Fred Phelps, pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, has placed Ann Coulter’s latest book, “Godless: The Church of Liberalism,” in every pew of his church much to the delight of his congregation. “It’s our new Bible,” he’s just pontificated to his flock. Exhilarated by Coulter’s wisdom, they don’t care that Phelps’ wife Marge, mother of their 13 children, has left him.
Remember Fred? He’s the minister whose mission is to rid the world of homosexuals. His antics include attending military funerals, carrying signs that read, “Thank God for Dead Soldiers” and “Thank God for IEDs,” protesting a government he perceives to be gay-friendly.
Here’s the story: Seems Marge was enraged when she saw her man’s reaction to Coulter. Mrs. Phelps emerged from the kitchen just in time to see Matt Lauer’s interview with Coulter and she certainly didn’t like what she saw. Ann, sporting a delicate necklace from which a cross hangs and wearing one of her short, black sheaths to expose those long legs, is Viagra to Phelps. When Fred’s eyes fixed on Coulter’s signature move-flipping that blond hair off her face, Marge recognized “that look” in her husband’s eyes and confronted him with a vengeance. But there was no stopping Fred. He immediately felt a hard-drive connection with Coulter and ordered copies of her book.
After reading passages of “Godless,” Pastor Phelps was heard repeating verbatim Coulter’s condemnations of the New Jersey 9/11 widows, the four women who have pushed for an independent commission to investigate the government’s failures prior to that day in September when their husbands perished.
“I’ve never seen people enjoying their husbands’ deaths so much,” Fred said over and over until Marge picked up the sign that said “Thank God for Dead Soldiers” and started chasing him around the room with it.
And, then, Fred took another quote from Ann’s book and launched it at his wife, “By the way, how do we know their husbands weren’t planning to divorce these harpies?”
Marge, at this point, exhausted and slightly disoriented, said, “Who are you calling a harpy?”
Now, Fred Phelps and Ann Coulter have a cellular family plan, first on each other’s speed dial. As soon as Marge returns from Mexico where she went to get a quick divorce, Ann and Fred will tie the knot.
Questioned about the large age difference (think Anna Nicole and J. Howard Marshall), Coulter beamed, “When you find the person who shares your philosophy so perfectly, the decades are insignificant. Freddy and I are soulmates.”
Missy Beattie lives in New York City. She’s written for National Public Radio and Nashville Life Magazine. An outspoken critic of the Bush Administration and the war in Iraq, she’s a member of Gold Star Families for Peace. She completed a novel last year, but since the death of her nephew, Marine Lance Cpl. Chase J. Comley, in Iraq on August 6,’05, she has been writing political articles. She can be reached at: Missybeat@aol.com