A White Man’s House inquiry has found that students or faculty at Smith College in liberal Northampton, Massachusetts, shit on and/or squirted urine on the Holy Bible (Saint James version), in some cases intentionally but in others by accident, the White Man’s House said on Friday.
While the shitting upon was deliberate, the splashing of urine was described as inadvertent. It was said to have occurred when a “typical lesbian Smith girl” urinated in a stall in the gymnasium locker room.
The incident is reminiscent of a case at Guantanamo when an interrogator urinated near an air vent and the wind blew his urine through the vent into a detainee’s cell onto the detainee’s Koran.
White Man’s House officials call the events unrelated. They say that while it’s possible for wind to carry urine particles through an air vent intact, it would take “witchery” for a Smith girl’s pee to spritz at the proper angle under a stall wall and onto a Christian girl’s Bible.
The Christian girl was given a fresh soccer uniform and a new Bible. The “little lesbo witch,” as President Bush described her, was dunked in Smith pond repeatedly and assigned to James D. Miller’s economics class for re-education. Miller has gained accolades from Christians nationwide for teaching Smith girls how to dress and groom themselves properly. His statistics prove that cute Christian girls always get the best corporate jobs. According to Miller, JAPs have their own cultural network in which good looks are not necessary, only a proficiency at the fine art of fellatio.
The White Man’s House investigation into allegations that the Holy Bible had been peed upon at Smith also found that in one instance a Christian girl’s Bible was wet because lesbians high on green tea had thrown water balloons in her dorm room.
In another case, a two-word obscenity was written in runes on the inside cover of a Bible, but White Man’s House investigators could not determine whether a witch or a debauched Christian, who had temporarily lost her way (like Jeb Bush’s brown daughter) had written it.
Last week, President Bush personally took charge of the investigation, creating a “Jedi Task Force” and announcing that he was so upset that he had missed his meds. He was feeling righteous enough to invade Syria. Bush’s co-commander, Don Rumsfeld, was hyperventilating, his reddened face about to explode in suppressed sexual frustration and an overdose of Viagra. “How can we win the war on terror when those angry dykes at Smith are pissing on our parade,” he quipped to adoring reporters.
Laura Bush, looking sweet and saved, announced in the Rose Garden that her feminine intuition had uncovered other cases of Bible desecration at the all-girls college, but she refused to provide details. “It’s just too awful,” she sobbed, while clutching her skirt and dabbing her eyes with it, revealing quite a nice pair of milky white thighs.
Others in the administration were less restrained. Dick Cheney called upon the citizens of rural Northampton to “grab your pitchforks and torches” and to “lay to waste that she-wolf den of iniquity!”
John Bolten referred to Smith as the “modern equivalent of Sodom and Gomorrah” and said he would urge the United Nations to apply economic sanctions on the institution of higher learning, if the Senate approved his nomination. Senator Robert Bennett, Mormon elder and husband to twelve pre-teenage brides, praised Bolten for his moral turpitude while declaring John Smith the one true messiah.
The Dean of Students at Smith, Ms. Elizabeth Parris, said that Bible burnings are rare and that students have gone to great lengths to be sensitive to Christianity and “that dirty gutter religion, Judaism.”
“Mishandling a Bible is a rare occurrence,” Dean Parris said in a statement released by the Smith College. “Mishandling of a Bible here is never condoned. They may be wrapped in condoms and shoved up elephants’ asses, but they are never mishandled!””
The White Man’s House investigation was started about three weeks ago after Newsweek magazine published an article asserting that a separate inquiry by the Northampton Baptist Church of the Sacred Babbling Brook was expected to find that a Bible had been flushed down a toilet at the college cafeteria. The magazine later retracted the article, but the assertion led to violence in Bible Belt that left at least thirteen witches hanged, drowned, or drawn and quartered in the Southern States.
The President’s mother and spiritual adviser, while coddling her nitwit son in her matronly arms, blamed Hilary Clinton, “that ugly bitch,” for “inciting the witches at Smith to such deviltry.”
Interviewed on the streets of Northampton, Smith bitches had various reactions. Soccer star and angry dike, Ann Putnam, smiled and said, “Personally, I would never take a shit on the Holy Book. But hell be praised, it’s still a fuckin’ free country, right?”
Mercy Lewis, with multiple body piercings and a tattoo over at the base of her spine saying, “I lick clit,” denied that any lesbian had ever desecrated the Bible. “We might think those big-haired Christian babes and juicy JAPs should be shuffled off to Guantanamo for a little electric shock on the genitals. Or maybe gang raped at Abby Grabby. But shit and piss on their sacred religious text? Mercy sakes alive, never!”
A final report released by the White Man’s House on Friday said that four of the five alleged incidents at Smith took place after January 2003, after written procedures governing the handling of the Bible had been circulated on campus. That contradicted an account provided last Thursday by President Bush, who was asked directly whether all five of the incidents had taken place before January 2003, and replied: “Where are my valium?”
A spokesman for the White Man’s House, the right-Reverend Cotton Mather, said in a telephone interview that he could not explain Bush’s apparent dementia. “Maybe he mis-spaketh,” Mather said, adding in off-the-record remarks, “No around here trusts the jerk the find his way to the fuckin’ bathroom by himself, let alone utter a coherent sentence without a teleprompter shoved in his stupid face.”
The White Man’s House released the findings of the investigation about 7:15 p.m., Eastern time, well after the broadcasts of the network television evening news programs. A Smith spokeswoman, Mary Walcott, denied that the college was trying to stick voodoo pins in a doll of Bush’s likeness on Friday night, a tactic often used by secret witch societies. “We don’t play with dolls here,” she said while chewing a plug of Red Man tobacco. “We’d just bite his little balls off.”
An anonymous Smith official, referring to herself as Deep Tongue, acknowledged that some lesbians consider peeing on the Bible as a sacred act of terrorism against the oppressive White Man.
“The Homeland Security Command policy of Bible fondling is no less sacred than flag waving,” said Dick Cheney, while traveling with Rumsfeld at a security conference-cum-sex orgy in Phuket, Thailand. “The Smith inquiry would appear to affirm that witches should be burned at the stake,” he said, then joined with Dyn Corps executives in the sacred Christian white man ritual of fondliing nubile brown girls.
GRAEME GREENBACK can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org