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God has returned to America. His interest in this nation and its people is the subject of much discussion here in this country mainly from those disgruntled Americans who, in the 2004 national elections, lost to God’s choice, President George W. Bush. Anyway, the losers can’t figure out why God cares about this place. After all, they say, Earth is located in the outer realm of the Milky Way galaxy–the Orion Arm to be exact—along with the 100 billion stars and billions of other objects that make up the Milky Way. The Milky Way is one of at least 125 billion other galaxies that are known at the present time. All of which is to wonder why God bothers with Americans and, more interestingly, how God covers the unfathomable distances between galaxies.
God consented to an interview on this matter and visited me at my home in Virginia.
As for travel, God said that it has to do with String Theory, multiple dimensions and changing space. On his enthusiasm for America, God claimed that the most faithful are the most malleable–an American trait he likes–and it’s easier being God when there are a majority of unquestioning subjects. And besides, God said he likes the support he is getting in the USA these days and figures that the separation of church and state will finally end under President George W. Bush.
God is Fashionable, Can Bench Press a Galaxy
God is as white as fresh snow, wears a flowing sparkling gown, a well trimmed white beard, and holds a golden staff. In short, he looks like Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings series. God is 12 feet tall and 1000 pounds of solid muscle. He can bench press a galaxy while at the same time willing the creation of millions of different species on planets all over the universe. And, of course, he is proficient in the use of all types of firearms. God points out that he has multiple personalities just as the universe has multiple dimensions and that he really is the One God. For example, in America he is the Judeo Christian God and in other countries he could be Allah, Brahma or Buddha. God said that he is like a Swiss Army Knife–multifunctional for all occasions. He said there are billions of species like us but that “the Americans have impressed me with their audacity to think I’m on their side.”
Why has God paid a visit to America? Polls show that over 90 percent of Americans believe in God. In the early 1950’s they inscribed In God We Trust on all their currency to show the Communists of the day that they were not atheists. In times of national crisis such as 9/11 or the attempted removal of “under God” in the American Pledge of Allegiance, Americans will gather together in public to sing God Bless America or recite the Pledge with an ending emphasis on Under God. And God said he is most pleased that 70 percent of Americans believe that Darwin and Wallace’s Theory of Evolution is false. Creationism “is the way to go” he said. He is thrilled that many US Senators and Congressmen are introducing legislation on God’s behalf and that President Bush authorized the filing of legal briefs in support of displaying the Ten Commandments in public institutions.
God Discovers Pentagon Plot, Endorses Cycle of Violence
God was not pleased with the two-earner trend in America. He said that women need to be home with the children because “you don’t want those strangers in day care guiding your children.” God was visibly upset over the subject of abortion, gay marriage, and the sexification of America. He indicated that the country needed to be purified of these sins and that he had confidence in the good people running America would set things straight. He noted that there was some merit in women in the USA wearing burkas in public or at least veils.
God joked about Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s plot to drug him and extract information on the technology he uses to traverse the vast distances of the universe. “Rumsfeld and the Flag Officers over in the Pentagon thought they could develop me as a weapons system,” he said. “I just love that American attitude, by golly” But admire that attitude as he did, God said that Rumsfeld and his plotters had crossed the line and that, “at this moment they are no longer relevant.” Later I learned that Rumsfeld was giving one of his “stuff happens” briefings and it was being televised on national television. The videotape showed that Rumsfeld was in mid-sentence “freedom isÖ” and then, poof!, he was gone. Rumsfeld’s opponents called it a miracle but I was saddened because there was no better liar and ruthless Washington, DC operative than Rumsfeld. I admired his clarity of purpose. But, God had his reasons and who was I to argue with him.
The elimination of the plotters led God to say that there’s no problem with the endless cycle of violence. “It’s what makes God tick. The universe depends on it. It’s what makes life worth living. I like high stakes and life is the highest of them all. Life and death games must be played whether on the streets of America or the slums of Iraq.” He said, for example, that he applauded the beheadings of foreigners in Iraq as well as the killing by the US military of anything that moved in Fallujah. God said that President Bush should continue his Global War on Terror and the militarization of the world. But he pointed out that Americans shouldn’t flatter themselves too much. “Today I’m with you and tomorrow I could be against you. I could take this planet and toss it into the sun. What do a billion lives mean to me when I can create a billion more to play with?”
God Finds Comedy in Government, Media
God indicated that Comedy Central television has nothing on the politicians, military commanders and business leaders that appear on “the serious” channels like CNN, Fox, NBC, CBS, ABC and their assorted affiliates. When you know they are lying is when it most hilarious, according to God. Besides, Americans like their lies and myths and there is nothing wrong with that, he pointed out, “After all they think I’m some peaceful divinity.”
“And so what if the military tried to make heroes out of Jessica Lynch and Pat Tillman. Of course the Pentagon was lying. But they know most Americans believe whatever the Pentagon’s storyline is. What do you expect from a people that put a floating eyeball and pyramid on the back of their currency [one dollar bill]?” God pointed out that these are the days of unaccountability in America and that everyone should take advantage of “life in the big lie.” Truth is out and religion is in, according to God.
He said when he reads the major newspapers like the Washington Post and the New York Times; he ignores the comic section because the comedy is on the front page and editorial page. “But the most humorous moments for me came when President Bush was on TV telling Iran not to interfere in the Iraqi elections. I laughed till I cried. Imagine that. Bush knows his country has, over the decades, meddled in more elections [Georgia, Ukraine, most recent for example] than any other country. And then in another speech, Bush was telling his audience that they found Saddam in a hole in Iraq. No one pointed out that Bush was holed up in a bunker out West on 911.” God began laughing uncontrollably but pointed out that Bush was his man. “You have to lie to lead, ” God said, “and this group of leaders running your country, including Democrats, are the best I’ve seen in a dozen galaxies.”
God said that Americans will always believe in him. “You remember when I said the truth is out and religion is in. Look, violence, lying cheating, killing, hustling are just part of life. There’s no peace in this universe and that’s the truth. And no, there is no Satan. That’s simply a fairy tale. I’m the damn Creator, I ought to know. People try so hard to cover their violent natures and stench with words like freedom and democracy, and with fancy clothes and perfumes. They portray their enemies as vile but that is just looking in the mirror and not liking what they see. And you all want power. I’ll tell you, if you accept Me, it’s a lot easier to live in this violent world. I take responsibility for you. You are absolved.
Again, I point out to you that a life or a billion lives mean nothing to me. I have destroyed whole galaxies and a billion species at the snap of a finger. I let my own son be nailed to a cross not to save you but because he was preaching non-violent nonsense. I thought I’d leave him on Earth but he is my son–though not the only–and he is coming around to my way of thinking.”
God was getting impatient, but I had to ask about free will. “Whether you accept me or not, you are created in my violent image. Look around you. All things are created and die in a never ending violent cycle. War, disease, genocide, crime, drugs, hate, love, laughter, sacrifice, honor– these are all designed into the universe I made. Do you have any reason to believe you can change anything? Just be thankful I’ve taken a liking to you. ”
Whew! Good thing President Bush has an open line to God.
JOHN STANTON is a Virginia based writer specializing in national security and political matters. He is the author of America 2004: A Power But Not Super and co-author of America’s Nightmare. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org