Click amount to donate direct to CounterPunch
  • $25
  • $50
  • $100
  • $500
  • $other
  • use PayPal
Spring Fund Drive: Keep CounterPunch Afloat
CounterPunch is a lifeboat of sanity in today’s turbulent political seas. Please make a tax-deductible donation and help us continue to fight Trump and his enablers on both sides of the aisle. Every dollar counts!
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Bugging Hillary

After years of tortured searching, I have finally found a use for Western literature. I merely select pieces from the dead-white-men canon and revise them, in a way that we can better understand contemporary politics! For instance, the perplexing realpolitik of a certain U.S. Senator, and possible Presidential candidate, suddenly becomes clear, as we reconfigure a classic story by Franz Kafka. “The Metamorphosis” begins: “One morning, as Gregor Samsa was waking up from anxious dreams, he discovered that he had been changed into a monstrous verminous bug”

Now, on to our improved, updated version:

“META-MORE-FOR-ME”

One morning, as Hillary Rodham Clinton was waking up from anxious dreams, she discovered that she had been changed into a monstrous verminous Republican.

She lay on her armor-hard back and saw, as she lifted her head up a little, her brown, arched abdomen divided into rigid bow-like sections. Her numerous legs, pitifully thin in comparison to the rest of her circumference, flickered helplessly before her eyes.

“Oh, great,” she muttered. “I am 100% enjoying this. In fact, I’d really like to french kiss whoever did this to me.”

Hillary Rodham Clinton was no stranger to sarcasm. Sarcasm had gotten her out of the house ­ where she had once loved to bake cookies in the shape of Tammy Wynette ­ and into the public fray, to fight the rightwing plots that assailed her and her husband.

There, in order to survive, she had learned to “triangulate.” She had become highly skilled in moving to the center, between two opposing sides, ignoring the liberal losers and placating the neoconservative ascendancy ­ all the while remaining staunch and true to whatever it was she stood for that day. She was proud of her record in the Senate, proud that Pete Seeger had never written a song about voting for her.

Who could have done this? Was her loathsome new form the work of another rightwing conspiracy? But why would the Right do this to her now? Hadn’t she just complimented the President on his “charm and charisma”? Hadn’t she supported capital punishment and welfare reform? Sponsored anti-flag-burning legislation? Asked for 80,000 more troops in the army? Pounced on photo-ops with the likes of Tom DeLay, Karl Rove, and Bill Frist, and planned a fundraiser hosted by Rupert Murdoch? Hmm Maybe FBI higher-ups, seeking to upgrade surveillance, had told one of their inept agents to “bug” her room. Those imbeciles screwed up so much; no telling what they might do to a figure of speech. Or maybe

Hillary tried to rock her hardened exterior onto her right side, where she usually thought better. From her new angle, she was just able to see her framed, autographed picture of the Dalai Lama. What had he written in the corner? Oh yes: “Change comes from within!”

But that was blaming the victim. Jesus, what a happy, robe-wearing idiot that Lama had turned out to be, reflected Hillary. She was glad he would never know the joys of marriage ­

Marriage! She had it! It was those awful gay people! They wanted to get her back for saying that legal marriage should only take place “between a man and a woman.” Hillary hated how smarmy and vindictive gay people could be, with their nasty drag shows and hateful, bitch-slap columns. Still, she couldn’t help wondering if all her new, vibrantly hairy legs wouldn’t attract more lesbian voters

Yes! It had to be the queers. And after all she’d done to get them into the army, the ingrates. Hillary shuddered with rage, then tried to roll out of bed. She pitched back and forth, waving her blackened, lesbian-alluring legs wildly, then stopped. No. It was too late to set the record straight. How would she look to people now? A Republican!

She pictured herself on a presidential campaign junket, crawling down a street blaring with patriotic music. Her quivering antennae bedecked with red, white and blue streamers. Her black, empty, doll-like eyes never moving, never seeing. Her mandible scraping the gutters for edible filth, as homeless men fainted, women with no health plans screamed, and children abused in underfunded public schools hurled rocks at her disgusting carapace.

She wondered if the queers had also turned the entire Democratic Leadership Council into monstrous verminous Republicans. Probably. What if, in their new vermin-incarnations, the DLC membership tried to mate with her? She began to think of possible places around the Senate chamber where she might deposit her egg sacs.

Eggs. All this conjecture was making her hungry. Time for breakfast! Maybe something putrid for a change, like a decaying fish bladder ­

Then she smelled it. A sweetish, sickening odor. She couldn’t place it. An exploding sewer pipe? No. RAID? No

Ssss, szzzzth, hissed the fragrance, as it wafted under the door and into Hillary Rodham Clinton’s nasal parts. All at once, Hillary recognized the odor.

It was death. The deaths were here.

Finally, the useless, soul-breaking, smelly deaths of over 100,000 Iraqis and 2500 Americans had found their way to someone who had voted for the war. To someone in power who continued do nothing to stop the killing. To one more politician, who, with vision, backbone, and triangulation, had stood for nothing except her own career. It was the stench that had made her this way.

“This is truly Kafkaesque,” Hillary Rodham Clinton struggled to say. But all that came out were frantic clicks and insectoid rustlings

SUSIE DAY can be reached at: Suzetski@aol.com

© SUSIE DAY, 2006

 

 

More articles by:
May 23, 2018
Nick Pemberton
Maduro’s Win: A Bright Spot in Dark Times
Ben Debney
A Faustian Bargain with the Climate Crisis
Deepak Tripathi
A Bloody Hot Summer in Gaza: Parallels With Sharpeville, Soweto and Jallianwala Bagh
Farhang Jahanpour
Pompeo’s Outrageous Speech on Iran
Josh White
Strange Recollections of Old Labour
CJ Hopkins
The Simulation of Democracy
stclair
In Our Age of State Crimes
Dave Lindorff
The Trump White House is a Chaotic Clown Car Filled with Bozos Who Think They’re Brilliant
Russell Mokhiber
The Corporate Domination of West Virginia
Ty Salandy
The British Royal Wedding, Empire and Colonialism
Laura Flanders
Life or Death to the FCC?
Gary Leupp
Dawn of an Era of Mutual Indignation?
Katalina Khoury
The Notion of Patriarchal White Supremacy Vs. Womanhood
Nicole Rosmarino
The Grassroots Environmental Activist of the Year: Christine Canaly
Caoimhghin Ó Croidheáin
“Michael Inside:” The Prison System in Ireland 
May 22, 2018
Stanley L. Cohen
Broken Dreams and Lost Lives: Israel, Gaza and the Hamas Card
Kathy Kelly
Scourging Yemen
Andrew Levine
November’s “Revolution” Will Not Be Televised
Ted Rall
#MeToo is a Cultural Workaround to a Legal Failure
Gary Leupp
Question for Discussion: Is Russia an Adversary Nation?
Binoy Kampmark
Unsettling the Summits: John Bolton’s Libya Solution
Doug Johnson
As Andrea Horwath Surges, Undecided Voters Threaten to Upend Doug Ford’s Hopes in Canada’s Most Populated Province
Kenneth Surin
Malaysia’s Surprising Election Results
Dana Cook
Canada’s ‘Superwoman’: Margot Kidder
Dean Baker
The Trade Deficit With China: Up Sharply, for Those Who Care
John Feffer
Playing Trump for Peace How the Korean Peninsula Could Become a Bright Spot in a World Gone Mad
Peter Gelderloos
Decades in Prison for Protesting Trump?
Thomas Knapp
Yes, Virginia, There is a Deep State
Andrew Stewart
What the Providence Teachers’ Union Needs for a Win
Jimmy Centeno
Mexico’s First Presidential Debate: All against One
May 21, 2018
Ron Jacobs
Gina Haspell: She’s Certainly Qualified for the Job
Uri Avnery
The Day of Shame
Amitai Ben-Abba
Israel’s New Ideology of Genocide
Patrick Cockburn
Israel is at the Height of Its Power, But the Palestinians are Still There
Frank Stricker
Can We Finally Stop Worrying About Unemployment?
Binoy Kampmark
Royal Wedding Madness
Roy Morrison
Middle East War Clouds Gather
Edward Curtin
Gina Haspel and Pinocchio From Rome
Juana Carrasco Martin
The United States is a Country Addicted to Violence
Dean Baker
Wealth Inequality: It’s Not Clear What It Means
Robert Dodge
At the Brink of Nuclear War, Who Will Lead?
Vern Loomis
If I’m Lying, I’m Dying
Valerie Reynoso
How LBJ initiated the Military Coup in the Dominican Republic
Weekend Edition
May 18, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Andrew Levine
The Donald, Vlad, and Bibi
Robert Fisk
How Long Will We Pretend Palestinians Aren’t People?
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail