FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Jesus Christ Weds Pat Robertson

by SUSIE DAY

In a quiet ceremony attended by a few close friends and family members, nationally known televangelist Pat Robertson of the 700 Club was married today to world-renowned avatar and reputed Prince of Peace, Jesus of Nazareth. The wedding took place in Stowe, a picturesque Vermont town, and was catered by the Von Trapp family of “The Sound of Music” fame, who assembled in Austrian peasant garb to sing “Climb Every Mountain.”

Robertson wore a dignified charcoal gray business suit and carried a lovely ecru portfolio filled with Christian Broadcasting Network stock options. “I love Jesus,” Robertson told reporters after the ceremony. “And Jesus loves me ­ it’s in the Bible.”

According to anonymous highly-placed sources attending the Throne of God, there is no scriptural evidence in any religious text to support the claim that Jesus Christ loves Pat Robertson. Yet Robertson remained ebullient.

Asked why he “popped the question,” Robertson replied, “It’s no secret, Jesus and I are more than friends. We’ve been in a committed relationship for years. He is with me, always. We watch TV together, bowl together, excoriate perverts together. When I predicted that acceptance of homosexuality would result in hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, terrorist bombs, and possibly a meteor, Jesus was there ­ well, actually, I think he was in the shower, then ­ but basically, we’re an item. So one day I said, Whoa. Catholic nuns get to marry Jesus. How come those papist biddies have more rights than us red-blooded Protestant dudes?”

Ted Haggard, disgraced Pastor of the New Life Church, now graduated from sexual normalcy reprogramming, was Best Man. “This is so beautiful,” sobbed Haggard, who couldn’t stop crying. “Two manly men who want to conquer the world in the name of love, uniting forces. It’s another way of saying, “Lord, we are 100% heterosexual.”

Jesus, resplendent in a simple Laura Ashley gown decorated in faux bloodstains, also wept.

Present at the nuptials was Mary, Mother of Jesus, who stated that she would not offer the couple her blessings.

“My son, the martyr,” Mary sighed, flicking her cigarette ashes into the punch bowl. “I knew some day the kid would go too far. He was an extremist as a youth, busting up temple bake-sales, driving defenseless, non-kosher animals into the sea, going around with that shiksa Magdalene, but I thought he would settle down. He never calls, he never writes ­ two thousand years later, I get an invitation to this farshtunkeneh thing. A tragedy ­ I say this as a mother and a virgin.”

Questioned as to her son’s possible motivation for his nuptials, Mary answered, “It’s pure ego ­ he’s out to save the world. I mean, having spikes driven into your extremities and getting hung up on a couple of boards ­ that’s got to hurt. But marrying Pat Robertson ­ now, THAT is agony. He’s a total codependent, my son.”

In a surprisingly modern break from matrimonial tradition, Robertson announced that he and his “Holier Half” will hyphenate their surname. “At first, I wanted Jesus to change his name to Jesus Robertson,” admitted the televangelist. “But then I realized that might make him look suspicious to the immigration authorities. So we have decided to become the Robertson-Christs.”

Foremost on everyone’s mind was Pat Robertson-Christ’s persistent condemnation of homosexuals. Reporters were eager to know if this wedding changes his views, particularly, of gay marriage.

“No, no,” smiled Roberts. “Don’t get me wrong. I continue to view homosexual marriage as a fetid, stench-filled puke-mire of lecherous maggots fornicating obscenely in disease-ridden coffins of pus. But God likes it when heterosexuals get married. And Jesus and I are real He-Men. Right, honey?”

Jesus asked Colonel Von Trapp for an Excedrin.

“I’ve looked into this marriage thing, and it’s got some major perks,” continued Robertson-Christ. “Under state law, for example, half of Jesus’ holding are now legally mine. So, besides our other moneymaking enterprises, the Christian Broadcasting Network finally owns the intellectual property rights to our heavenly Mascot. That means we can sue the Pope for copyright infringement.”

Conspicuously absent from the event was the virulently antigay evangelist Fred Phelps, who had been invited. “Aw, he’s just pissed he didn’t think of this first,” Robertson-Christ chuckled.

“I told Jesus and I told him,” said Mary, stepping in front of the news camera, “You think you can change this shmuck; you think you’re the only one who can understand him ­ HA. Mark my words, I said to Jesus: in a few weeks, you’ll be begging the cops for a restraining order.”

So saying, the Blessed Virgin excused herself, explaining that she was late for her Women in Black vigil.

No word yet as to where the happy couple will honeymoon.

SUSIE DAY can be reached at: sday@skadden.com

© SUSIE DAY, 2007

Resources

Robertson on Homos

On Gay marriage

Christian Right Financial Holdings

 

 

 

More articles by:
Weekend Edition
February 23, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Richard D. Wolff
Capitalism as Obstacle to Equality and Democracy: the US Story
Paul Street
Where’s the Beef Stroganoff? Eight Sacrilegious Reflections on Russiagate
Jeffrey St. Clair
They Came, They Saw, They Tweeted
Andrew Levine
Their Meddlers and Ours
Charles Pierson
Nuclear Nonproliferation, American Style
Joseph Essertier
Why Japan’s Ultranationalists Hate the Olympic Truce
W. T. Whitney
US and Allies Look to Military Intervention in Venezuela
John Laforge
Maybe All Threats of Mass Destruction are “Mentally Deranged”
Matthew Stevenson
Why Vietnam Still Matters: an American Reckoning
David Rosen
For Some Reason, Being White Still Matters
Robert Fantina
Nikki Haley: the U.S. Embarrassment at the United Nations
Joyce Nelson
Why Mueller’s Indictments Are Hugely Important
Joshua Frank
Pearl Jam, Will You Help Stop Sen. Tester From Destroying Montana’s Public Lands?
Dana E. Abizaid
The Attack on Historical Perspective
Conn Hallinan
Immigration and the Italian Elections
George Ochenski
The Great Danger of Anthropocentricity
Pete Dolack
China Can’t Save Capitalism from Environmental Destruction
Joseph Natoli
Broken Lives
Manuel García, Jr.
Why Did Russia Vote For Trump?
Geoff Dutton
One Regime to Rule Them All
Torkil Lauesen – Gabriel Kuhn
Radical Theory and Academia: a Thorny Relationship
Wilfred Burchett
Vietnam Will Win: The Work of Persuasion
Thomas Klikauer
Umberto Eco and Germany’s New Fascism
George Burchett
La Folie Des Grandeurs
Howard Lisnoff
Minister of War
Eileen Appelbaum
Why Trump’s Plan Won’t Solve the Problems of America’s Crumbling Infrastructure
Ramzy Baroud
More Than a Fight over Couscous: Why the Palestinian Narrative Must Be Embraced
Jill Richardson
Mass Shootings Shouldn’t Be the Only Time We Talk About Mental Illness
Jessicah Pierre
Racism is Killing African American Mothers
Steve Horn
Wyoming Now Third State to Propose ALEC Bill Cracking Down on Pipeline Protests
David Griscom
When ‘Fake News’ is Good For Business
Barton Kunstler
Brainwashed Nation
Griffin Bird
I’m an Eagle Scout and I Don’t Want Pipelines in My Wilderness
Edward Curtin
The Coming Wars to End All Wars
Missy Comley Beattie
Message To New Activists
Jonah Raskin
Literary Hubbub in Sonoma: Novel about Mrs. Jack London Roils the Faithful
Binoy Kampmark
Frontiersman of the Internet: John Perry Barlow
Chelli Stanley
The Mirrors of Palestine
James McEnteer
How Brexit Won World War Two
Ralph Nader
Absorbing the Irresistible Consumer Reports Magazine
Ted Rall
Never Mind Millennial Apathy, Here’s Generation Z Inbox x
Cesar Chelala
A Word I Shouldn’t Use
Louis Proyect
Marx at the Movies
Osha Neumann
A White Guy Watches “The Black Panther”
Douglas Valentine
The Real Man’s Ten Commandments
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail