The Stepford Hearings of Samuel Alito


Democrats are frustrated because they failed to elicit information from the effectively coached Samuel Alito. Seems to me his sidestepping every question is reason enough to filibuster.

After pledging an “open mind” on abortion, Alito completely shut off the valves of his opinions but this provided us with far more than we need to know about the ultraconservative who will serve the Bench until he either retires or dies.

Actually, the entire “dramedy” has been a huge waste of time–except for the little woman’s tears. And let me add that when I refer to Martha-Ann Bomgardner as the little woman, I do this because we have all been made aware of Samuel’s disdain for his wife’s gender.

To Alito, all women are small–so much so that they are easily put in their places. Pushed to the side, they are demoted to insignificance, allowing insecure men to appear taller, smarter, and more valued as they assume the power they’ve assigned themselves.

Why did Martha-Ann leave the hearing in tears? The obsequious Republican Senator Lindsey Graham was questioning her man and asked, “Are you a closet bigot?” Of course, Samuel didn’t cop to this and Graham said, “No, sir, you’re not.” That’s when the tears welled and then spilled.

Martha-Ann fled. Then the apologies began: “Judge Alito, I am sorry that you’ve had to go through this. I am sorry that your family has had to sit here and listen to this.” Graham was nearly crying too at this point.

Senator Oracle Hatch provided information that Martha-Ann had a migraine headache. Give me a break. That must be code in MAN-WORLD for premenstrual syndrome. Yeah, you know all the guys in this male-dominated club were shaking their heads and saying, “PMS.” And “Oh, what we men have to put up with.” Hatch, also a singer/songwriter, could have provided solace by crooning something like Heal our Land, one of his originals or his love song, <i>All Because of You.

Soon, after the magical cure, Martha-Ann returned to the hearing, smiling and holding her husband’s hand. How long does it take to repair a broken Stepford wife? Remember the scene in the 1975 original movie when the Carol Van Sant character malfunctions and repeats, “I’ll just die if I don’t get this recipe. I’ll just die if I don’t get this recipe.”

Was the Mrs. in the women’s room, bumping into the vanity as she said, “I’ll just die if he doesn’t get confirmed?”

Samuel Alito had to endure 18 hours of questioning in which he revealed nothing. But everything. “I don’t recall,” he said over and over. The proceedings continued as his supporters testified to his integrity and his detractors stated the grave consequences of approving a person whose thinking is to the right of Neanderthal.

To further understead the Neocon Era time travel, pick up a copy of the January 20, 2006 edition of The Week . There’s a little item on page six under “Only in American” that’s mind-jarring:

A group of Christian ministers last week snuck into the room where Supreme Court nominee Judge Samuel Alito was to have his confirmation hearings and daubed the chairs with ‘holy oil,’ and smeared oil in the shape of a cross on the hearing-room door. Rev. Patrick Mahoney of the Christian Defense Coalition insisted the ministers weren’t taking sides, but said of the nomination, ‘God is interested in what goes on.’

This secretive annointing isn’t just frightening, its medieval.

Meanwhile, plenty of things already have been confirmed. Joe Biden’s favorite topic of conversation is Joe Biden. The Democrats have been neutered. So many of these players are too coifed. In fact, the Senate looks like a convention of slick televangelists. And Alito is one cold dude.

In the words of another character in The Stepford Wives, “If I am wrong, I’m insane…but if I’m right, it’s even worse than if I was wrong.”

MISSY COMLEY BEATTIE can be reached at:


Missy Beattie has written for National Public Radio and Nashville Life Magazine. She was an instructor of memoirs writing at Johns Hopkins’ Osher Lifelong Learning Institute in BaltimoreEmail: