A Leftist on the Bush Payroll

I can see a scandal coming as well as the next guy, so it’s time to come clean. It pains me to write this, mainly because I’m writing it with my corneas, but the truth must be told. The Bush White House paid me to write pieces in opposition of its policies. Between the dates of October 5, 2002, and an hour ago, I accepted a total of $18.78 to write some one hundred and fifteen articles in which I excoriated Bush’s record as president, reviled the performance of every member of his cabinet, the Pentagon, and a couple of his fishing buddies, and also mocked a number of the other journalists on the White House payroll, although in my own defense I mocked these last for free. I am the lowest kind of bawd: the government-payroll kind.

Many of my readers, and some of Lafcadio Hearn’s readers, will wonder why I accepted such a vile cyprian’s berth, knowing as I did that it would compromise the integrity of all the work I produced thereafter, if any, and cast a brownish stain on the legacy I hoped to leave behind after my untimely death along with a mountain of IOUs. These same readers will be shocked to learn that I am also known as Plenty O’Toole, the girthy subject of numerous subscriber-oriented Internet sites, and that I run a loofah wholesale operation devoted to the discreet sale of suggestively-shaped sponge gourds. In addition, during my years near Brown University, I was manager of a falafel shop where we molded the raw chickpea mixture into vulgar configurations after hours. I have sold my soul a thousand times, frequently below retail.

There’s another question that begs to be asked (besides “is that a real porcupine”, if you’re familiar with my web site ‘backwoodsaction.com’). This question, in alphabetical order, is “why would the Bush White House pay somebody to attack it in print?” I can answer this question, and also the question “what 19th Century Irish writer married a samurai’s daughter?” The simple fact is, Bush needed to choose his enemies just as carefully as he didn’t choose his allies, such as ‘Pootie Poot’ Putin, and I fit the bill nicely. You all remember Bill Nicely: tallish guy with red hair from Michigan, died in a freak laminating accident. I sold him down the river for thirty pieces of silver plus some coupons. Karl Rove, for he was the mastermind behind my hiring, figured out that buying the services of a bunch of right-wing toadies would not be enough to convince the public of the virtues of George Bush’s virtues. He needed antagonists of such low caliber that they would turn sedentary doubters into athletic supporters.

I am a low-caliber kind of individual. It’s a point of pride with me. I am also proud of my fiercely curling cavalry moustache, which I got on Ebay along with a brace of flint pistols and some semolina biscuits from the time of Pope Clement IV. But being low-caliber means people will sometimes attempt to use you. Who do they go to when a grave needs robbing or there’s an elderly widow to evict from her home? Guys like me. And you can’t exactly say no, or people start thinking you’ve ennobled yourself, and phimsfreem! Up goes your caliber. I’m guessing Rove knew what he was about when he made the call (collect, I might add) that intertwined our fates. From a mere jackanapes fond of anserine concettisms concactervated shoulder-high, I became a jocoserious sanguisugent working for the man.

Who knows how many I converted to the Bush cause, simply by opposing it? How many gentle liberals were galled into warlike conservatism by my vicious attacks on a man believed by many to be the legitimate heir to the American presidency? How many turned upon their homosexual friends or neighbors (seldom both) simply because I was a booster for their cause? How many of my readers now scorn the Navajo, simply because I suggested there was a nice diner outside Shiprock, Arizona? How many tried to find out if ‘igitation’ was really a word? I have sewn the seeds of spinelessness and confusion where before there was unity and strength of purpose, namely among the Democrats. Yes, it was all me. And I am sorry. To show how sorry I am, from now on I will only write pieces critical of the Bush administration if I can write them for free.

BEN TRIPP can be reached at credel@earthlink.net.

His book, ‘Square In The Nuts’, has been held up at the printers by thugs but will be released as soon as hostage negotiations conclude.

See also www.cafeshops.com/tarantulabros.

More articles by:
July 18, 2018
Bruce E. Levine
Politics and Psychiatry: the Cost of the Trauma Cover-Up
Frank Stricker
The Crummy Good Economy and the New Serfdom
Linda Ford
Red Fawn Fallis and the Felony of Being Attacked by Cops
David Mattson
Entrusting Grizzlies to a Basket of Deplorables?
Stephen F. Eisenman
Want Gun Control? Arm the Left (It Worked Before)
CJ Hopkins
Trump’s Treasonous Traitor Summit or: How Liberals Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the New McCarthyism
Patrick Bond
State of the BRICS Class Struggle: Repression, Austerity and Worker Militancy
Dan Corjescu
The USA and Russia: Two Sides of the Same Criminal Corporate Coin
The Hudson Report
How Argentina Got the Biggest Loan in the History of the IMF
Kenn Orphan
You Call This Treason?
Max Parry
Ukraine’s Anti-Roma Pogroms Ignored as Russia is Blamed for Global Far Right Resurgence
Ed Meek
Acts of Resistance
July 17, 2018
Conn Hallinan
Trump & The Big Bad Bugs
Robert Hunziker
Trump Kills Science, Nature Strikes Back
John Grant
The Politics of Cruelty
Kenneth Surin
Calculated Buffoonery: Trump in the UK
Binoy Kampmark
Helsinki Theatrics: Trump Meets Putin
Patrick Bond
BRICS From Above, Seen Critically From Below
Jim Kavanagh
Fighting Fake Stories: The New Yorker, Israel and Obama
Daniel Falcone
Chomsky on the Trump NATO Ruse
W. T. Whitney
Oil Underground in Neuquén, Argentina – and a New US Military Base There
Doug Rawlings
Ken Burns’ “The Vietnam War” was Nominated for an Emmy, Does It Deserve It?
Rajan Menon
The United States of Inequality
Thomas Knapp
Have Mueller and Rosenstein Finally Gone Too Far?
Cesar Chelala
An Insatiable Salesman
Dean Baker
Truth, Trump and the Washington Post
Mel Gurtov
Human Rights Trumped
Binoy Kampmark
Putin’s Football Gambit: How the World Cup Paid Off
July 16, 2018
Sheldon Richman
Trump Turns to Gaza as Middle East Deal of the Century Collapses
Charles Pierson
Kirstjen Nielsen Just Wants to Protect You
Brett Wilkins
The Lydda Death March and the Israeli State of Denial
Patrick Cockburn
Trump Knows That the US Can Exercise More Power in a UK Weakened by Brexit
Robert Fisk
The Fisherman of Sarajevo Told Tales Past Wars and Wars to Come
Gary Leupp
When Did Russia Become an Adversary?
Uri Avnery
“Not Enough!”
Dave Lindorff
Undermining Trump-Putin Summit Means Promoting War
Manuel E. Yepe
World Trade War Has Begun
Binoy Kampmark
Trump Stomps Britain
Wim Laven
The Best Deals are the Deals that Develop Peace
Kary Love
Can We Learn from Heinrich Himmler’s Daughter? Should We?
Jeffrey St. Clair
Franklin Lamb, Requiescat in Pace
Weekend Edition
July 13, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Brian Cloughley
Lessons That Should Have Been Learned From NATO’s Destruction of Libya
Paul Street
Time to Stop Playing “Simon Says” with James Madison and Alexander Hamilton
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: In the Land of Formula and Honey
Aidan O'Brien
Ireland’s Intellectuals Bow to the Queen of Chaos