FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

What Happened to O’Reilly’s Loofa?

by ALEXANDER COCKBURN

Thanksgiving brought us the one-month anniversary of Bill O’Reilly’s disclosure on his show that “to protect my family” he had settled with Ms Andrea Mackris and her lawyer Benedict Morelli, thus cutting off what millions of O’Reilly haters had hoped would be a protracted season of public humiliation for Fox’s apex bully. The settlement established that all parties agreed there had been no wrong doing and as an earnest of good faith O’Reilly (if you believe the New York Daily News) had paid anywhere from $2 million to $10 million to Mackris, nice money if true, though not as nice as the $60 million Morelli had originally suggested to O’Reilly as a satisfactorily round figure.

But there remains the mystery of the transmuted loofa, about which I had been hoping for some pleasing courtroom exchanges. Let’s pick up the thread in the court document lodged in Nassau county, N.J., by Morelli on behalf of Mackris.

11.06 pm September 1, 2004.

O’Reilly calls Mackris, a 33 year-old innocent from the Show Me state, working as a producer on the O’Reilly show. She, poor lamb, says she thought it was about business and told him she’d call him right back. At this point, we surmise Ms Mackris may have activated a recording device and with the tape rolling, dialed the boss, who promptly gets down to business, launching into what the complaint harshly stigmatized as “a lewd and lascivious, unsolicited and disturbing sexually graphic talk”, about how he imagines he would handle business if they were in the West Indies.

First he’d get two wines into Ms Mackris, “maybe intravenously”. Then, “You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I’d join you and you would have your back to me and I would take the little loofa thing”

A loofa! This is no Motel 6, though it’s not the Ritz either, where loofas would scarcely be “little”, though admittedly size doesn’t come up in the description of loofa offered by the The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition. 2000.

SYLLABICATION:
loo·fa

VARIANT FORMS:
or loo·fah also luf·fa NOUN:
1. Any of several Old World tropical vines of the genus Luffa, having cylindrical fruit with a fibrous, spongelike interior.

2. The dried, fibrous part of the loofa fruit, used as a washing sponge or as a filter. Also called dishcloth gourd, vegetable sponge.

ETYMOLOGY:

Arabic loof singulative form of loofa.

And what is O’Reilly, so strong, so masterful, planning to do with this thing of Arab origin? “I would take the little loofa thing and kinda’ soap your back and rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot wate rand um You know, you’d feel the tension drain out of you and um you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda’ put my arms–it’s one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it and I would put it around front, kinda’ rub your tummy with it and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard ‘cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs.”

At this point, in the document filed in the court house in Nassau County, which would indeed appear to be a transcript right down to the ums, there’s an ellipse.

“So anyway I’d be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda kissing your neck from behind and then the other hand with the felafel thing”

NOUN:
1. Ground spiced chickpeas shaped into balls and fried.

2. A sandwich filled with such a mixture.

What happened to the loofa?

Maybe Abe Foxman called him on the other line to warn about “going Arab on us”.

And what is O’Reilly planning to do with the falafel?

“I would take the other hand with the falafel thing (sic)and I’d put it on your pussy, but you’d have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business.”

According to the courtroom document available for inspection on Smoking Gun, the quality of the conversation goes down hill from there on in. It may be that O’Reilly’s tour of Arab commodities was proleptic, as he began to shift gears through the vowel sounds. For an interesting discussion of the processes involved I recommend Sebastiano Timpanaro’s philological investigation, published in translation years ago by Verso, entitled The Freudian Slip. From loofa to felafel to Well, let Ms Mackris and her lawyer tell it their way. O’Reilly “suggested he would perform oral sex” on Ms Mackris and she would “perform fellatio on his ‘big cock’ but not complete the act”, maybe to conserve his energies for further deployment of the little loofa or the felafel, though the lifespan of a felafel in a shower is surely limited in duration. After the exciting fa-fel-fell monologue and what to Ms Mackris’ “repulsed” ear sounded like the hum of a vibrator and acoustic intimations of satisfactory climax O’Reilly launched into a discussion concerning how good he was during a recent appearance on “The Today Show”.

Mind you, though O’Reilly may have thought he was on safe political ground with presumptively Israeli falafel, the word ­ and indeed the snack ­ is also of Arab origin.

Thank you Ms Mackris. It must have been just horrible for you, but it was in a good cause. You gave us a bright moment in a dark year.

 

More articles by:

Alexander Cockburn’s Guillotined! and A Colossal Wreck are available from CounterPunch.

CounterPunch Magazine

minimag-edit

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

zen economics

June 27, 2017
Jim Kavanagh
California Scheming: Democrats Betray Single-Payer Again
Jonathan Cook
Hersh’s New Syria Revelations Buried From View
Edward Hunt
Excessive and Avoidable Harm in Yemen
Howard Lisnoff
The Death of Democracy Both Here and Abroad and All Those Colorful Sneakers
Gary Leupp
Immanuel Kant on Electoral Interference
Kenneth Surin
Theresa May and the Tories are in Freefall
Slavoj Zizek
Get the Left
Robert Fisk
Saudi Arabia Wants to Reduce Qatar to a Vassal State
Ralph Nader
Driverless Cars: Hype, Hubris and Distractions
Rima Najjar
Palestinians Are Seeking Justice in Jerusalem – Not an Abusive Life-Long Mate
Norman Solomon
Is ‘Russiagate’ Collapsing as a Political Strategy?
Binoy Kampmark
In the Twitter Building: Tech Incubators and Altering Perceptions
Dean Baker
Uber’s Repudiation is the Moment for the U.S. to Finally Start Regulating the So-called Sharing Economy
Rob Seimetz
What I Saw From The Law
George Wuerthner
The Causes of Forest Fires: Climate vs. Logging
June 26, 2017
William Hawes – Jason Holland
Lies That Capitalists Tell Us
Chairman Brandon Sazue
Out of the Shadow of Custer: Zinke Proves He’s No “Champion” of Indian Country With his Grizzly Lies
Patrick Cockburn
Grenfell Tower: the Tragic Price of the Rolled-Back Stat
Joseph Mangano
Tritium: Toxic Tip of the Nuclear Iceberg
Ray McGovern
Hersh’s Big Scoop: Bad Intel Behind Trump’s Syria Attack
Roy Eidelson
Heart of Darkness: Observations on a Torture Notebook
Geoff Beckman
Why Democrats Lose: the Case of Jon Ossoff
Matthew Stevenson
Travels Around Trump’s America
David Macaray
Law Enforcement’s Dirty Little Secret
Colin Todhunter
Future Shock: Imagining India
Yoav Litvin
Animals at the Roger Waters Concert
Binoy Kampmark
Pride in San Francisco
Stansfield Smith
North Koreans in South Korea Face Imprisonment for Wanting to Return Home
Hamid Yazdan Panah
Remembering Native American Civil Rights Pioneer, Lehman Brightman
James Porteous
Seventeen-Year-Old Nabra Hassanen Was Murdered
Weekend Edition
June 23, 2017
Friday - Sunday
Jeffrey St. Clair
Democrats in the Dead Zone
Gary Leupp
Trump, Qatar and the Danger of Total Confusion
Andrew Levine
The “Democracies” We Deserve
Jeffrey St. Clair - Joshua Frank
The FBI’s “Operation Backfire” and the Case of Briana Waters
Rob Urie
Cannibal Corpse
Joseph G. Ramsey
Savage Calculations: On the Exoneration of Philando Castile’s Killer
John Wight
Trump’s Attack on Cuba
Dave Lindorff
We Need a Mass Movement to Demand Radical Progressive Change
Brian Cloughley
Moving Closer to Doom
David Rosen
The Sex Offender: the 21st Century Witch
John Feffer
All Signs Point to Trump’s Coming War With Iran
Jennifer L. Lieberman
What’s Really New About the Gig Economy?
Pete Dolack
Analyzing the Failures of Syriza
Vijay Prashad
The Russian Nexus
Mike Whitney
Putin Tries to Avoid a Wider War With the US
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail