Rapture Takes Leftists! (4:00 AM)

On the night of February 25th the Argentine government successfully restructured its foreign debt by reducing what it owed foreign banks from $81 to 40 billion dollars. Thirty minutes later conservative political leaders and religious fundamentalists around the globe were baffled by an even more extraordinary news: the abrupt disappearance of Latin American leftists.

Theology of liberation priests and nuns could not be found anywhere; even Brazilian and Peruvian bishops could not be accounted for. The mayors of Mexico City and Bogota had disappeared into thin air, as well as their staffs. Similar reports indicated that entire governments of provincial capital and local cities have banished. Oddly, the very buildings serving as the headquarters of the Cuban Communist Party, the Movimiento al Socialismo in Bolivia, the Frente Amplio in Uruguay, the Piqueteros and the Madres de la Plaza de Mayo in Buenos Aires dissipated as well. Only vacant lots are found where shanty towns stood in every working class neighborhood throughout Latin America.

The CIA station chief in Lima, Peru – using his cell phone – told the Associated Press – “it is a miracle, the poor have disappeared!.” Traffic flow crossing into San Diego or El Paso had dwindled to just one lane and no begging children were found at the bridge crossings.

Because of the absence of leftists Brazil, Argentina, Venezuela, Panama, Guyana, Cuba and the smaller islands of the Caribbean no longer have governments. “We have no comments until we can talk to someone down there” declared Richard Boucher at the State Department.

The Dredge learned that former General Rios Montt of Guatemala, a born again Christian, has suggested that the Rapture has already taken place, as expected. But he does not understand why leftists were the ones snatched by God to go to Heaven. Similar rumors have spread throughout the Southernest Baptist Convention but fundamentalist leaders are saying that it could not be true. A spokesman from Lynchburg, Virginia who wanted to remain anonymous charged that “this is a rapture alright, it is the devil’s rapture trying to confuse God fearing Americans.” He stressed that liberal wire services were collaborating with Lucifer.

Demographers at the US Census Bureau estimate that the population pressure in Latin America will be eased since approximately 70-75% of the population is poor and indigent. According to Census analysts the populations most affected by the “disappearance” have been the poor. However, neighborhoods such as Miraflores (Caracas), La Mariscal (Quito) and the ABC [American, Canadian, British] communities throughout Latin America do not report anyone missing.

The people most affected appear to be those who were members of, or identified with, left parties, radical populism, socialists, anarchists, labor unions, peasant organizations, civil rights, solidarity, women’s liberation, the disabled, the unemployed and students.

According to the Disassociated Press the director of the Latin American Missionary Training Institute in North Carolina all of their people doing missionary work in Latin America are accounted for. The Christian Democracy International with headquarters in Brussels also informed AP that they have called about 30% of Latin American Christian Democratic party presidents and they did not report any problems. An unusual development, though, is that all the native staff at US embassies throughout the region apparently raptured as well..

Elliott Abramnowitz at the National Security Council has been meeting since 1 AM (EST) with the Treasury Department officials when the news began to filter in. The lights at the White continued to show some activity as people from the Pentagon and Wall Street gathered. It has been rumored that the demise of leftists throughout the continent will constitute a very serious problem to the economic policies of the United States (who will work for us?) and will have budgetary implications (how to justify Pentagon monies).

The first American analyst to notice the disappearance of the leftists in Latin America was professor of the dismal science Albert Fisheniedrig, director of the Latin American Center at Eastern Seaboard University. In a presentation on February 25th at the University of Old Mejico, the professor declared that “the left” was gone in Latin America. [1] Although the statement seemed odd at the time (the Rapture took place 8 hours later), the assertion was cheerfully accepted by some members of the audience. [It should be noted that the left has disappeared from Latin America on a previous occasion. A generation ago izquierdistas were disappeared by death squads guided by the almighty dollar. Now it was the Almighty herself acting in history].

Spokespersons at the Worldly Bank, the Interest American Development Bank, the International Monetary Fun, Chase Womanhattan and other important money centers were exceedingly pleased. They projected that the pace of globalization will be faster. However, in Wall Street, the US Congress and AM radio stations expressed surprise and disappointment with God. “I had no idea that God did not understand the laws of nature. How could God take leftists to heaven, those people dont understand the free market!” said Cliff Dollar a tele-evangelist.

Some right wing fundamentalists who have been “left behind” are asking the “Left Behind” Book Club to return their monies for the 12 volumes they previously purchased. The Ascending was supposed to have a money back guarantee.

Preachers and charismatics around the country have told the Dredge Report that in their early morning prayers they have promised God they will re-read revelations as well as Matthew. Finally, people south of the border seem to have known the truth all along: Deus é Brazileiro and loves justice.

Nelson Valdes is a professor of sociology specializing in Latin America at the University of New Mexico. He can be reached at: nvaldes@unm.edu


[1] The “disapperance of the Latin American left” had been announced since 1991. Numerous academic morticians provided minute certificados de defunción. For a history of the industry see:
Jose Luis Renique. 1995. The Latin American Left: Epitaph or New Beginning. Latin American Research Review 30(2): 177-194.

Nelson P. Valdes is Professor Emeritus at the University of New Mexico.