus Robertson,” admitted the televangelist. “But then I realized that might make him look suspicious to the immigration authorities. So we have decided to become the Robertson-Christs.”

Foremost on everyone’s mind was Pat Robertson-Christ’s persistent condemnation of homosexuals. Reporters were eager to know if this wedding changes his views, particularly, of gay marriage.

“No, no,” smiled Roberts. “Don’t get me wrong. I continue to view homosexual marriage as a fetid, stench-filled puke-mire of lecherous maggots fornicating obscenely in disease-ridden coffins of pus. But God likes it when heterosexuals get married. And Jesus and I are real He-Men. Right, honey?”

Jesus asked Colonel Von Trapp for an Excedrin.

“I’ve looked into this marriage thing, and it’s got some major perks,” continued Robertson-Christ. “Under state law, for example, half of Jesus’ holding are now legally mine. So, besides our other moneymaking enterprises, the Christian Broadcasting Network finally owns the intellectual property rights to our heavenly Mascot. That means we can sue the Pope for copyright infringement.”

Conspicuously absent from the event was the virulently antigay evangelist Fred Phelps, who had been invited. “Aw, he’s just pissed he didn’t think of this first,” Robertson-Christ chuckled.

“I told Jesus and I told him,” said Mary, stepping in front of the news camera, “You think you can change this shmuck; you think you’re the only one who can understand him ­ HA. Mark my words, I said to Jesus: in a few weeks, you’ll be begging the cops for a restraining order.”

So saying, the Blessed Virgin excused herself, explaining that she was late for her Women in Black vigil.

No word yet as to where the happy couple will honeymoon.

SUSIE DAY can be reached at: sday@skadden.com

© SUSIE DAY, 2007

Resources

Robertson on Homos

On Gay marriage

Christian Right Financial Holdings

 

 

 

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